• Live every day as if it’s your last?
If I thought today was my last day, then I’d empty my bank balance and splurge, tell the world to go to hell (maybe even punch some enemies in the face)…
Then where would that leave me when I got up tomorrow and found that I wasn’t dead?

• “Oh God! Please make me a millionaire!” is a very dangerous prayer. You might go bankrupt and be left with just ten thousand Rupees. That’s a million paisa, ain’t it?

• If you are a bad boss, then never work from home or for yourself. You’ll only end up making your life miserable. For then you’ll be your own boss.

• I’ve got a sore wrist and aching fingers from watching bad TV.
(There are almost 200 channels and the battery of the remote is low!)

• The Sex God gives too much to too few and too little to too many.

© Sunil Rajguru

First Voice: Namaste Mayaji. Kaise ho? Aaj kal dikahi aur sunai nahin dete ho. Media wale aapko bhool gaye kya. Haha.
Second Voice: Dikhai to aap bhi nahin dete Mulayamji! Sab jagah Amarji chaye hue hain. Aur woh na aapke party ke hain na mere. Hahaha.
Faint Third Voice: Hahahahahahahahaha…
First voice: Arre ye kiski awaaz hain? Ye to Rahul lage rahe hain! Mayaji, aapka phone kahin tap to nahin ho raha hain…

***

Sachin: Oh God! I thank you for all that you are giving me…
God: But I am very upset.
Sachin: Aila! Is that Deva re Deva? But what have I done?
God: I am suing you for copyright infringement!
Sachin: Kai mahantat tumhi deva…
God: You have heard of the phrase: Sachin is God?
Sachin: Yes, but…
God: Well, I used to hear it a few hundred times at max, but after it became a trending topic, I hear it a few million times a day, that is way beyond permissible limits…
Sachin: Aila! Me kai kelo… it’s my fans… they are infringing copyright… I am just going out and enjoying my game… why does this always happen to me?

***

Raj: Let’s divide Mumbai. I’ll take Amitabh, you take the rest of the Bollywood like SRK. You take Sachin and IPL and I’ll take the rest of cricketing controversies. I’ll take the taxi-drivers and you take the rest of the migrants. You take on Rahulji, I’ll take on Soniaji from now on…
Udhav: But I have already divided Mumbai! I get full Mumbai and you get nothing!

***

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
First Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just asking about my bank account!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Second Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just trying to order a pizza!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Third Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: Forget it!

Woods: Secretary. Remove all the female contacts from my contact list. For some strange reason women don’t want to talk to me anymore. And connect me only to males whenever I want to ask for anything.
(Silence)
Woods: Secretary! Secretary!
(Silence)
Woods: Damn! She’s left just like that! I have to get a good male secretary first!

***

© Sunil Rajguru

In the last couple of years, my favorite Bollywood badshah Shahrukh Khan has been plagued with controversies, some big and some small. Here’s looking at some of the ones he’d had in his life…

A for Amitabh
One is the Shahenshah and one is the Badshah. And of course, it’s impossible for them to get along. Or so the grapevine would have us believe. There’s a cold war that keeps brewing and we keep getting the details.

B for Billu Barber
This one defied logic. If the hero of a movie is called Billu and is a barber, then what else can one call the movie? But barbers of the world (or rather India) found it derogatory and the film had to be renamed to Billu.

C for Chalte Chalte
It was reported that due to a fracas between Aishwarya Rai and Salman Khan on the sets of the film, the former was sacked from the movie and replaced with Rani Mukerji. Years later SRK wasn’t invited to the marriage of Aishwarya at the Amitabh household.

D for Deepa Sahi
Remember Maya Memsaab in 1993? That had generated a lot of controversy over the sexually explicit content. The censor board cut some scenes, which made their way to YouTube years later.

E for the Eyes of Amar Singh
At an awards show, SRK joked that he saw “darindagi” (evil) in erstwhile Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh’s eyes. Amitabh was miffed and SP partymen agitated in front of SRK’s home.

F for Farah Khan
When Farah decided to do her 3rd movie without SRK, all manner of reports came of a split between the two. The superstar later clarified that it was a date problem and nothing else.

G for Gay
The SRK-Saif gay act in Kal Ho Na Ho was a big hit and the acting continued well into award shows. That led some people to spread rumours that he was gay in the first place.

H for Hosting film award shows
When the King Khan hosts a film award, then it can’t be normal. At the Filmfare awards, he and Saif took potshots at everyone: critics, the film industry, themselves… Not everyone was amused though.

I for IPL
After failing to get Mumbai, SRK landed with Kolkata in his kitty. Since then it’s been trouble with Dada Sourav Ganguly, coach John Buchanan, irate fans, bottom of the table performances, Pak players controversy… just one thing after the other and not even an IPL semi-final berth to show for it.

J for Junk Food Actors
In the 1990s, he once made certain remarks about “junk food actors” which allegedly referred to action stars Akshay Kumar and Sunil Shetty. The comments were subsequently totally denied and everything was fine between the three.

K for Khan Wars
It is impossible for the Three Big Khans to get along. Bollywood is simply too small for Salman, Aamir and SRK. Either they are not on talking terms or are cold to each other at parties and meets. Recently Aamir even got into the mood and questioned SRK’s No. 1 status followed by the below-the-belt comment on his blog that a dog called Shahrukh was licking his legs.

L for Lux Cozi
Lux Cozi sponsored Kolkata Knight Riders. Lux Cozi promoter was charged with the abetment of suicide of Rizwanur Rahman. And the deal got promptly frozen, even though the ads kept coming on TV long after the press conference where the announcement was made.

M for My Name is Khan
One of the biggest controversies in recent times. The Shiv Sena. The MNS. The Maharashtra government. Everyone seemed to have got involved. The film got released amidst unprecedented security and SRK is still clueless on what exactly happened and why it happened.

N for Newark Airport
SRK was detained Newark Airport in the US for more than an hour “Because His Name Was Khan”. While SRK kicked up a racket, his detractors found the plot too eerily similar to the movie he was shooting for.

O for Om Shanti Om
While this movie opened to bumper full house without any problems, thespian Manoj Kumar made a big fuss about how his character was portrayed negatively and wanted an apology plus the scenes being cut.

P for Parties
There’s something always happening at Bollywood parties. The latest was Katrina Kaif’s birthday. The media reported that SRK and Salman almost came to blows.

Q for Quiz Shows
Why did SRK take up Kaun Banega Crorepati? To prove a point to Amitabh? Was Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain a washout? What is SRK doing hosting a college quiz?

R for Rab Ne Banadi Jodi
During the shooting of this movie, it is alleged that SRK smoked on the premises of a “No Smoking” Sikh college in Amritsar. Another unsubstantiated rumour and mini-controversy.

S for Scanner
Heathrow airport proudly introduced body scanners that would tighten security. However people claimed to have saved and distributed images of SRK’s body, leading to an outcry by privacy groups.

T for Trimurti
This was one of the major box office debacles of the mid-nineties and director Mukul Anand and producer Subash Ghai traded barbs on who was responsible. Fingers were also pointed at the performances of Anil Kapoor and Jackie Shroff and this was one of the few controversies SRK quietly walked away from.

U for United Producers and Distributors Association Forum
Being a producer himself, SRK was thick in the middle of the 2009 Bollywood producers’ strike. Initially the TV channels just focused on rivals SRK and Aamir coming on one platform.

W for Whiteness Creams
While stars and cricketers have got flak for endorsing any and every product they can get their hands on, SRK got maximum flak for selling a skin whitening cream—and that too for men!

X for Xerox
A Xerox of Dilip Kumar. A copy of Amitabh. That’s how his acting was described when he started out his career. Then there was that hamming label. That way, he has come a long way with his performances in Swades, Chak De India and MNIK.

Y for Yash Chopra
While SRK and the Chopras have shared an excellent relationship, the very first movie Darr had Sunny Deol crying foul over the way his role was cut to size and the ending was shot and edited without him being taken into confidence. The media reported that they didn’t talk for years after that.

