SRK is not the Dildaara of Ra.One, but the “Deal”daara of the real world and just seems want money, not the viewer, to Stand by him… After many years he has made enough money to fill his coffers thanks to hype and multiple deals…
Please read to the tune of Dildaara (Stand By Me)…

When the kadki has come,
When the kadki has come,
Then the money coffers are dark,
And the moolah is the only light,
And the moolah is the only light,
We will see… Darling money, darling money…

Darling money, darling money… Stand by me…
Won’t you stand… stand by me…

(Original Song: Dildaara (Stand By Me)
Film: Ra.One.
Year: 2011)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

∙ The journey from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai to Ra.One…
Hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar pyaar karte hain, ek baar shaadi karte hain, aur ek baar se jyaada Ra.One to hargeez nahin dekh sakte!

∙ I think if any of the Three Khans even made a boring documentary, but released it with great hype, then it would make Rs 150 crores in five days before most of the public actually realized what it was all about.

∙ Amitabh Bachchan went all out and sold his brand in the 1990s and resultantly went from Hero to Zero. Only KBC revived him.
SRK is doing the same thing by selling his brand to the hilt…
Some Ra.One wordplay…
Number 1… No 1… No.1… No.One… NoOne… no one…

∙ (Spoiler alert)
SRK has outdone himself cinematically.
In about ten odd movies he has died.
In this one, he dies twice!
In about 5-6 movies, he has played a double role.
Here it’s technically a triple role, (if you count the regenerated G.One at the end!)
Ra.One = Deaths.Two = Roles.Three

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

There is no such thing as a good movie or a bad movie.

Every movie is unreal and basically a lie trying to sell itself to every member of the audience.

It all boils down to Suspension of disbelief (SOD).

When this phrase was first used for books, the onus was on the reader and not the writer to achieve SODhood.

That’s the same thing with movies.

The viewer can either choose to happily believe what he sees (=SOD) or go on with his utter disbelief  (=absence of SOD).

If a viewer achieves SODhood, then he even delights in the little things.

If he doesn’t achieve SODhood, then even a brilliant piece of cinematic work will look ridiculous.

That’s why a movie that is considered “greatest ever” by a critic is considered utter trash by millions of viewers.

And vice versa!

Even the worst of movies will end up finding a small fan following.

Even the best of movies will find some fierce critics.

There are many important ingredients of movie making.

But the most important ingredient of movie watching is simply SOD!

SOD is in your head and no-one really knows when, why and how the SOD factor will kick in—or not!

But it’s the difference between a SODingly good movie and one which makes absolutely no SODing sense.

So basically if you enjoy a movie, just enjoy it and tell the whole world to SOD off!

© Sunil Rajguru

Dear Shahrukh Khan,
Have you ever played with a single video game in your entire life?

Dear SRK’s son,
Beta, are you aware that your father made a movie just for you and got the whole country to pay for it?

Dear Anubhav Sinha,
Are you aware that unless you tell SRK to act, he doesn’t?
(The same goes for Kareena.
And Priyanka, were you high during the shoot?)

Dear Shekhar Subramanium,
How come you have such a fake Tamil accent while speaking in English and none when mouthing Hindi wisdom?

Dear Ra.One,
“Waaah!!! I wanna finish my game. Waaah!!! I wanna finish my game. Come back or else…”
Are you for real?

Dear Kareena,
When is your next movie with SRK?
(Asoka was in 2001.
Ra.One in 2011.
Hope the next one isn’t before 2021.
Somehow you bring out the worst in him)

Dear Story Writer,
Do you exist?

Dear Special Effects Team,
Hollywood is impossible, but couldn’t you have at least come somewhere near Krrish or Enthiran?

Dear Marketing Team,
Who was the movie’s target audience?
(If it was for adults, then it’s way too childish.
If it was for children, then the language and one-liners are way too offensive)

Dear Prudes,
When any non-offensive movie comes, you go over the top protesting it all the same. Here’s a movie that is offensive towards Tamilians, Chinese, Gays… not to mention “sick sexual jokes in a kid’s movie” and there’s just a faint murmur.

