7 reasons why we are crazy about cricket
India and cricket are a perfect fit
27 March, 2012, Sify.com

8 question marks for Sachin’s all-time great status
…before he can be called The Greatest
19 March, 2012, Sify.com

10 great fight backs since 2000
From VVS to Virat
04 March, 2012, Sify.com

8 suggestions to improve Tests
The 5-day format needs a major booster shot
07 February, 2012, Sify.com

10 contradictions of the Salman Rushdie controversy
Events at Jaipur Literature Festival were pointless
27 January 2012, Sify.com

10 Indian sporting wishes for 2012
Multiple Olypmic Golds, WSH success…
09 January 2012, Sify.com

Ten beginnings of 2011
Iraq peace, South Sudan, Djokovic era…
08 January 2012, Sify.com

10 improbable (but possible) things that could happen in 2012
Manmohan Singh could become President of India
04 January 2012, Sify.com

Nine random wishes for 2012
Like Anna Hazare finally moves on to something else…
02 January 2012, Sify.com

9 scares of 2011
Mullaperiyar, Kudankulam, WikiLeaks, Economy…
01 January 2012, Sify.com

12 misses of 2011
Lokpal, Mahashatak, Economy, FDI…
31 December, 2011, Sify.com

7 reasons why general elections could take place in 2012
The Congress is well capable of toppling itself…
16 December, 2011, Sify.com

10 things that took a real beating in 2011…
Al-Qaeda, N-power, Einstein, Euro…
13 December, 2011, Sify.com

10 reasons why the Indian media is like that only…
Justice Katju was not very off the mark with his criticism
25 November, 2011, Sify.com

5 sportsmen for the Bharat Ratna
Dhyan Chand is the first among equals
11 October, 2011, Sify.com

Six things I still like about the IPL…
It’s not as bad as it is being made out to be
29 April, 2010, Sify.com

The Army Chief and the government are in dispute over whether the General’s official date of birth is May 10, 1950 or May 10, 1951.

Some possible solutions…

1. The General be promoted to Field Marshall, thereby solving the problem of retirement and succession.

2. The two agree that the date of birth touch the half-way mark and be fixed at November 10, 1950. A perfect compromise!

3. The government work on a time machine. Even if the contraption is built after hundreds of years, it can first visit 1950 and 1951 to ascertain the truth, then come back to 2012 to pass on the information and go back to the future from where it came from.

4. The retirement ages of everyone in the Army be pushed ahead by a year. When the General retires in 2013, then the Chief’s retirement age can be pushed ahead by 1 year too. As it is the average retirement age in Europe has crossed 65 and we are way behind on that count.

5. Parliament passes a Constitutional Amendment saying that handwritten applications take precedence over matriculation certificates.

6. The UPA government resigns and calls for Lok Sabha elections. This is the last straw in their beleaguered plate.

These versions (With due respect to the respected armed forces) By Sunil Rajguru

So it’s been close to 250 days since Sachin Tendulkar scored his 99th international century, but the 100th (the Mahashatak) eludes him.

4 reasons why this could be happening…

1. The number of prayers that have reached God have crashed the Prayer Counter. It is unable to handle such a record number of prayers. Either that or the counter is such that the moment it receives 1 billion prayers for a single event, the counter sets back to zero.

2. After winning the World Cup final, Indian cricket is passing through an extraordinarily long  Rahukaalam. That’s why (less importantly) India got thrashed 0-4 in England and (more importantly) Sachin’s Mahashatak eludes him. The country’s top astrologers are calculating when this dark period will come to an end.

3. When Sachin got up in the morning his Facebook notification told him that it was World Kindness Day today. (It was actually set to Pacific Standard Time, which is time, which is 13.30 hours behind IST). He sub-consciously decided to be kind to the West Indies team. (And this is how they repaid him?)

4. The collective thoughts, aspirations worries, tensions and fears of millions and millions of Indian fans is warping the very spacetime around Sachin, thereby creating a disturbance in the force that will create the Mahashatak.

© Sunil Rajguru

1. Irresponsibility: Mannu kee?
In school, there are no real responsibilities to think about. You just go about them like a robot. In college, though you’re on your own, it really doesn’t matter. Going late? No problem! No clean clothes to wear? No problem!
No bills to pay, no promises to keep and no miles to go before I sleep—just sleep!

2. Optimism: Hum honge kaamyaab…
In school, I wanted to be Prime Minister of India. When I pass out of college I’m going to be Bill Gates! Why not! Anything is possible! I can top the class this year. Or maybe next year! I can join IIT and IIM. I can launch a company bigger that Microsoft…
The world is my oyster, even if I’ve never eaten an oyster and haven’t the foggiest idea what an oyster looks like!