Z for Zaara, the Pakistani girl
When Veer-Zaara was released, Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf was very upset with the negative portrayal of Pakistan. Luckily, that did not escalate into anything nasty.

Post Script (18 May 2012)

A for Abhijeet

Bollywood singer Abhijeet once declared that he wouldn’t sing for SRK ever again as he didn’t get enough respect to him.

K for Kunder

It was alleged that SRK slapped Farah Khan’s husband Shirish Kunder at a Bollywood party.

R for Ra.One

No SRK movie has come in for so much flak over its storyline and penchant for offending a whole host of communities. Panned by the critics, this movie raked in the moolah for SRK but still wasn’t the blockbuster it was made out to be.

S for Smoking

SRK was caught smoking in the Sawai Mansingh Stadium in Jaipur during an IPL match and a case was filed against him.

W for Wankhede Stadium

A grand fracas after a match (that KKR won!) led to SRK being banned from Wankhede Stadium.

Y for Yale University

On his way to give a speech in Yale, SRK was again detained by airport security yet again.

© Sunil Rajguru

2008. IPL formed and to invite international stars including those from Pakistan.
Great.
2008. IPL1 features players from Pakistan.
Great.
2009. IPL2 allows players from Pakistan to play but they withdraw due to tensions.
Great.
2010. IPL3 allows auction of Pakistan players but no-one bids for them.
Great.
2010. SRK feels Pakistan players should have played in IPL3.
What? Pakistan players should play in IPL? Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1960s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1970s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1980s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1990s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2000-07: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2008: What? The Amitabh who acts in Bollywood movies is actually from UP and lives in Mumbai.
Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1950s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1960s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1970s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1980s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1990s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2000-07: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2008: What? So many taxi drivers are in Mumbai are from Bihar and robbing the profession of the locals?
Nonsense! Humbug! Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

Mumbai is really a city of dreams. If you’re a politician, then you can sit in your office and dream up of “any nothing” and make it happen.

© Sunil Rajguru

(Knock Knock Jokes in Hindi)

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Bal.
Bal kaun?
Bal bal bach gaya SRK. Ab thode din Raj karega.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Ek saal baad Number 1.
Ek saal baad Number 1 kaun?
Ek saal baad Number 1 kaun?
Bharat-Dakshin Afreeka-Australia, ye ladai trikone.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Aman ki Asha.
Aman ki Asha kaun?
Ye baat main bhi jaan-na chahata hu, ye hain kaun aur sacchi main exist karti hain kya?

© Sunil Rajguru

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Glaciers are melting faster for
Glaciers are melting faster for who?
Glaciers are melting faster for the IPCC, that’s who.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
My Name is Boo
My Name is Boo who?
My Name is Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, when will these controversies leave me?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Number
Number who?
Number 1 or 2 even I don’t know after our latest loss, these ICC ranking are so confusing.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Headley
Headley who?
Headleywho, yodeleu, yudlayweeehooooo karke nikal gaya India se.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
IPL
Bam!
(This time there was a Pakistani cricketer answering the door)

© Sunil Rajguru

· Virtual Reality
Number of Connections: 500+
Number of Followers: 767
Number of Online Friends: 1023
Number of Real Offline Friends: 0

· If I have one thing to do, then I relax.
I have just one thing to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have two things to do, then I get confused.
Which of the two to do?
…and I do nothing.

If I have too many things to do, I get paralyzed.
Oh my God! So many things to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have nothing to do…
Well I have nothing to do!
…so I do nothing.

It’s all the same in the end.

· In India, ATM means Any Time Money except when…
…the machine is regularly out of order.
…the machine is regularly out of cash.
…there’s a power cut. This is India you know!
…there’s no network. Yes, that happens to Indian ATMs!
…you are tenth in the line and 2-3 people in front of you don’t know how to use an ATM card and keep trying and refuse to be evicted. You depart cashless. The ATM has all the time in the world, but you don’t.

· You are truly alone if you don’t have company for a tea break in your office.

© Sunil Rajguru