2008: Kasab should be hanged.
2009: Will Kasab be hanged?
2010: Kasab will be hanged!
2011: Will Kasab really be hanged?
2012-2020: When will Kasab be hanged?
2021-Onwards: I don’t think Kasab will ever be hanged.

Mamata: Tata!
Buddha: Don’t raise old issues. That’s dead in Bengal and gone to Gujarat.
Mamata: Who’s talking of Ratan or Singur? Me and the State are saying tata to you and your party!

Caller: Regarding the IPL…
Pawar: What’s that?
Caller: The Indian Premier League…
Pawar: Never heard of it!
Caller: But you set it up, you’re the cricket badshah…
Pawar: The ICC has nothing to do with other boards and leagues.
Caller: But Modi said…
Pawar: I have no truck with Narendra Modi.
Caller: I give up.
Supriya: See! I told you it’s so easy!

© Sunil Rajguru

· Success = 3 Timely Good Hot Meals + 1 Good Night’s Sleep (Every Day)

(May 25)

· It’s high time India, Pak built an Imaginary Wall: No talks, no ties, no trade, no nothing… politicians can’t do a thing… one day the people will themselves tear down the wall… till then stop wasting time…

· When 1 billion people take more than 10-20 years to hang a single person, it’s time to abolish the death penalty.

· Looks like Mamata has Left the Railways. God save us passengers!

· The Terrorist bans Life. The Pak Govt bans Virtual Life. Acchi jugalbandi hain!

· Modi & Modi. Politics & Cricket. Top Performers. Top Targets. Top Hates. Best & Worst together. What would we do without them?

· Pak fan’s diary: Pak maintains 100% victory record in 2010 too. Won 60% matches. Out of 40% matches lost, all were fixed.

(May 22)

· India and Pak are best of friends and believe in sharing! Apart from a shared heritage and culture, they also share Kashmir, bullets and terrorism…

(May 20)

· Unusual marriage vows: Do you Sunanda give up your IPL team? I do! … Do you Shashi give up your Govt Ministry? I do!

· Aman ki Asha = Chaman ki Bhasha.

· Newscast: Here is today’s news, weather, stock quotes and the latest Facebook Privacy settings.

· Facebook is a big fan of Heraclitus, who said: Nothing is permanent except change. That’s why they keep changing Privacy Settings every day.

(May 19)

· Is tiring a bit of T20. It’s like a long Bollywood movie. Can’t wait for International T10. That’ll be more like a Hollywood thriller!

· Rain rain don’t go away,
and still come again another day,
keep at it if you may,
I never believed in making hay…

· Brevity is the soul of wit. Lengthy is the soul of a twit. (Reference: Lalit Modi’s 15000 page reply)

· Saving (Un)Private Facebook

· High time they had parties, tamasha, bollywood stars, hype, team cheerleaders… in world cups and Tests. That’s the only hope of being taken seriously by Indian players.

· Next group to target Modi. Environmentalists. 15000 pages of paper in a paperless era, I tell you! How many trees did he butcher?

(May 16)

· Old Age Saying: The Joke’s on you. New Age Saying: The Joke’s your deputy.
(Courtesy: David Cameron)

(May 13)

· The grass is always greener on the other side = The ball is always shorter on the other side of Indian Cricket.

(May 12)

· I admire people like Shashi Tharoor and Jairam Ramesh. They challenge the absolutely “Fake Public Consensus” that India is steeped in.

(May 11)

© Sunil Rajguru

· There will be less ads and sponsors and money in IPL4. Yippee! That means more cricket time, less breaks and lesser distractions.

(April 28)

· Secrets of long life: Yell in office. Keep walking out of office. Be corrupt. Promote your family (Nepotism). Drown your country & save yourself. (Reference: Indian Politicians)

· Hamam me sab nanga. Par Modi gaya to sab changa?

(April 27)

· Lead: First Semi-final: Modi thrashes Tharoor. Second Semi: Manohar overcomes Pawar. Final: Manohar vs Modi. Analysis: Bookies say match-fixed, Manohar sure to win. Filler: The “Other” Final features CSK vs MI. No-one in the world of cricket bigwigs gives a flying fig for that one.

(April 22)

· Lalit Modi refuses to quit. That’s because thinks he’s a one-man Independent Power League…

(April 20)

· If Tharoor was computer illiterate, like most Indian politicians, he would have still been in office today…

· Statutory Warning: Tweeting May Be Injurious to Your Profession

· Looks like the raids will continue, so let’s just call him Lal-IT Modi of the Incometax Premier League.

