Political parties’ series…

DMK = Daddy Misses Kanimozhi.

ADMK = Amma Despises Muthuvel Karunanidhi.

BSP = Builders of Statues & Parks.

NCP = National Cash-cow for Pawar.

INC = Indian Network of Corruption.

BJP = Busted Jaded Party.

CPI = China Please Instruct.

CPM = Chillar Party of Marxists.

TRS = Train-roko. Raasta-roko. Strike-karo.

JD = Just Dead.

UPA = Unilaterally Pissing-off Anna.

NDA = Never-say Die Advani (for PM).

SP = Sinking. Perishing.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pakistan to US: We have nukes, don’t mess with us.

India to Pakistan: We also have nukes, but we allow you to mess with us, don’t we?

China to world: Nukes gaye tel lene, we’ll mess with who we please.

Russia: We have thousands of nukes and nobody even notices us anymore.

Britain & France: What about us, we’re invisible nuclear powers too!

Israel, North Korea, Iran…: Me too! Me too!

US: Bachha log jhagadna band karo. We rule the world without using a single nuke.

(Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened in the last century).

Japan: Besharmo, ek nuke ka kya asar hota hai, koi hamse poochho!

Terrorists: Bhagwan ke naam pe ek nuke dede re baba.

Moral of the story: Everbody loves Dr Strangelove and they have learnt to stop worrying and love the bomb.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

∙ Yesterday: Friend, Philosopher and Guide.
Today: Friend, Subscriber and Liker.

∙ Yesterday: You’ve got mail.
Today: You’ve got notifications.

∙ Yesterday: Stop bugging me.
Today: Stop poking me.

∙ Yesterday: Main aur meri tanhai…
Today: Main aur mera status message…

∙ Yesterday: If you have 5 true friends, it’s enough.
Today: If you have 500 Facebook friends (true or false, who cares), it’s enough.

∙ Yesterday: The more books you read, the more your brain will develop.
Today: The more friends you have on Facebook, the bigger your brain size.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Technology…
The Book of Jobs.
Blackoutberry.
Google-.

National…
Roamfree.
Infoprez.
Rath Race.
Loktaal.
Plants Nuked.
Mine’s all Mine.

International…
Iran=Ikill.
On its Haqqaknees.

Sports…
Still on its Dhoknees?
Crum-ble.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Journalist: Wanted someone who can fabricate stories and make mountains out of molehills and vice versa without a conscience.

PR: Do you have a bit of Niira Radia within you?

Banker: If you can ensure your salary and bonus for just one year and have great short-term financial goals (the overall economy and Sensex be damned) then please apply.

Banking Consultant: If you are a small-time goonda, here’s your chance to become a respectable recovery agent.

Lawyer: Just head to any political party after your law degree. Most of them end up there anyway.

Commercial Pilot: Just make sure you have enough money to buy a fake degree.

Sales Job: But can you lie 24X7 and be confident about it?

Accountant: Knowing all the rules and being good with numbers is not enough. Apply if you can manipulate rules at will and make numbers dance in any way you want.

Real Estate: Do you have it within you to handle the land mafia to make it big?

Army: Adarsh hai to wahan pe apply karo…

Politician: If you have all the above mentioned skills, then we already welcome you to the wonderful world of Indian politics.

© Sunil Rajguru

1963: Lokpal Version 1.0.
Creator: Papa Singhvi. PM: Pardada Nehru.

1968: Version 2.0.
Introducer: Papa Bhushan. PM: Dadi Gandhi.

1971: v3.0. 1977: v4.0.

1985: v5.0. PM: Papa Gandhi.

1989: v6.0. 2001: v7.0. 2005: v8.0. 2008: v9.0.

2011: v10.0 not cleared by Parliament.

Rejoice!
v11.0 now to be branded as Lokpal Strong Ultra Version 11.0.

Dramatis personae & Descandants, circa 2011…
Beta Singhvi (Head of Standing Committee), Mamma Gandhi (Congress President), Beta Bhushan (Team Anna) and Mahatma Gandhi Version 2.0 (a.k.a. Anna Hazare).

