∙ T20% of revenues coming in only nowadays.

∙ ODI = One Day India (were champions, but not today).

∙ Dhoni is the new Nehru-Gandhi dynasty type icon: There is no alternative.

∙ BCCI theme song…
Mujhe teri sponsorship ka Sahara mil gaya hota, agar toofan nahi aata…

∙ Meanwhile the UPA is also going in for a BCCI type board of its own…
Board of Control of Corruption in India.
When pointed out that this misses out Swiss Bank accounts, then the name ICC was suggested…
International Corruption Council.

© Sunil Rajguru

MS Dhoni: I think I’ll finally quit captaincy. Nothing is better than going out on a high!

Brett Lee: We are stunned! We never thought the Indians could actually win anything abroad! Nothing beats the Poms: They didn’t concede a single defeat last year.

Mickey Arthur: We were planning to rest before every ODI match with India in the upcoming triangular series, but I think we will now have to revise our strategy.

Virender Sehwag: The six I hit in my innings is the most significant one in my life and could well prove to be a major turning point in my career.

Gautam Gambhir: This is my third fifty that has revived Indian cricket. The first was in the 2007 T20 WC final. The second was in the 2011 ODI WC final.

Virat Kohli: The run out in my over was the turning point of the match. I think I’ll become a full-time all-rounder. Also, in the last series we won at Perth because of monkeygate. This time it’s because of fingergate.

Rajeev Shukla: The energetic fielding won us the match. The last time I saw so much energy in the team was when they went go karting. I recommend many more such sessions!

Duncan Fletcher: I was planning to retire, but I think this win may just have saved me.

Suresh Raina: When I retire, I’m going to settle down in Melbourne.

Rahul Sharma: I couldn’t believe we had won. I had to pinch myself. And I didn’t even have to bat!

Rohit Sharma: India now have a win for every ball I have faced on this tour.

Praveen Kumar: I would like to dedicate this victory to Sachin Tendulkar.

Sachin Tendulkar: I wish I was there, but there’s little scope to score a century in international T20s, so what’s the point?

Ravi Shastri: Every ball went like a bullet from the bat of the Indians!

Sunil Gavaskar: Whenever Dhoni comes down the order, India wins easily. Maybe that’s the way forward in Tests too.

K Srikkanth: Arre bhaiyya Aal Izz Well!

Statistician: Actually it’s nothing. The law of averages finally caught up with the Indian team!

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

∙ History first repeats itself as a tragedy (England tour) and then as a farce (Australia tour).

∙ Happy Republic Day!
However, no Independence Day from the farce of Indian batting on foreign pitches.

∙ Theme song of the Indian batting is Hum Saath Saath Hai…
They hit form together and collapse together.

© Sunil Rajguru

Please sing to the tune of I love my India from the movie Pardes…

London dekha, Melbourne dekha,
London dekha, Melbourne dekha,
Aur dekha Birmingham,
Oval dekha, Sydney dekha,
Sab dekha meri jaan,
Saare jag main kahin nahin hai doosra Pitch-e-Hindustan,
Doosra Pitch-e-Hindustan,
Doosra Pitch-e-Hindustan.

Ye mera Team India,
I love my pitches of India,
Ye mera Team India,
I love my pitches of India.

(Original song: I love my India.
Film: Pardes.
Year: 1997.)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

∙ The BCCI logic: Rohit Sharma is such a waste player! Forget scoring runs, he couldn’t even play a Test match! Drop him next time!

∙ After the 0-4 debacle in England the only person to be sacked was Harsha Bhogle from the anchor’s chair.
Who will they sack after 0-4 in Australia?

∙ Law of diminishing returns…
Test No. 1 ranking: Gone in 600 days.
Indian innings: Gone in 60 overs.
Opening partnership: Gone in 60 balls.
Indian Batsman: Gone in 60 seconds.

∙ Overheard…
Speaker: Can you deny the genocide the English committed on us?
Listener: No!
Speaker: Can you deny the genocide the Australians committed on us?
Listener: Eh??? Aussies in our freedom struggle?
Second Listener: He’s actually talking about cricket…

∙ If Cricket is our Religion, then the Australian tour is Blasphemy.

© Sunil Rajguru

Please sing to the tune of Hum honge kamyab…

Hum draw karenge Test match,
Hum draw karenge Test match,
Hum draw karenge Test match ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai Vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Hum draw karenge Test match ek din.

Chalega match paancho din,
Chalega match paancho din,
Chalega match paancho din ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Chalega match paancho din ek din.

Hamare wickets nahin girenge saath saath,
Hamare wickets nahin girenge saath saath,
Hamare wickets nahin girenge saath saath ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Hamare wicket nahin girenge saath saath.

Nahi darr kisi foreign pitch ka,
Nahi bhay kisi pace bowler ka
Nahi darr na bhay ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Nahi darr na bhay ek din.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

It was the best of teams,
it was the worst of teams,
it was the age of greatness,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief in Team India,
it was the epoch of incredulity at its decline,
it was the season of World Cup Light,
it was the season of Overseas Test Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair in the very same year,
we had everything before us,
we had nothing before us…

(With due apologies to the opening of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, 1859)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

One wife said to another, my husband is so strange!
On Monday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he couldn’t stop praising how delicious it was.
On Tuesday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he said it was good.
On Wednesday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he smiled but said nothing.
On Thursday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he ate it quietly.
On Friday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he glared at me non-stop.
On Saturday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he stormed off without eating it.
On Sunday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he actually threw it at my face!

One BCCI selector said to another, these Indian fans are so strange!
When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of Australia in 2003-04, the fans called them the greatest!
When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of England in 2007, the fans said very good.
When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of Australia in 2007-08, some fans started grumbling.
When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of England in 2011, the fans started screaming and shouting!
When we played the Big 3 in the home tour of 2011, the fans actually started asking why we were playing them.
When we are persisting with the Big 3 in the tour of Australia in 2011-12, the fans actually want all 3 to be sacked!!!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

∙ One Indian player to another: OK, now Indian Test cricket is in serious trouble.
Our ad endorsement rates are falling!

∙ Umpire: This is your last warning if you don’t go faster, then you could face a one-match ban.
Captain (to himself): Good idea to get out of this dratted losing streak. As it is the board will never give me rest.
(To his bowlers): OK guys, forget the over rate, wickets are important!

∙ Indian Board official: Right, we are here to discuss Indian Test cricket’s biggest crisis in decades. Matches are getting over in just 3-4 days! We are losing so much revenue in terms of telecast days!

© Sunil Rajguru

Ek wicket se bhale do wicket, do se bhale teen (Count till 10),
India ke openers ko, is team ke bowlers ko,
Koi hope nahin hai… no… no… no…
Kaise baat matlab ki samajhaau deewaano ko,
Sapan salone le ke aayi hai ye raat saloni,
Ek jagah jab jama ho saare gyaarah members Indian team ke…

(Original song: Anhoni ko honi kar de.
Film: Amar Akbar Anthony.
Year: 1977)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru