• The BCCI: For only being interested in money, being distracted by the IPL fiasco and not giving the team enough time to prepare for the T20 World Cup.

• The Selection Committee: For selecting the wrong team and going by past reputations only.

• The Coach: For not setting the correct WC strategy and not pushing hard enough.

• The Captain: For his on-field decisions.

• The Trainer and Physio: For not succeeding in keeping a fit team.

• The Players Themselves: For not being fit, not fielding properly and not being 100% committed.

• The IPL: For introducing fatigue.

• Australia, Lanka and Windies: For playing better cricket than India and beating them.

• The West Indies Board: For not making flat pitches.

• Fortune: For not shining on India.

• The Media: For going after the players, distracting them, not giving them support and demoralizing them.

• The Fans: For having unrealistic expectations in the first place.

Itna sab galat hain!
And you actually thought that India was going to win the World Cup?

© Sunil Rajguru

• Privatization: The conversion of public assets to private ownership. Sometimes leads to controversy.
Publicization: The conversion of an Indian politician’s private thoughts and words to the public domain via media like Twitter, TV channels and spy cams. It is a hot trend in India and always leads to controversy.

• People talk of total Internet penetration and total computer penetration. Ha! The light bulb was invented about 200 years ago and we don’t even have total light bulb penetration in India, thanks to lack of electrification.

• The man who said impossible is a word in a fool’s dictionary could not even conquer the small island next door.

• What happened to all the Scorpios of the world when Pluto was downgraded of its planetary status? (Pluto is the modern ruler of Scorpio)

• God has made someone for everyone. But if he by mistake repeats the process once or more, is that the reason for divorce?

• If a Murderer gets a Life Sentence, then does a Husband get a Wife Sentence?

© Sunil Rajguru

Please sing to the tune of Zindagi ka safar from the movie Safar…

Indian cricket ka safar hai ye kaisa safar,
koi samjha nahin koi jaana nahin,
hai ye kaisa cricketer, dekhte hain sab magar,
koi samjha nahin, koi jaana nahin.

Indian cricket ko bahut pyaar hamne kiya,
haar se bhi mohabbat nibhaaenge hum,
rote rote zamaane mein aaye magar,
rote rote hi stadium se jaaenge bhi hum,
jaaenge par kidhar hai kise ye khabar,
koi samjha nahin koi jaana nahin.

Aise victories bhi hain jo jeete hi nahin,
jinko jeetne se pehle hi haar hi gaye,
careers aise bhi hain jo khile hi nahin,
jinko khilne se pehle fiza kha gaye,
hai pareshaan har, thak gaye spectator,
koi samjha nahin koi jaana nahin.

Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Zindagi ka safar hai ye kaisa safar
Film: Safar
Year: 1970)

Nowadays the IPL is to blame for everything. The BCCI’s mess. The UPA government’s performance. Shashi Tharoor’s career. NCP’s discomfort. … India’s humiliating World Cup loss. Tomorrow it will be blamed for international terrorism and global warming too…

Please read to the tune of Ye lal rang kab mujhe chhodega…

Ye IPL…

Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega.

Mera game kab talak ho, mera dil todega,
Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega…

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Ye lal rang kab mujhe chhodega
Film: Prem Nagar
Year: 1974)

When I was small, I had a sprain that wouldn’t heal. My relative told me that there was a balm that was extremely painful and extremely effective and he’d recommend it to me if I was up to it. It was a brutal “one-day” solution. I didn’t know what he meant but I said yes all the same. He handed me a yellowish-orange extremely smelly balm and told me to use it sparingly or else face the consequences. I put in on and rubbed it and wondered what the fuss was all about. Then I felt a mild burning sensation. It steadily got hotter and hotter and my relative was looking at me amusingly from the corner of the eye.