· Cong High Command on Tharoor: Ye bechara controversies ke bhoj ka maara, ise chahiye chutkaara…

(April 19)

· Round 1 of Indian Political League: Modi’s Moolahs beat Tharoor’s Twiterrers.

· Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind every notorious man are many women.

· Kabhi Kabhi Ash aur Abhi Indian news channels pe chha jaate hain, Par Abhi Abhi sirf Ash hi Ash hain foreign news channels par…

· People who live in glass houses should not change their Franchisees. People who have Sweat problems should stay clear of public forums.

(April 18)

· PJ Catchlines. Modi Rubber: Tyres that last. Narendra Modi: A communal past. Lalit Modi: Controversies thick and fast.

· It’s a Royal Cyber War between Cricketing-Tweeter-in-Chief versus Indian Government’s-Tweeter-in-Chief. Some simply call it the Battle of the Twits.

· Obama’s treaty is bringing down the US-CIS nukes from x000 nukes to 2/3×000 nukes. The Nobel Committee old fogies must be sleeping much safer now thanks to that. Encore! Nobel! Nobel! Another one please…

· Who’s been viewing my profile the most? It’s you yourself, you narcissist nut! Mr Rajguru, you have 90% page views and the remaining 10% are shared by all your other friends.

(April 15)

· From now on Mirza Ghalib will be referred to as the Other Mirza…

· All 8 teams have been disqualified from the IPL. The finals will now be played directly between Lalit Modi and Shashi Tharoor.

(April 14)

· It’s funny how the most trivial of issues inspire TV Channels and Status Messages.

(April 6)

· Till yesterday the Indo-Pak match that received maximum media coverage was the 2007 T20 WC Final. Now that’s been beaten 10-fold by the Sania-Shoiab one.

(April 5)

© Sunil Rajguru

· Nowadays to become a film journalist all you need is an internet connection. Most of the news is coming from film stars’ blogs and Twitter accounts.

· Amitabh Tips: If you want free publicity, rubbish him. If you want the Congress to stay away, invite him. If you want him to stay away, criticize him. If you want him to endorse anything on Earth, make sure you have enough money…

(March 29)

· Bharti & Lakshmi. Mittal & Mittal. Separated at birth, united in global ambitions.

(March 23)

· USSR = United States is a Socialist Republic (Housing, Insurance, Healthcare…)

· Raju got inspired and came out with Rancho-type solutions with a mobile for an ad campaign…

(March 22)

· Corny Joke #23: Thiruvananthapuram: Mere paas Capital hain, CM hain, size hain, IT hain, Sarabhai Space Centre hain… tere paas kya hain? Kochi: Mere paas IPL hain!

(March 21)

· India’s TPR is approximately 1 million. (Tiger Person Ratio) For every 1 million Indians there’s a solitary tiger.

(March 20)

· Google to bid adieu thanks to China’s Baidu Googly? C for China. C for Censorship. B for Baidu. B for Bye-Bye. (Or Google hates being No. 2)

· ATM (Any Time Money) is passe. Maya’s EWM (Every Where Money) is in.

(March 19)

· After hundreds of years archaelogists will discover a memorial made solely of compressed Rs 1000 notes and melted coins titled: Mahamaya Malamalawati the Daulat.

· New Lingo. Peti = 1 Lakh. Khoka = 1 crore. Mala = 10 crores.

· Bhagwan ke naam pe ek Mala dede re baba!

(March 18)

· Something Maya can still be: PM of India (after 10-20 years, who knows?) Something Maya can’t be: Brand ambassador for Credit Card companies.

· Cong main Madam ko Salaam karo. BSP main Madam ko Salaam karo. BJP LS main Madam ko Salaam karo. Trinamool main Madam ko Salaam karo.Defence chiefs: Madam ko Salaam karo. Jahan Madam Salaam nahin, waha decline hain: SP, CPM, Senas (all limelight no power) And you talk of woman empowerment!

· Today: Maya’s 2nd Garland of Notes. BSP: We will continue this. Prediction: During the 2012 UP polls all banks in India will run out of Rs 500/1000 notes as Maya is planning hundreds of rallies.

· Maya calls party meet. For what? To tell them: Why didn’t you use One Rupee notes instead to represent the poor?

