P – Politicians
A – Army
K – Kashmiri Militants
I – ISI
S – Supreme Court
T – Taliban
A – America
N – Nuclear Scientists

This version by Sunil Rajguru

∙ Pak PM: And what kind of strange clock is this? Is it a Cuckoo Clock? Does it tell the time?
General: No! This is a Coupcoup Clock. It tells you when your time is up!

∙ Q: And why do you want Independence?
Scot: I don’t know! The whole world seems to be asking for it!

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ From now on the BBC will stand for the Banned Broadcasting Corporation in Pakistan.

∙ The Pakistan government has also decided to ban the word “vice” from texting.
Henceforth, Short Messaging Service will be known as Short Messaging Ser.

∙ Pakistan na to India ka dost hai aur na to Afghanistan ka dost hai aur na to US ka dost hai aur ab latest NATO ka bhi dost nahin raha…

∙ Pakistan has banned Facebook and YouTube. They will now be coming out with a new website called Twofacedbook. The replacement for YouTube will be MeTube, where Me stands for Military eye.

© Sunil Rajguru

The US-Pak Barney song

Please sing to the tune of Barney…

I hate you,
You hate me,
We’re an alleged happy family,
With a great big deception,
And a threat from me to you,
Won’t you say you hate me too?

An old one…
US-Pak ties are like a terribly failed marriage where both parties are petrified of divorce.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

A General out of his Labyrinth!—Asif Ali Zardari

All the Prime Minister’s Women—Silvio  Berlusconi

(A sequel to All the President’s Women by Bill Clinton)

A Tale of Two Revolutions—The Unknown Egyptian Protestor

Arms and the Afghan—Mullah Omar

Blind Men of Pakistan and the War Against Terror—Maulvi Jalaluddin Haqqani

Economy…

Book of (No) Job— The Unknown Wall Street Protestor

And Quiet Flows the Cash— Another Unknown Wall Street Protestor

I Bing—Bill Gates

National…

How to Lose Friends and Influence No People—Diggy Raja

Chronicle of a Scam Foretold—Subramanian Swamy

Waste Land: The Playing Fields of CWG & F1— Mani Shankar Aiyar

Catch-22—Manmohan Singh

Heir (Not So) Apparent: A Biography of Rahul Gandhi—Arvind Kejriwal

Pride and Prejudice—Manish Tiwari

Does the Empress of India have the Emperor of Maladies?—The Non-existent Indian Journalist

Much Ado About Nothing: The truth behind 2G—Kapil Sibal

My Prison Diary—Anna Hazare

Khan Wars—Kareena Kapoor

MMS & A Series of Unfortunate Events—Pranab Mukherjee

In Search of Rahul Gandhi—An Unknown Indian Citizen

2011: War Without Victory—Manmohan Singh

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Kambli to India: The 1996 India-Sri Lanka semi-final World Cup match was fixed!
India to Kambli: Hoto pe aisi baat tu daba ke chala aaya pandrah saal ke liye!

Mallya to Investors: Less lucrative routes! Aviation fuel hikes! Economy!
Investors to Mallya: IPL! F1!

CBI to SC: DMK! NDA! CAG! RIL! DoT!
SC to CBI: INC! INC! INC! INC!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India-Pakistan: Divorced in 1947, still awaiting final settlement.

America-China: It’s Complicated.
(Where US=Wife)

Russia-America: It’s so funny how we don’t talk any more.

Brazil-Argentina: Relationship? Depends whether it’s on the football field or off it!

Afghanistan-Pakistan: Separated at birth, hyphenated in the 2000s.
(Af-Pak)

India-China: Married. (To the concept of being the next Superpower)

Israel-Palestine: Separated at birth, united in conflict.

South Korea-North Korea: Brothers. (In Arms)

England-France: Neighbours. (Thank God for the Channel!)

China-Taiwan-Tibet: What relationship? We are One. (Or so says every schizophrenic)

© Sunil Rajguru

Industrialist: Now my topline and bottomline will be hit (hitting my ego big-time), I’ll have to retrench (I don’t give a damn, but will have to show that I care), I may have to sell one luxury car (to show the media that I’m affected)… and I might have to seek more help from those dratted politicians. Think I’ll just take a long foreign vacation to de-stress.