Then suddenly my hand caught fire! (Or at least it felt that way) I could hardly bear the pain and I didn’t know how to describe it. It was as if a dozen hot needles had been poked in my hand or simply someone had poured kerosene on it and set it on fire. The hand got hotter and hotter and I simply felt I would faint! My relative calmly told me to hold on. It would eventually go away. Eventually meant a few hours and in that time, nothing else mattered. No house. No relative. No work. No thoughts. It was me and my burning hand. By evening, the burning started receding, just like a fire that had been put out with embers steadily cooling. I felt a tingling even as I slept.

When I got up in the morning, I was totally OK. And despite the pain, I was converted for life. As my relative said, “Use other balms 10 times, use this one only once.” But I can see why it’s unpopular. It smells. It leaves stains on your clothes. And of course, it burns like hell. My wife can’t stand the sight of the bottle and says that I’ve used it so many times, that my body is probably immune. When I have multiple body aches, she calls it a Sloan’s Bath. Though my wife did inform me that her grandmother uses something more potent and rare called Sloan’s Liniment. I was mighty impressed.

I have recommended it to people with adverse reactions. Once when my late sister was limping for days, I gave her a bottle. The next day morning I got a firing.

My leg burnt. I couldn’t sleep all night. I got out of bed at 2am. I put my leg in running cold water. I kept it in a bucket for one hour…

When she finished pacing up and down with her tirade, I pointed to her leg. She was no longer limping. She was cured. “But the pain wasn’t worth it,” she said and stormed off.

Once I gave it to my flat-mate and watched in horror as he took a huge amount and started massaging his leg with it. I warned him of the consequences but he wouldn’t listen. He said something to the effect of “Mard ka bachcha” (Loosely translated to mean “son of a macho man”). My friends and I watched as he sat sure that nothing would happen. Then the tingling started and the pain multiplied. My friend got up started pacing around. He was putting a brave face and having difficulty in controlling his pain. Then he let out a scream and started heaping choicest abuses on Mr Sloan and his extended family.

As all of us watched the comic scene, he suddenly picked up the bottle and threw it out of the window with all his might. I ran to the window fearfully, for it faced the main road. If it hit a passing motorist then broken glass and Sloan’s would combine to unleash such pain, that the motorist would surely file a case of attempted murder. Luckily, it had fallen safely into the ground. I could only hope no man or animal would poke its nose into it. I realized that I couldn’t recommend it again to anyone.

It is also a tough task shopping for it. If I go to 10 medical shops, then 5 shopkeepers are sure to look at me as if I’m speaking some foreign language. When I finally do get a bottle, the shopkeeper opens his notebook and scribbles. (Customer came and bought the entire stock (1 bottle) of Sloan’s Balm) I’m serious, when I ask for a second bottle, I don’t get it.

I read somewhere that Sloan’s has capsaicin, which is an essential component of chili pepper. That explains it. If you eat chili pepper, you’ll feel as if your throat is on fire. If you use a balm which has a chili pepper component, you’ll feel as if your body part is on fire…

Hello, is there anybody out there… anybody using Sloan’s Balm?

More importantly, does anybody want to use Sloan’s?

© Sunil Rajguru

Did you ever notice that most of us live a life borrowed on someone else’s idea and we don’t even realize it? Say as a kid, your father is in a particular profession or you take a fancy to something. You want to be that without realizing what it’s all about. You grow up with that as your sub-conscious.

You adopt that idea and cling on to it for your dear life. After that your whole education and development revolves around that very idea. If your inner self tries to stray away from that path, you brutally stop it. You might think those who pass out of IITs and IIMs are the coolest people around and strive to be like them. Or you decide it’s just money or doing what society thinks is hot or right.

That way most of us succeed in doing what we set out to do without realizing that our inner self never wanted that in the first place. It’s like that small boy in the car ad who knows at what age he’s going to become vice president and what age he’ll be CEO and the car that goes along with it. That’s a pretty sad life. Growing up is all about knowing nothing and discovering who you are, what you want and your place in the world, one bit at a time, one layer at a time.