3. Equality: Just another brick in the wall
In school, everyone looks and acts just the same. In college, with the right attitude, anyone can be a cool dude. You can escape all class distinctions that appear much later in life when everyone seems to have no choice but to keep up with the Joneses.
School=Total Socialism.
Work=Total Capitalism.

4. Economy: Having not much money to spend in the first place
We could really make our money last. It was in short supply and optimized to the hilt.
I remember in school, the equation was…
One ten rupee note = One rice plate + One balcony ticket + One popcorn + One bus ride back home = One day spent like a king.

5. Total time waste: Kee pharak painde?
You can waste all the time in the world in college and still have enough time to waste some more. In contrast, while working, sometimes a minute wasted seems like a horrible tragedy of hours.
Theory of Ageing Relativity: Time passes slowly in childhood and speeds up when you grow up.

Bonus…
Bunking: So easy in college, but just try doing it regularly at work!
Parents: They have the headaches when you’re small and you inherit all of them with compound interest when you grow up.
Choices: In school, you have only once choice: To go to the next class. After passing out of college the poor unsuspecting soul is bombarded with choices of all shapes, sizes and types which continue throughout his or her life…

© Sunil Rajguru

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

1. The Tere bin Laden Theory
Osama died years back anonymously. A US top official saw the Bollywood film Tere bin Laden and decided to stage-manage the death of a look-alike. That’s why the US forces simply stormed in, got time to do DNA test and dump his body in the ocean on the way back all in a matter of hours. Plot could possibly be used for a Hollywood Tere bin Laden.

2. The WillKat Wedding Theory
Obama gave the the Osama kill order on April 29. And yet Osama died only on May 2. What happened in between?
British intelligence got wind of it and Queen Elizabeth personally called Obama to postpone the capture as it would upstage the marriage of her grandson William with Kate.
Britain hasn’t been America’s best friend for nothing.

3. The Change of Leadership Theory
People within Al-Qaeda were fed up and wanted a total change of leadership and infusion of fresh blood and therefore ratted him out.

4. The Osama-Pak Fallout Theory
Pak had been housing Osama for years. A tiff over some minor issue led ISI to anonymously tip the CIA.
They later pretended to know nothing about it.

5. The I am Bored Theory
Tired of being locked indoors for 10 years, Osama cracked up and slipped out for a morning walk at 4am and was noticed by a neighbour who anonymously tipped off the ISI who anonymously tipped off the CIA.

6. The Law of Averages Theory
Osama’s security head kept him hidden for more than 3500 days.
Look what happened when he had a bad day!

7. The Dubious Dubya Theory
George W Bush got top secret info on where Osama was hiding in his second term.
He decided to use it for a rainy day in maybe his third term. Only, he forgot that he was not entitled for a third term and he forgot about the note.
Obama found a note in his drawer that said: “Open on April 14, 2011 before the re-election campaign”. The note had the coordinates for the house which has been housing Osama from 2005.
Lucky Obama!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

The following things should be done immediately for World Peace, Fan Peace and Peace on TV channels…

1. Mr Manmohan Singh, please give Sachin the Bharat Ratna.
More Indians want this man to get it than all the supporters of all the Bharat Ratna awardees combined.

2. Mr Ajay Maken, begin your tenure in style.
Institute a “Sachin Tendulkar Maha Global Sportsman Award” and give Donald Bradman the first one posthumously.

3. Mr Shashank Manohar, may a foreign player be allowed to join IPL only after he has signed a statement stating Sachin is the greatest of all.
I doubt whether they read the fine print anyway, they just want the moolah!

4. Someone get hold of Pele, Federer and Woods… anyone and get them to make a statement that Sachin is the greatest sportsperson of all time.

5. There are tonnes of Indian billionaires.
Can’t one of them buy Sports Illustrated Magazine and do a cover story on how Sachin’s the greatest of all time?

© Sunil Rajguru

• With the absence of the TV and computer, you are forced to adopt the reading habit. This and delayed flights may be factors leading to the increased sales of English writing books in India off late.

• Makes you more social: You are forced to interact with your neighbours on a more regular basis…

• While the world hosts Earth Hour annually, we Indians celebrate it about a 1000 times a year. Some places celebrate Earth Day and Earth Week. Some villages even celebrate Earth Decade.

• A welcome check on kids who watch non-stop TV or play computer games without a break.

• India consumes less power and is hence eco-friendlier than other countries.

• Savings on your power bill.

© Sunil Rajguru