Obama to Asia: US is here to stay, there’s nothing you can do about it!
Asia to Obama: Damn! We thought that continental drift was still taking place and the US was drifting apart from us!

Kambli to India: The 1996 India-Sri Lanka semi-final World Cup match was fixed!
India to Kambli: Hoto pe aisi baat tu daba ke chala aaya pandrah saal ke liye!

Mallya to Investors: Less lucrative routes! Aviation fuel hikes! Economy!
Investors to Mallya: IPL! F1!

CBI to SC: DMK! NDA! CAG! RIL! DoT!
SC to CBI: INC! INC! INC! INC!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

America-Pakistan: It’s Complicated.
(Where US=Husband)

India-Pakistan: Divorced in 1947, still awaiting final settlement.

America-China: It’s Complicated.
(Where US=Wife)

Russia-America: It’s so funny how we don’t talk any more.

Brazil-Argentina: Relationship? Depends whether it’s on the football field or off it!

Afghanistan-Pakistan: Separated at birth, hyphenated in the 2000s.
(Af-Pak)

India-China: Married. (To the concept of being the next Superpower)

Israel-Palestine: Separated at birth, united in conflict.

South Korea-North Korea: Brothers. (In Arms)

England-France: Neighbours. (Thank God for the Channel!)

China-Taiwan-Tibet: What relationship? We are One. (Or so says every schizophrenic)

© Sunil Rajguru

Head of State: Oh man! That just means more speeches, more meetings, more strategies, more disenchanted voters… and just when I was looking down to settling down to have a relaxing end of term and re-election!

Industrialist: Now my topline and bottomline will be hit (hitting my ego big-time), I’ll have to retrench (I don’t give a damn, but will have to show that I care), I may have to sell one luxury car (to show the media that I’m affected)… and I might have to seek more help from those dratted politicians. Think I’ll just take a long foreign vacation to de-stress.

Rich Western Banker: Damn! I might have to sell my swank new yacht. I used it just once!
Damn these downturns!

Neo-rich Family: What? Eh! Economic downturn?!? Really? Errr… Umm…

Criminal: Really? Who cares!

Middle Class Dude: Inflation! Grrr! Petrol hikes! Grrr! EMIs! Grrr! Politicians! Grrr! Economists! Grrr!
Stress. Anger. Frustration.
“OK, let’s just eat out and watch a movie this weekend to forget all about it!”

Lower Class Sufferer: And I thought I’d be dead by now with my record-low-calorie diet… anyway, time to set a new record for eating much less, working much more and still surviving to live another day…

Destitute Class Human: Another one just fell off the face of the Earth by dying due to hunger and starvation without having the foggiest clue about Marx, Keynes, Hayek, downturns, upturns… and without anyone giving him the slightest damn.

© Sunil Rajguru

Pakistan sure knows how to play America to get billions of dollars for nothing in return for most of the time.

Please sing to the tune of Money for Nothing by Dire Straits…

I want my military fee…

Now look at them generals, that’s the way you do it,
You play the terrorists and then set them free,
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it,
Money for nothin’ and arms for free,
Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it.
Lemme tell ya them guys ain’t dumb,
Maybe get a little sinister on your swagger,
Maybe get a swagger on your n-bomb.

We gotta install nuclear-tipped missiles,
Custom Chinese and North Korean deliveries,
We gotta move these armies,
We gotta move these hidden Al-Qaidis,

(See the little president with spectacles and the grin,
Yeah buddy that’s his own hair,
That little president got his own jet airplane,
That little president he’s a millionaire)

We gotta install nuclear-tipped missiles,
Custom Chinese and North Korean deliveries,
We gotta move these armies,
We gotta move these hidden Al-Qaidis,

I shoulda learned to play the superpowers,
I shoulda learned to play them dumbs,
Look at that drama, they’ve got the bloody moolah,
Man we could have some,
And they’re up there, what’s that? Nuclear noises?
Bangin’ on the missiles like a chimpanzee,
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it,
Get your money for nothin’ get your arms for free

We gotta install nuclear-tipped missiles,
Custom Chinese and North Korean deliveries,
We gotta move these armies,
We gotta move these hidden Al-Qaidis.
Money for nothin’ and your arms for free,

Look at that, look at that…

Money for nothin’ and your arms for free,
I want my, I want my, I want my military fee,
Money for nothin’ and arms for free…

I want my, I want my, I want my military fee…

(Original Song: Money for Nothing.
Group: Dire Straits.
Year: 1985)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Dear Arab World,
We shall soon have a nuke to even out matters in this region.
Regards,
Iran

Dear America,
You have thousands of nukes (everyone knows that!) and we have hundreds (an open secret), but if Iran gets hold of even one nuke, then that will destabilize the whole region and ultimately the whole world. We are looking at nuclear Armageddon!
Regards,
Israel

Dear Israel,
You are right! We can’t have that, now can we, especially considering the fact that our President won the Nobel Prize for Peace!
Regards,
America
P.S. Did you check out our cool new slogan: Drone Deaths Bring Peace, Give Peace a Chance!

Dear Iran,
Don’t listen to the world. We have dozens of nukes thanks to which we have self-pride, independence, stability, security and the whole world (including that damn “India”) fears us! Just go for it!
Regards,
Pakistan
P.S. Don’t worry about the rumours that the US will seize our nukes. There’s absolutely no chance of that. All our nukes are hidden so safely that even we are not sure about all of them.

Dear World,
We also have nukes, but I don’t think that really has made any difference to anyone whatsoever.
Regards through a joint declaration,
France, England, India

Dear World,
We have nukes, but we later realized that Capitalism trumps Communism any day. We are screwing America financially. The banknote is mightier than the nuke!
Regards,
China

Dear World,
Who are all you blokes? I don’t know who you are. I don’t recognize even one amongst seven billion of you.
Regards,
God.

© Sunil Rajguru

Tiananmen Square: Mild tremor in China, but massive earthquake outside China.

Tahrir Square: Strong tremor in the long history of Egyptian politics, but a perceived tsunami outside Egypt.

Times Square: Projected as an earthquake, but an extremely mild tremor for the Wall Street bosses.

© Sunil Rajguru

Pakistan to US: We have nukes, don’t mess with us.

India to Pakistan: We also have nukes, but we allow you to mess with us, don’t we?

China to world: Nukes gaye tel lene, we’ll mess with who we please.

Russia: We have thousands of nukes and nobody even notices us anymore.

Britain & France: What about us, we’re invisible nuclear powers too!

Israel, North Korea, Iran…: Me too! Me too!

US: Bachha log jhagadna band karo. We rule the world without using a single nuke.

(Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened in the last century).

Japan: Besharmo, ek nuke ka kya asar hota hai, koi hamse poochho!

Terrorists: Bhagwan ke naam pe ek nuke dede re baba.

Moral of the story: Everbody loves Dr Strangelove and they have learnt to stop worrying and love the bomb.

This version by Sunil Rajguru