Lonely Lokpal’s song…
Saare bhrastachariyo ka bojh hum uthate hain,
Sarkare aate hain, sarkare jaate hain,
Par hum yahin pe khade raha jaate hain…

Burning Question…
Will Beta Gandhi finally manage to make it a reality when he finally becomes Prime Minister one day?

Inscription for all those staring at the Lokpal Hell Gate…
Abandon hope all ye who enter here!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

∙ Aal Izz Well?
Really? Howz that?
There’s no Rancho is UPA2.

∙ Sonia’s mystery illness discovered.
She’s totally sick of the cancer of corruption and the virus of party infighting.
Still unwell as cure nowhere in sight.

(September 30)

∙ Breaking News: The news related to 2G has already been broken and broken down so many times that is has turned into a fine powder to surround the very air, sorry spectrum, around us like an invisible mist.

∙ The Congress is now planning a DND against the Opposition, Civil Society and Common Citizen till 2014.

∙ An astrologer told Manmohan in 2009 that his Rajyog would continue till 2014.
On rechecking the note in 2011, it actually said ‘Raja’yog.

∙ 2G ghotala Rule No. 23…
Chidambaram’s Bureau of Investigation cannot investigate Chidambaram.
How dare you ask?

∙ The Government has realized the error of Rs 32 per day as a poverty line.
The new amount is Rs 4.20.
That way poverty will be eradicated from India forever.
Ho gaya Bharat Nirman!
Jao sab ameer log ghar jaake so jao!

∙ The cash for votes scam story till now…
Accept bribe. Go to jail.
Arrange bribe. Go to jail.
Expose bribe. Go to jail.
Give bribe… em… nobody gave the bribe!

∙ Will the Judicial Accountability Bill cover reality show judges?
Most of them are horrendous and have no judging talent whatsoever.

∙ Flash: India has just been declared a Developed Country.
That’s thanks to the Rs 33 per day “rich” quota and Paris Hilton’s generosity.
In fact we are doing so well that New Delhi will be renamed New Paris.

∙ Mausam review…
Serendipity meets Ayodhya and drags on till Godhra…

Jab tak Sooraj Chand rahega,
Dev Anand ka flop film rahega…
(I think he has had just one superhit after I was born).

The Government is dead.
Please observe 2-minute silence.
As for Manmohan, he’s observing a 2-year silence.

∙ In India, a human life is worth less that Rs 27.
With Rs 33 however, it becomes rich.
The mathematics never adds up in real life.

(September 27)

∙ To aakhir PC ko bhi Corruption Virus lag hi gaya.
Sonia bimaar. Rahul Baba pareshan. Aadhi Janta Tihar main.
Sirf MMS hi immune lag raha hai…

(September 26)

∙ Even after retirement, Shoaib Akhtar has the ability to chuck, land no balls and beamers!
Enough Free Hits for his critics and detractors.
Controversially Yours = Predictably Yours.

(September 24)

∙ The Metro Monsoon song…
Shanghai-Singapore nahin,
to Venice hi sahin,
Ye hai Delhi-Mumbai ji,
Kyunki baarish hui hain abhi abhi…

∙ A Time of Healing is on the horizon in Indian cricket.
Soon fatigue will be forgotten and small injuries brushed under the carpet.
This Time of Healing is also known as the Champions League.

(September 17)

∙ The way Federer was continously Nadalized in the past, Nadal is totally Novaked out these days!

(September 13)

∙ Old Saying: Delhi door hai.
New Saying: Sachin ka sauwa shatak door hai.

∙ The UPA Government has also done a great deal of good.
It’s just a Kabhi Schemes Kabhi Scams type of Government.

∙ We are all perennial teachers.
We are all perennial students.
Happy Teacher’s Day, to everyone, from everyone!

∙ Dear Anna Hazare,
Happy Teacher’s Day,
Warm regards,
The BJP.
(P.S. You sure did teach the Congress a good lesson!)

(September 5)

© Sunil Rajguru