Random Access One? Even if I Randomly Access all my memories, then I can’t think of One redeeming point!

© Sunil Rajguru

Inspired by the two Hollywood Star Wars trilogies, Bollywood is making its own Corruption Wars trilogies. A sneak peek at what they are all about…

Episode I: The Anna Menace.
A fasting Yoda-like Phantom Hazare bursts into the national scene foxing the high and mighty of the land. He is being compared to Mahatma Gandhi. But doesn’t the Mahatma copyright lie solely with the Congress Empire? Sacrilege!

Episode II: The Attack of the Clones.
Main bhi Anna, tu bhi Anna, saara desh hai Anna! Anna topis everywhere! Another copyright infringement on the Mahatma Gandhi topi legacy! But how does an Empire fight against thousands of Anna Clones?

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
Both the Apprentice (Prime Minister) and Master (Congress Empire President) take their revenge when they end the Fast, agitation, get the Parliament to promise absolutely nothing concrete and after a few weeks it’s business as usual.

Episode IV: Corruption Wars: A New Hope.
But the fight against corruption continues and the Congress Empire keeps going on the backfoot as more and more skeletons keep jumping out of the closet. Tihar keeps adding more and more politicians. Bad news just refuses to go away even as offices like the CAG and courts tighten the screws.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.
The Jedi brotherhood is almost disbanded. Team Anna is in total disarray. Hazare is on a maun vrat. Prashant Bhushan has been neutralized. Kiran Bedi faces corruption charges herself. Arvind Kejriwal has the I-T sword hanging on his head. Two other members quit and Justice Hegde has serious doubts about the whole campaign.

Episode VI: Return of the Anna.
Can Anna Hazare make a comeback? Can he silence his critics once and for all? Can he keep his promise to the nation? Can a strong Lokpal Act finally become a reality? Will electoral reform happen? This concluding trilogy is among the most eagerly awaited blockbusters in recent times.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

How to make a blockbuster, Bollywood style…

One super-childish video game + One petty and illogical supervillain + One stupid and strong superhero + One incoherent plot and storyline + One bad music album + Basic Level One Science Fiction + Premium Grade One hype + One Superstar =
Rs One hundred crore and multiples of that sum.

Ra.One. Wah.One. Well DOne!

Dhanya ho Bollywood!

Directors, story writers, heroines… sab gaye tel lene, all you need is One Superstar per movie, everything else is irrelevant.

Shahrukh Khan the entertainer died in 2008.
Shahrukh Khan the businessman lives on, getting stronger by the day!

P.S. Which gaming company in their right frame of mind names their premier game as Random Access One?

Stage set for Ra.One.Two or Ra.Two or Ra2.0 for multiples of Rs Two Hundred crores?

© Sunil Rajguru

The UPA series…

Chalti Ka Naam 2G and its sequel Badhti Ka Naam 3G

Maine Satta Kyun Liya, starring Manmohan Singh

Laaga Sarkar Pe Daag

Mujhse Deal Karoge? starring Niira Radia

Badmaash Company, starring Congress and Allies

We Are Family, starring Karunanidhi, Kanimozhi & Dayanidhi with Andimuthu Raja as the villain

Hum Kisise Kum Nahin, starring Andimuthu Raja

Do Term Barah Scam

Bhool Bhulaiyaa, the route taken by all CBI investigations

Kati Patang, the real story of UPA2

Aaj Ka Chacha Aur Bhatija, starring Sharad & Ajit Pawar

3 Idiots, UPA cut, starring Prashant Bhushan, Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi with Anna Hazare playing the role Virus, the hard taskmaster

Kabhi Kursi Kabhi Scam

The Diggy Raja Series…

3 Idiots, with Diggy as Rancho who has a solution to all Congress problems, ably supported by Kapil Sibal and Manish Tiwari

No Problem (For Diggy everything is always fine anyway)

Kyun Ki Main Jhooth Nahin Bolta

Black money series…

Black Main Rang de Basanti

One Two Ka Four Thousand

Note: Hera Pheri sequels got so many, that they have been converted into a daily soap on TV.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru