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Mere paas Facebook account hai.

Followed by…

Bhai tum login karoge ya nahi?
Haan, main login karoonga, lekin main akela login nahi karoonga… main sabse pehle login nahi karoonga…. jao pehle us aadmi se login karao, jisne mere baap ko Facebook addict banaya tha; pehle us aadmi se login karao jisne meri maa ko Orkut par anshan comments likhe the aur har ek social networking site se nikal diya tha; pehle us aadmi ka login karao jisne mere haath pe ye ye (“Mera baap Facebook addict hai”) likh diya tha. Uske baad… uske baad, mere bhai, tu jitne baar Facebook pe login karne ko bolega, main karunga…

(This Version: Sunil Rajguru)

In the last couple of years, my favorite Bollywood badshah Shahrukh Khan has been plagued with controversies, some big and some small. Here’s looking at some of the ones he’d had in his life…

A for Amitabh
One is the Shahenshah and one is the Badshah. And of course, it’s impossible for them to get along. Or so the grapevine would have us believe. There’s a cold war that keeps brewing and we keep getting the details.

B for Billu Barber
This one defied logic. If the hero of a movie is called Billu and is a barber, then what else can one call the movie? But barbers of the world (or rather India) found it derogatory and the film had to be renamed to Billu.

C for Chalte Chalte
It was reported that due to a fracas between Aishwarya Rai and Salman Khan on the sets of the film, the former was sacked from the movie and replaced with Rani Mukerji. Years later SRK wasn’t invited to the marriage of Aishwarya at the Amitabh household.

D for Deepa Sahi
Remember Maya Memsaab in 1993? That had generated a lot of controversy over the sexually explicit content. The censor board cut some scenes, which made their way to YouTube years later.

E for the Eyes of Amar Singh
At an awards show, SRK joked that he saw “darindagi” (evil) in erstwhile Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh’s eyes. Amitabh was miffed and SP partymen agitated in front of SRK’s home.

F for Farah Khan
When Farah decided to do her 3rd movie without SRK, all manner of reports came of a split between the two. The superstar later clarified that it was a date problem and nothing else.

G for Gay
The SRK-Saif gay act in Kal Ho Na Ho was a big hit and the acting continued well into award shows. That led some people to spread rumours that he was gay in the first place.

H for Hosting film award shows
When the King Khan hosts a film award, then it can’t be normal. At the Filmfare awards, he and Saif took potshots at everyone: critics, the film industry, themselves… Not everyone was amused though.

I for IPL
After failing to get Mumbai, SRK landed with Kolkata in his kitty. Since then it’s been trouble with Dada Sourav Ganguly, coach John Buchanan, irate fans, bottom of the table performances, Pak players controversy… just one thing after the other and not even an IPL semi-final berth to show for it.

J for Junk Food Actors
In the 1990s, he once made certain remarks about “junk food actors” which allegedly referred to action stars Akshay Kumar and Sunil Shetty. The comments were subsequently totally denied and everything was fine between the three.

K for Khan Wars
It is impossible for the Three Big Khans to get along. Bollywood is simply too small for Salman, Aamir and SRK. Either they are not on talking terms or are cold to each other at parties and meets. Recently Aamir even got into the mood and questioned SRK’s No. 1 status followed by the below-the-belt comment on his blog that a dog called Shahrukh was licking his legs.

L for Lux Cozi
Lux Cozi sponsored Kolkata Knight Riders. Lux Cozi promoter was charged with the abetment of suicide of Rizwanur Rahman. And the deal got promptly frozen, even though the ads kept coming on TV long after the press conference where the announcement was made.

M for My Name is Khan
One of the biggest controversies in recent times. The Shiv Sena. The MNS. The Maharashtra government. Everyone seemed to have got involved. The film got released amidst unprecedented security and SRK is still clueless on what exactly happened and why it happened.

N for Newark Airport
SRK was detained Newark Airport in the US for more than an hour “Because His Name Was Khan”. While SRK kicked up a racket, his detractors found the plot too eerily similar to the movie he was shooting for.

O for Om Shanti Om
While this movie opened to bumper full house without any problems, thespian Manoj Kumar made a big fuss about how his character was portrayed negatively and wanted an apology plus the scenes being cut.

P for Parties
There’s something always happening at Bollywood parties. The latest was Katrina Kaif’s birthday. The media reported that SRK and Salman almost came to blows.

Q for Quiz Shows
Why did SRK take up Kaun Banega Crorepati? To prove a point to Amitabh? Was Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain a washout? What is SRK doing hosting a college quiz?

R for Rab Ne Banadi Jodi
During the shooting of this movie, it is alleged that SRK smoked on the premises of a “No Smoking” Sikh college in Amritsar. Another unsubstantiated rumour and mini-controversy.

S for Scanner
Heathrow airport proudly introduced body scanners that would tighten security. However people claimed to have saved and distributed images of SRK’s body, leading to an outcry by privacy groups.

T for Trimurti
This was one of the major box office debacles of the mid-nineties and director Mukul Anand and producer Subash Ghai traded barbs on who was responsible. Fingers were also pointed at the performances of Anil Kapoor and Jackie Shroff and this was one of the few controversies SRK quietly walked away from.

U for United Producers and Distributors Association Forum
Being a producer himself, SRK was thick in the middle of the 2009 Bollywood producers’ strike. Initially the TV channels just focused on rivals SRK and Aamir coming on one platform.

W for Whiteness Creams
While stars and cricketers have got flak for endorsing any and every product they can get their hands on, SRK got maximum flak for selling a skin whitening cream—and that too for men!

X for Xerox
A Xerox of Dilip Kumar. A copy of Amitabh. That’s how his acting was described when he started out his career. Then there was that hamming label. That way, he has come a long way with his performances in Swades, Chak De India and MNIK.

Y for Yash Chopra
While SRK and the Chopras have shared an excellent relationship, the very first movie Darr had Sunny Deol crying foul over the way his role was cut to size and the ending was shot and edited without him being taken into confidence. The media reported that they didn’t talk for years after that.

Z for Zaara, the Pakistani girl
When Veer-Zaara was released, Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf was very upset with the negative portrayal of Pakistan. Luckily, that did not escalate into anything nasty.

© Sunil Rajguru

Have you ever watched a Hollywood movie and wondered: Someone else would have done that better! That is irrespective of whether the movie is a hit or not and the character received critical acclaim or not. Here’s one such Hollywood wish list…

Jim Carrey as the Joker: Carrey was great as the Riddler and the late Heath Ledger rocked as the Joker. But I still think that Carrey, with that awesome face of his, would be the ultimate Joker. The way he contorts his face, the way he moves his body and the way he speaks: He was born for the role. Maybe (hopefully) after 5-10 years!

Harrison Ford as Albus Dumbledore: Dumbledore was a daring and exciting wizard who wielded his wand with power and dueled with all sorts of evil wizards. So why take a character actor to do that role? When you look at Dumbledore, you want to believe this guy was a dashing adventurous dude in his youth. Who better than Ford with a white beard? Ford was Indiana Jones and Hans Solo in his past lives. That image is the clincher. Another option could be Sean Connery.

Christopher Lee as Voldemort: He was one of the scariest Draculas. He was the Evil Emperor’s henchman and dapper Count in the Star Wars series. And of course he was the ultimate bad wizard Sauron in Lord of the Rings. I don’t think anyone but Lee can be Voldemort. I have nothing against Ralph Fiennes, but the make-up man has turned him into a bit of a joke. Not at all scary… slightly repulsive maybe, that’s all. A far cry from the Voldemort of the Harry Potter series, that had people quaking in their boots.

Steven Spielberg as director of the Harry Potter series: The Harry Potter movies together look disjointed and have been directed by different directors. They are nowhere in the league of Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. I had initially read a report that Spielberg was considered, but talks broke down. Big mistake. Spielberg would have taken the Harry Potter films to a totally different level.