Rich Western Banker: Damn! I might have to sell my swank new yacht. I used it just once!
Damn these downturns!

Neo-rich Family: What? Eh! Economic downturn?!? Really? Errr… Umm…

Criminal: Really? Who cares!

Middle Class Dude: Inflation! Grrr! Petrol hikes! Grrr! EMIs! Grrr! Politicians! Grrr! Economists! Grrr!
Stress. Anger. Frustration.
“OK, let’s just eat out and watch a movie this weekend to forget all about it!”

Lower Class Sufferer: And I thought I’d be dead by now with my record-low-calorie diet… anyway, time to set a new record for eating much less, working much more and still surviving to live another day…

Destitute Class Human: Another one just fell off the face of the Earth by dying due to hunger and starvation without having the foggiest clue about Marx, Keynes, Hayek, downturns, upturns… and without anyone giving him the slightest damn.

© Sunil Rajguru

Please sing to the tune of Money for Nothing by Dire Straits…

I want my military fee…

Now look at them generals, that’s the way you do it,
You play the terrorists and then set them free,
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it,
Money for nothin’ and arms for free,
Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it.
Lemme tell ya them guys ain’t dumb,
Maybe get a little sinister on your swagger,
Maybe get a swagger on your n-bomb.

We gotta install nuclear-tipped missiles,
Custom Chinese and North Korean deliveries,
We gotta move these armies,
We gotta move these hidden Al-Qaidis,

(See the little president with spectacles and the grin,
Yeah buddy that’s his own hair,
That little president got his own jet airplane,
That little president he’s a millionaire)

We gotta install nuclear-tipped missiles,
Custom Chinese and North Korean deliveries,
We gotta move these armies,
We gotta move these hidden Al-Qaidis,

I shoulda learned to play the superpowers,
I shoulda learned to play them dumbs,
Look at that drama, they’ve got the bloody moolah,
Man we could have some,
And they’re up there, what’s that? Nuclear noises?
Bangin’ on the missiles like a chimpanzee,
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it,
Get your money for nothin’ get your arms for free

We gotta install nuclear-tipped missiles,
Custom Chinese and North Korean deliveries,
We gotta move these armies,
We gotta move these hidden Al-Qaidis.
Money for nothin’ and your arms for free,

Look at that, look at that…

Money for nothin’ and your arms for free,
I want my, I want my, I want my military fee,
Money for nothin’ and arms for free…

I want my, I want my, I want my military fee…

(Original Song: Money for Nothing.
Group: Dire Straits.
Year: 1985)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Dear America,
You have thousands of nukes (everyone knows that!) and we have hundreds (an open secret), but if Iran gets hold of even one nuke, then that will destabilize the whole region and ultimately the whole world. We are looking at nuclear Armageddon!
Regards,
Israel

Dear Israel,
You are right! We can’t have that, now can we, especially considering the fact that our President won the Nobel Prize for Peace!
Regards,
America
P.S. Did you check out our cool new slogan: Drone Deaths Bring Peace, Give Peace a Chance!

Dear Iran,
Don’t listen to the world. We have dozens of nukes thanks to which we have self-pride, independence, stability, security and the whole world (including that damn “India”) fears us! Just go for it!
Regards,
Pakistan
P.S. Don’t worry about the rumours that the US will seize our nukes. There’s absolutely no chance of that. All our nukes are hidden so safely that even we are not sure about all of them.

Dear World,
We also have nukes, but I don’t think that really has made any difference to anyone whatsoever.
Regards through a joint declaration,
France, England, India

Dear World,
We have nukes, but we later realized that Capitalism trumps Communism any day. We are screwing America financially. The banknote is mightier than the nuke!
Regards,
China

Dear World,
Who are all you blokes? I don’t know who you are. I don’t recognize even one amongst seven billion of you.
Regards,
God.

© Sunil Rajguru