· Maya’s 5-crore garland doesn’t come under the IT Dept (I’m sure she’ll show it as party’s earned income). It comes under the Disrespect and Misuse of Money Dept.

(March 17)

· SRK. KKR. IPL. PWD. MNIK. SS-MNS. NIA… no wonder he feels so short-changed…

(March 16)

· Officially, Modi is a Resident of Gandhinagar. But unofficially, some part of him has always been a Resident of Godhra since 2002.

· PJ Time. Did you know that Sarkozy is Eco-friendly? He is allegedly dating his Environment Minister…

· What if there was a Counter on our Facebook Home Page that kept track of Total Logins and Total Time spent on Facebook in our life. Notifications like: Congrats, this is your 10,000th login. Congrats, you’ve completed 10,000 hours in Facebook…

(March 12)

· Wheels within Wheels. Reservations within Reservations.

(March 11)

· Tired of the continuous match-fixing allegations, PCB decided to Fix Pak cricket & cricketers once and for all…

· Pak cricket first put its foot in its mouth, then shot itself in the foot. Didn’t think that was possible.

· Phir Dil Do Football Ko. Phir Dil Do Athletics Ko. Phir Dil Do Sports Ko. Authorities: Phir Dil Do Sportspersons Ko.

(March 10)

· History will see the Women’s Bill being passed in the RS by a whopping margin of 186-1 and wonder how that “1″ vote held a 1-billion-nation to ransom…

· One-half of India wants one-third of Parliament. Hmm, I guess many people find that pretty unfair…

(March 9)

· Bacillus thuringiensis (Bt) is a bacteria. When added to Brinjal, it helps in fighting pests. When added to Indian politics, it becomes a major Pest and transforms into Bt Politics. (Remember Bt cotton anyone?)

· Jab saath na ho apne hi brand ambassadors ka, apne hi management ka… to hockey ka band bajega hi na? Bechare players aur fans.

· You can atleast Dream of India wining the Cricket World Cup. When it comes to the Hockey World Cup, however, just go ahead and have a Nightmare…

· Even a cat has nine lives. How many times can Indian hockey die?

(March 7)

· To Angrezo ne aakhir apna cricket ka Lagaan hockey main vasool kar hi liya…

(March 6)

· Cricket has plenty of highs with lows thrown in between. Hockey has plenty of lows with highs tossed in between.

· Poochte hain woh ki Ghalib kaun hain, arre Ghalib gaya tel lene, hum khud kaun hain yahi pata nahin hain…

· Indo-Pak bhai bhai, dono haare 2-5…

(March 5)

· What a pain, we lost to Spain, hopes going down the Drain…

· India, please beat Spain, otherwise it’ll be: Phir Funeral karo hockey ka!

(March 4)

· Excuse No 23: Yaar, IPL aa raha hain, practice. Excuse No 79: Film Shooting se time hi nahin milta! Excuse No 114: Duty hain, Commonwealth Games aa rahe hain… New Catchline: Dil gaya tel lene, Phir Time Do Hockey Ko!

· Pak match: Phir dil do hockey ko. Aus match: Phir heartbreak do hockey ko. Next match: Phir chance do hockey ko…

(March 2)

© Sunil Rajguru

• Father: No news of him. He just fell off the Face of the Earth.
Son: No news of him. He just fell off Facebook.

• Today I’ve been feeling really lonely… like I’m the only person on Earth.
Maybe you should see a doctor.
Nah! I’ll be fine tomorrow. My Internet connection is down today.

• Dad…
…when we die, does our soul go to cyberspace?
…did people interact with each other before there were social networking sites?
…if they unleash a virus, then will there be a virtual famine in Farmville?

© Sunil Rajguru

Once when I ended a theological argument with the sweeping statement, “God can do everything,” my son mischievously said, “God can’t do one thing, which man can do.”
“What’s that wise guy,” I asked.
“Pray to God,” he answered smugly.
When I gave him a blank look, he continued, “We can pray to God can’t we? But I don’t think God can pray to himself!”

***

My son has a priceless concept of Action Replays in real life. Anything you missed him doing or he did in school is enacted out in a painstakingly slow action replay from different angles.
Once when he was playing cricket with his friends and batting, an argument broke out on whether the ball had hit the stumps or not. “Wait,” he told his friends, “let me show you the action replay.” He did such a convincing action replay of the ball just missing the stumps by a whisker, that his friends actually believed him and he was declared not out unanimously.

***

He made me find out on the Net the name of the largest dinosaur that ever walked on this planet. When I told him, he ran to his mother and said, “Jaldi khana do, mere pet main sauroposeidons daud rahe hain!” (Give me food fast, there are sauroposeidons running in my stomach!)

***
I was watching a song of Rajesh Khanna and Sharmila Tagore, when my son asked, “Who are these people?” I told him that one was Akshay Kumar’s father-in-law and the other was Saif Ali Khan’s mother. He looked at me and said incredulously, “No way!” He doesn’t understand how that can be possible. But after that day, every old movie is starring Kareena Kapoor’s grandfather or Sunny Deol’s father or Ranbir Kapoor’s mother… If a yesteryear’s star is not related to one in today’s Bollywood world, he finds that pretty odd.

***

After I explained him all about cloning, the only thing he said was, “When I was born, why didn’t you make a clone of me? He could have done my homework while I could play all the time!”

***

© Sunil Rajguru

· All Hail to Holi: The Festival of Equality. Everyone looks the same today.

(February 28)

· If there is such a thing as Colour Pollution, then Holi is it.

(February 27)

· India’s numerous victories are leading to more injuries. Just look at the players jumping on to each other and lifting up each other after every win!

(February 26)

· Why FB beats Twitter: I can put 200 exclamation marks:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!

· Sachin tum Sau nahin Do Sau saal jiyo!

· Sachin Ramesh Doubletondulkar

· Dear Twitter, for today, please allow 200 characters per message

· Actually it was just a Sau Sau innings

· Nightmare thought. What if Dhoni had hit 6 boundaries in the last over!

· Watching live on TV at home!!! Power returned when he was on 196! #wherewereuatsachin200?

· 200dulkar!

(February 24)

· Ad: Phir dil do hockey ko… Reality: Phir paisa do hockey players ko…

(February 19)

· Protest against Pak players. SRK protests. Protest against Aussie players. Protest against Andhra venues. Protest against Modi. Media houses protesting. Orissa venues protest… IPL = Indian Protestors League

· The ODI WC Final is a Destination. Once you win that, you stay for 4 years. The Test No. 1 Spot on the other hand is a Journey. So let’s hope the Indian Journey is Long & Memorable.

· Dhoni’s Test average as Captain is 72. (ODI average as Captain 59) Usually when an Indian player becomes a captain, we lose a good batsman. In this case, we gained one.

· Why we won: SA treated this match like a Test WC Final. So then they promptly went ahead and did what they are best at: Choking. OK, Just Joking. India’s Rocking. So is Amla.

· An eye for an eye, an innings defeat for an innings defeat…

(February 18)

· Rain rain go Away, Come again another Day, Little India wants to Stay (No. 1)

(February 17)

· The Sehwag Doctrine: Test match ho ya One-Day, Roz maaro chakke…

(February 15)

· No update for some time Reason #2343: Someone threw garbage and burnt it near the BSNL cable, which melted and had to be replaced. Silicon Valley, India, circa 2010

(February 13)

· My Name is 24-Hour Coverage

(February 12)

· From now on a new breed of VVIPs will be given extra security. VVIP= Very Very Important Picture (Is there any policing left for the common man?)

· Raj to Uddhav: I protested Amitabh, you SRK. Amitabh > SRK, therefore, I > You, Hence proved

· Buzzing In The Wind: How many social networking roads must a man walk down, before he turns totally insane?

(February 11)

· How many more Plastic Surgeries on the Face of Facebook? I won’t be able to recognize it any more.

(February 10)

· Next directive from Aussie Cops for Indian Students: Please use Fair & Lovely regularly to blend in with the locals. Thank You!

(February 8 )

· Raj took away the spotlight from Bal. Udhav took the spotlight away from Raj. And they all took the spotlight away from the real issues of Maharashtra.

(February 5)

· Coming Soon: Indo-Pak Talks Part 345. Next Change: Talks Collapse Part 345. Then a Storm and a Lull, More Talks, Another Break… ad infinitum…

(February 4)

· In India, People are bent on making the Tigers extinct. In Maharashtra, the Tigers are bent on making all the Other People extinct.

(February 2)

· IPCC = Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Controversies

· Don’t the Tigers know that the Pakistani Cricketer is already on the Endangered Species list? Best to leave them alone.

· With the way it’s been going for the last couple of years, he should change his name to: My Name is Controversy

(February 1)

© Sunil Rajguru