Haley Joel Osment as the young Anakin Skywalker: Jake Lloyd got the role of the young Anakin in Phantom Menace. When I heard that Osment of the Sixth Sense fame was the other choice, I thought: Bad miss. Why? Because the Dark Side doctrine is:
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Osment reeks of fear. No kid can bring out fear better than him.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: This is probably the Mother of all Worst Castings. Hell they even got the robot wrong! They treated it as a comedy. But the Hitchhiker’s series is actually a deep philosophy of the universe that happens to be funny! Zaphod Beeblebrox is a crazy two-headed Galactic President. Again, I can’t think of anyone but Jim Carrey. How would you represent Marvin the Robot who has the “brain the size of a planet” and is always highly depressed? Definitely not something that looks white and cuddly! For the rest of the cast, I’d root for Cameron Diaz as Trillian, Will Smith as Ford Prefect, Matt Damon as Arthur Dent and Anthony Hopkins or Tommy Lee Jones as Slartibarfast.

Jason Statham as James Bond: When I first saw Transporter, Statham struck me as a rough version of James Bond. Polish him a bit and he’ll be good for the original. If Bond was American, he’d be Vin Diesel and if he was Indian, then Akshay Kumar.

© Sunil Rajguru

The Idiotic Trilogy

Three Point Someones: What not to do at Bollywood—Chetan Bhagat

The Idiot—Aamir Khan, Rajkumar Hirani and Vidhu Vinod Chopra

3 Idiots: The True Story—Chetan Bhagat

The Khan Series

Wanted A Hit No More—Salman Khan

Who is Shahrukh Khan?—Aamir Khan

Wait for My Name is Khan—Shahrukh Khan

My Name is Also Khan—Aamir Khan

Same Here—Salman Khan

What about me?—Imran Khan

There are More Than Three Khans in Bollywood—Arbaaz, Farah, Fardeen, Irrfan, Saif, Sajid and Soha Ali.

General Reading

The Story of My Experiments With the National Anthem—Ram Gopal Varma

De Dana Dan Flops have left me Blue—Akshay Kumar

Child is the Father of Man—Amitabh & Abhishek Bachchan

My Real Rashee is Cancer—Priyanka Chopra

Hit Hain Possible—Uday Chopra

The Airport—Shahrukh Khan (aka The Terminal)

Mumbai pe Bombay Kurbaan—Karan Johar

Solah Bigha Zameen—Amitabh Bachchan

The Art of Flying Kites—Hrithik Roshan & Barbara Mori

The Songs of India—AR Rahman

Prison Diary— Neil Nitin Mukesh

Coming Soon, The Idiotic Sequel Trilogy

The Misers—Chetan Bhagat

Much Ado About Nothing—Vidhu Vinod Chopra

The Merchants of Bollywood—Chetan Bhagat

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Akshay Kumar + Vulgar Script + Over the Top Comedy + Katrina Kaif = 1 Superhit

Akshay Kumar + Vulgar Script + Over the Top Comedy – Katrina Kaif = 1 Superflop

Hero = Producer = Director = Creative Head = The Future of All Aamir Khan Movies

1 Father + 1 Son + The Letter K + Any Script/Story = A Hrithik Roshan Superhit

Film star + IPL Team = No Hope of Lifting the IPL Trophy

1 Yesteryears Actor + 1 Yesteryears Actress + 1 Item Girl + 1 Bollywood Side Star = Bigg Boss House

1 Profession + 1 Strong Heroine + Loads of Realism = A Madhur Bhandarkar film

Any Hero + Any Heroine + Any Comedy Movie + Ritesh Deshmukh = A Commission Earner

Akshay Kumar + Sunil Shetty + Paresh Rawal + Priyadarshan = Hera Pheri 1,2,3,4,5…

1 Quickly Made Film + 1 New Heroine + 1 New Director + 1 Don/Ghost = Has to be RGV

Rani Mukherji + Rumours of Marriage with Aditya Chopra = Career Gone Bust

Some pretty old ones…

A Bhatt Film + 1 New Heroine + Multiple Kisses + Great Music = An Emraan Hashmi Hit

Love Story + Designer Clothes + Chiffon Sarees + Switzerland Song Sequence + Lata Theme Song = A Yash Raj Film

Many Designer Sets + 1 SRK + Loads of Melodrama + Rani/Kajol Starring/Guests = A Karan Johar film

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

So Slumdog Millionaire finally won 8 Oscars. It’s funny how it’s so panned inside India and so critically acclaimed outside it (100 plus international awards in 4 months). While it’s OK to criticize a movie if you don’t like it, I’m really surprised at the kind of slamming that Slumdog is getting.

First things first. Is there any rule on where a film story can be based? I guess not. Your film can have a setting in India, America, Antarctica, the moon, a galaxy that doesn’t exist, a few thousand years in the past, a few hundred years into the future and even an alleged parallel dimension. That’s what cinema is all about and variety keeps the box office ticking.

So why can’t a foreign director base a film in the slums of Mumbai? Fair enough? Secondly, what will any director try to do when making a film? He’ll try to make it as realistic as possible. Whether it’s Stanley Kubrick’s Space Odyssey: 2001 or Troy or City of God or our very own Lagaan, directors try to make their movies as believable as they can. If you’ve seen the movie, please tell me what part is false or incorrect. Events like the ones depicted have taken place and continue to do so. Nothing wrong with that too.

Then they say that this is exploitation of slums and poverty is being exported. But if you’ve seen the film then you’ll also agree that more than the depiction of the slums, it is a celebration of life itself. The two brothers are shown playing cricket, enjoying being chased by the police and generally having a good time.

Spoiler follows…

It’s a movie about the triumph of human spirit. While our protagonists keep getting into scrapes, they keep getting out of them. Despite the loss of their mother, they move on. Despite being captured by a gang who wants to make one of them blind, they escape. Despite being absolute newcomers in Agra, they manage to make a living there. Despite carving out a cushy life in a new city, they come back to rescue the girl in Mumbai. Our hero gets third degree all night in a police cell and yet sits it his chair and stares angrily at the sub-inspector with his pride intact. In the end he becomes a millionaire, gets the girl and gets rid of the bad boys. That’s a feel-good film with a happy ending. Not an “arty” film which exports India’s poverty.

Spoiler ends…

“Triumph of the Underdog” and “Destiny”

One reason why Hollywood has loved the movie so much is because it shows the triumph of the underdog. (Slumdog = Slum + Underdog) I had read an article many years back on the American film industry which claimed that when the Jews took over Hollywood, they transferred their “outsider” status into the movie stories. Their heroes were rarely part of the mainstream society. The trend continues till this day. Look at some of the top grossers of all time.

What chance does Frodo Baggins have in a world full of powerful sorcerers? What chance does an ogre called Shrek have of winning the princess’ heart? What chance does computer programmer Thomas A. Anderson have of becoming Neo and saving the world? What chance does a Mumbai slum kid have of becoming a millionaire?

More than slums, it is the very Indian concept of karma that is sold to western audiences. Destiny. It is written. It is only by luck by chance that Jamal wins. While the first half is a grim reality, the second half is the great escape. My guess is that most Indians stopped watching after the interval and that is exactly the image of Slumdog they have in their minds.

Summing up, I’d say the reason why Slumdog won big time is:

1.    It’s a perfect fusion of “arty” slums and Bollywood escapism along with British and Indian talent. Fresh for the West.
2.    It’s actually a Hollywood film masquerading as a Bollywood one.
3.    Since there were no nominations for best acting, it wasn’t in direct competition with Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Kate Winslet etc.

Rahman Bashing

Another criticism is AR Rahman’s music. Most people (me included) agree that this is not his best piece of work. And yet he has got an Oscar, Golden Globe and BAFTA. That’s a big irritant for distracters. To answer that question, the way we regard music in films and the West does is totally different.

In Bollywood, they make good songs with good music and good lyrics. The idea is that the album should sell as a standalone product. That is more important than blending with the movie. That is why most of Bollywood albums can be enjoyed without knowing anything about the film whatsoever.

In the West they do it a little differently. The music has to be part of the plot and in the very fabric of the movie. That is why sometimes you may not enjoy the music album that much if you don’t see the movie. If you buy the music of Slumdog, you may or may not enjoy it. That’s irrelevant. What is relevant is how much you enjoy the music when you actually watch the movie. Does it blend with the movie? I think it does. Secondly, remember, Rahman was composing for an international audience and not a national one.

This is the best East-West fusion I’ve seen in a long time. Let’s hope this is the beginning of a new trend.

