…if you are the head the most populous state of a fast growing developing country…

1. Convert national monument into heritage corridor = Rs 175 crores.
2. Build dozens of statues of self all over state = Rs 2000 crores.
3. Annual maintenance of parks to house these statues:
Rs 80 crores per annum X 5 years of power = Rs 400 crores.
4. Price of re-arranging traffic road infrastructure since some of these parks have resulted in the blocking of prominent roundabouts = Rs 370 crores.
5. Price of post retirement bungalow with government funds = Rs 50 crores.
6. Spend Rs 200 crores on a single rally.
Price of ten such rallies including this one = Rs 2000 crores.
7. Total so far: Rs 4995 crores.
Oops! 5 crores left!
What to do?
Just turn them into 1000 Rupee notes and convert them into a garland! Super idea!
All’s well that ends well!

Post Script: Tragedy just occurred, need ex-gratia payments.
Directive: Out of money. Petition Centre.

© Sunil Rajguru

Even after the renaming of Bombay as Mumbai, some groups are not at all happy…

The Mumbai Rename Everything Committee (MREC) is upset with the continuous use of Bollywood and has urged the film fraternity, journalists and writers to use Mollywood with immediate effect. Mira Nair, Mani Ratnam, Kaizad Gustad and Andrew Lloyd Webber have been petitioned to re-register their works of art as Salaam Mumbai!, Mumbai, Mumbai Boys and Mumbai Dreams respectively.

Show causes have also been issued to the Malayalam Film Industry and the Mormon Film Industry (in the US) that they cannot use the term Mollywood, which will refer exclusively to the film industry of Mumbai henceforth. Stunned American journalist Molly Wood was also issued a threat asking her to change her name.

The Walt Disney Company wasn’t spared either. They have been asked to rename of their fictional character Gordon Bombay as Gordon Mumbai. As we can see, the MREC media arm has been very busy. It has written to the producers of popular American serial Bewitched! to change the name of one of their characters from Dr Bombay to Dr Mumbai. The international division of MREC is also alarmed to learn that a town in Franklin County, New York is still being referred to as Bombay. Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports say that the Auckland administration in New Zealand will change the name of Bombay Hills to Mumbai Hills.

Various air forces of the world were mystified to receive emails saying that the area of their bomber aircrafts where bombs are kept should be named mumb bay (as against the current bomb bay). A retired US colonel on condition of anonymity revealed that in that case they would have to petition the Oxford Dictionary to change the name of bombs to mumbs.

In international news, certain black Bombay cats in Liverpool had the words Mumbai written on them in white paint.  In business news, Bombay Dyeing has called an emergency meeting to think of a new name for the company.

Police have intercepted a mysterious list titled “Kaheech rahanar nahin” (nothing will remain) with the following seemingly unrelated terms: Bombay duck (type of fish dish), Bombay mix (a snack), Bombay Sapphire (a type of gin), Bombay Before the British (a research project in Portugal), Bristol Bombay (type of aircraft), Bombay blood group (a rare blood group) and HMS Bombay (a Royal Navy Ship).

Top secret reports also confirm that the radical division of the MREC has got hold of a Time Machine. They are planning to travel back in time and change the original names to Mumbai State and the Isle of Mumbai to avoid all this confusion in the first place.

© Sunil Rajguru

• Do you know that there is only 28.57% reservation for Holidays in the week? Poor Holidays are under-reserved and neglected. I demand 50% reservation for them!

• If Plastic was banned, then the population of the Planet would drastically go up. There would be more pollution and lesser resources. So Plastic is actually an environmentally friendly product.

• If Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, then why do both live on the same planet called Earth?

© Sunil Rajguru

• Sometimes I think that women are superior to men in every way. That is why God gave men a head start in this world by making them generally much physically stronger and taller to even things out.

• If only March 8 is Women’s Day, then does that mean that the remaining 364 days are Men’s Days?

• You know you’re not very popular when you get more phone calls from telecallers than those from actual friends and more spam message than actual emails.

• I like to travel the world through the universes of the TV and computer screens. The real world is too tedious.

• My reading habit is really down nowadays. It’s the electricity board’s fault. There are hardly any power cuts off late.

© Sunil Rajguru

OK, India has crashed out of the 2010 Hockey World Cup. The only highpoint of the whole year was India beating Pakistan and the catchline: Phir Dil Do Hockey Ko. If not anything else, we can at least recycle that catchy line…

For the husband who watches too many cricket and hockey matches…
Phir Dil Do Family Ko

For the cynic who wants to kill off Indian hockey permanently…
Phir Gill Do Hockey Ko

For the fan who wants more accountability in Indian Hockey…
Phir Grill Do Management Ko

For those who still think the players lost out due to lack of funds…
Phir Deal Do Hockey Players Ko

For the Democrat who hated the Bush era and is disillusioned with Obama…
Phir Bill Do Amreeka Ko

For the couple scared of a second or third child the Morning After…
Phir Pill Do Biwi Ko

For those disillusioned with Mamata’s stewardship of the Ministry…
Phir Rail Do Laloo Ko

For the person who wants a meaningful slogan till the 2014 Hockey World Cup…
Bahut Dil diya hockey ko. Ab koi to Indian Hockey Management ko Dimaag do!

© Sunil Rajguru

Once when I ended a theological argument with the sweeping statement, “God can do everything,” my son mischievously said, “God can’t do one thing, which man can do.”
“What’s that wise guy,” I asked.
“Pray to God,” he answered smugly.
When I gave him a blank look, he continued, “We can pray to God can’t we? But I don’t think God can pray to himself!”

***

My son has a priceless concept of Action Replays in real life. Anything you missed him doing or he did in school is enacted out in a painstakingly slow action replay from different angles.
Once when he was playing cricket with his friends and batting, an argument broke out on whether the ball had hit the stumps or not. “Wait,” he told his friends, “let me show you the action replay.” He did such a convincing action replay of the ball just missing the stumps by a whisker, that his friends actually believed him and he was declared not out unanimously.

***

He made me find out on the Net the name of the largest dinosaur that ever walked on this planet. When I told him, he ran to his mother and said, “Jaldi khana do, mere pet main sauroposeidons daud rahe hain!” (Give me food fast, there are sauroposeidons running in my stomach!)

***
I was watching a song of Rajesh Khanna and Sharmila Tagore, when my son asked, “Who are these people?” I told him that one was Akshay Kumar’s father-in-law and the other was Saif Ali Khan’s mother. He looked at me and said incredulously, “No way!” He doesn’t understand how that can be possible. But after that day, every old movie is starring Kareena Kapoor’s grandfather or Sunny Deol’s father or Ranbir Kapoor’s mother… If a yesteryear’s star is not related to one in today’s Bollywood world, he finds that pretty odd.

***

After I explained him all about cloning, the only thing he said was, “When I was born, why didn’t you make a clone of me? He could have done my homework while I could play all the time!”

***

© Sunil Rajguru

Don’t know.

Can’t tell.

Don’t want to tell.

Do you want to know?

Does anyone really care?

Is there any point of what’s on my mind going out into cyberspace?

I don’t have a mind

I don’t mind!

Do you mind???!!!???

Do I even know my own mind?

Off Limits.

Private!

Keep Out!

Telling you hasn’t crossed my mind yet.

I would rather give you a piece of my mind.

Nice Bollywood song!

Yeah, you’d “Like” that wouldn’t you?

First you tell me, what’s on your mind?

I have half a mind to…

Never Mind!

Bottomline: We are all out of one’s minds to tell the whole world what’s on our mind!

© Sunil Rajguru