We usually realize pretty late in life that we are on the wrong path and then think nothing can be done. You’re already climbing up the career ladder. There are bills and EMIs to pay and at this age it’s too much of a risk. Then life becomes drudgery, everything is a routine and only “duty” that has to be done. Desires kept getting suppressed till they reach the bottom of the soul. On your deathbed you say, “If only I had done that…” and you die with unfulfilled wishes. Do those unfulfilled wishes lead to another life which leads to another death with unfulfilled wishes ad infinitum?

What stops you from doing what you really want deep down within right now?

That way America, which many Indians see as morally bankrupt, is really spiritually enriched. There people keep asking themselves what they really want and keep trying newer and newer things all the time. It’s common for people to have changed their careers 5-6 times in their lifetime. It’s common for people to just quit and backpack for 6 months. People do crazy things and become legends. That’s why America is the most successful nation on Earth. A nation that does what it really wants.

When I hear for the umpteenth time “I would do exactly what I wanted to do if I had more money…” I ask a question.

“What would you do with your life if you suddenly inherited Rs 10 crore?”

“Buy a swank house, buy a swank car…”

“That’s fine, all those are material things… what will you do with the way you lead your life?”

Then the answers I get are: Do social service… start a business… travel lots… take a sabbatical… teach… start fresh at the bottom of another career… write a book…

Nothing usually beyond that…

Then I ask them again, “So what stops you from doing that right now? You don’t need Rs 10 crore for any of that!”

That stumps them.

Sometimes I think we are more scared of success and fulfillment rather than failure and nonfulfillment.

© Sunil Rajguru

I battle with pigeons almost every day of my life. All they want to do is build a nest in my balcony. All I want is a clean balcony. I keep chasing them away. They keep flying back and I can’t jump off the balcony to fly and pursue them like an eagle.

When the coast is clear, they return. When the coast is really clear, they come with twigs and start building a nest.  I chase them again. Hundred of times! They don’t mind and they don’t care. Once they managed to build a nest and lay eggs. I relocated the nest. But soon they were back again. They keep trying any time in the day 365 days in a year. No matter how many times I chase them or scatter their nest, they don’t give up.

The pigeons are familiar now. I can recognize every one of them. They all looked the same to begin with but not so now. Some are fat. Some are thin. They have different colours near the face and some have albino patches. They are like different people. I feel like naming the pigeons but that would be getting too familiar to them. Too friendly and too attached… And my job is only to chase them from my balcony, right? And their job is never to give up. They are almost machine like in that aspect.

Ah! To be as persistent as pigeons!

Pigeons and doves both come from the Columbidae family. They have managed to survive in whatever habitat the planet has provided them: urban or rural. They share a long and lasting relation with the human race. To find out whether the waters had receded after the Great Flood, Noah sent out a dove to check. Even today the white dove is a symbol of peace. Both the Egyptians and Persians used carrier pigeons 3,000 years ago. They also carried messages announcing winners in the Ancient Olympics. (In the 1948 Olympics as King George VI declared the games open, 2500 pigeons were set free)

In modern times, Paul Reuter used homing pigeons to deliver messages between Brussels and Berlin, a major news breakthrough in that era. The pigeon was also quite active during both World Wars. They delivered secret microfilm images and hundreds of other messages. In fact, 32 Pigeons have been decorated with the Dickin Medal (The British medal for animals). Racing pigeons have raced distances up to 1800 kilometers.

During research, scientists also found that pigeons could be trained to differentiate between the paintings of Picasso and Monet. In On the Waterfront, Marlon Brando was more distressed by the killing of pigeons than of humans.

All this makes me feel guilty chasing away the poor defenceless pigeons. In fact I even feel some vague karmic connection between them. (But I can’t have a stinking balcony, can I? Ah! The vague shallowness of it all…)

But they say everyone can teach you something. That goes for animals and birds too.

I think I’ll adopt a new mantra.

To be as persistent as a pigeon!

© Sunil Rajguru