Quick Facts
1. The very first winner of UK’s Who wants to be a Millionaire was arrested on charges of cheating and later convicted.
2. A contestant of the Australian version of the game was also arrested but later cleared of wrongdoing.
3. The first winner of Kaun Banega Crorepati, Harshvardhan Navathe, was from Mumbai.
4. Vikas Swarup’s Q&A, on which the movie is based, does not focus on any particular game show in particular.

Post Script
Aren’t we all hypocrites to some extent? We don’t go near slums and we don’t talk to people from slums. And yet when a Britisher makes a film on slums, we all cry foul.

© Sunil Rajguru

My friend Prakash asked me the following question, “Which film is better? Taare Zameen Par or Slumdog Millionaire?”

My answer was the same as his: Taare Zameen Par.

To that I got the retort, “Then what kind of hypocrisy is this? Slumdog gets an Oscar and TZP doesn’t even get a nomination!”

Well, I can answer that question in one word.

Songs.

As long as Bollywood movies fit in half-a-dozen to a dozen inane songs, the majority of the West will not watch them. For us songs are a part and parcel of a movie. For the Westerner they aren’t. For a newcomer watching a good Bollywood movie, the moment a song comes, the flow is broken and he’ll walk out. (I used to do the same, much to the consternation of my wife) Even if he manages to sit through the first, he’ll walk out at the very next song. So how do you get the non-NRI audiences to even watch your films?

In the West, they make romances, musicals, thrillers, fantasies, comedies science fiction, horror, action, crime movies…

In India, we make musical romances, musical thrillers, musical fantasies, musical comedies, musical science fiction, musical horror, musical action, musical crime movies…

You can still argue that both Slumdog and TZP have songs. But Slumdog cleverly begins with one and ends with one, while the others play in the background subtly. In TZP , like every other Bollywood movie, things just seem to stop for the songs. If the movie is a musical in the first place, it’s fine, but if you try to pass off every movie as a musical with songs just for the heck of it, that doesn’t make sense.

Slumdog kept songs at the periphery and got Oscars for Best Original Score and Best Song. That’s the secret. Don’t stop the flow of the movie just for songs.

When Lagaan was nominated, a foreign critic said something to the effect of:  My personal favorite is Lagaan, but it has no chance of winning. An American jury will simply not sit through such a long movie with all its songs.

A possible solution

A few decades back the production standards of Bollywood movies weren’t that great and they relied on a lot of plagiarized plots. However off late a lot of slick movies have come out with slick plots. They could win international awards. What’s wrong with that?

So how do they go about doing it? One solution could be to release another version of the movie without songs for the international audience. If the songs took the movie forward, then it could be replaced by a voiceover, a montage of scenes or something like that. That’s the only way Bollywood can increase it’s audience and international awards kitty.

For years I’ve been told that Bollywood is unique with all its song and dance numbers. I for one think that’s absolute rubbish. Many a times songs spoil a perfectly good movie. The time has come for most of our film makers to do away with songs. Or in this era of choice, give a film to us in two flavours: With and without songs.

Quick Facts
Three Indians (AR Rahman, Resul Pookutty and Gulzar) won with Slumdog in a single night. Here’s India’s count before that:
Bhanu Uthaiya: Best Costume Design, Gandhi, 1982.
Satyajit Ray: Honorary Oscar, 1992.
Indian films nominated in the Best Foreign Language Film category: Mother India (1958), Salaam Bombay (1989), Lagaan (2002)
Indian directors/producers who’s films have won Oscars: Ismail Merchant and Shekhar Kapoor.
Winners with an Indian connection: Ben Kingsley (PIO) and Ruth Praver Jhabwala (Lived in India, married to a Parsi)
Nominations all: Ravi Shankar for Best Music in Gandhi and Ashmin Kumar’s The Little Terrorist, for Best Documentary in 2004. Indian-American Manoj Night Shyamalan has also been nominated.

Post Script
Not many people realize that the Oscars are not for English movies alone. Any movie of any language released in Los Angeles is eligible. Examples of foreign movies with multiple nominations in the main categories are French films Cyrano de Bergerac and Amelie along with the Danish film Pelle the Conqueror. So if Amitabh gives a sterling performance or Mani Ratnam directs a stunner, why not release that movie in LA and try for the main categories?

It’s not that we should be crazy about Hollywood or Oscars, but it’s just an additional territory that India could get into

© Sunil Rajguru