Madam Supremo,

I am humbly suggesting my humble suggestion at making our party more eco-friendly. India has thousands of leaders who attend thousands of rallies in a day and are felicitated with garlands of hundreds of flowers per garland. That is millions of flowers per day and billions in a year! To think Madam Supremo, billions of flowers are plucked by selfish human hands only to go into the dustbin! This is the criminal waste! Tonnes of floral waste are also released into the environment every year.

We need a solution for this. Recycling is the mantra of the environmental world. There should be no waste, only recycling. What is the ultimate recycle of the modern world? Money! The same note comes out of the mint, goes into the bank and exchanges hands between poor people, rich people, businessmen, politicians… We can inaugurate new notes as garlands after which they will be disbanded and released into the party and further into the nation. Let us call them “Note Garlands” and implement them with immediate effect. They are eco-friendly and will help save the environment!

We can authorize garlands according to denomination and rank accordingly:

Rs 1000 notes: For Madam Supremo only.
Rs 500 notes: For senior party functionaries.
Rs 100 notes: For district level heads.
Rs 50, 20, 10, 5 notes: Free for all.
Re 1 and Rs 2 notes: Classic old notes. In short supply. For Madam Supremo on special occasions only.

To think of the enormous free publicity we will get on 24 hour news channels! There will be no need to print pamphlets for party propaganda, a further saving for the environment!

We encourage other professions to follow suit:
Journalists can felicitate Editors with garlands of yesterday’s newspapers.
Star Hotels can felicitate VVIPs with garlands of used paper napkins.
Students can felicitate teachers with garlands of used notebooks and of textbooks.
Municipalities can felicitate leaders with garlands of fallen leaves.
And so on and so forth.

We have only one planet.
Let us save it.
Jai Hind!
Jai Madam!

Yours Sincerely,
Co-ordinator
Party Felicitation Committee

© Sunil Rajguru

Even after the renaming of Bombay as Mumbai, some groups are not at all happy…

The Mumbai Rename Everything Committee (MREC) is upset with the continuous use of Bollywood and has urged the film fraternity, journalists and writers to use Mollywood with immediate effect. Mira Nair, Mani Ratnam, Kaizad Gustad and Andrew Lloyd Webber have been petitioned to re-register their works of art as Salaam Mumbai!, Mumbai, Mumbai Boys and Mumbai Dreams respectively.

Show causes have also been issued to the Malayalam Film Industry and the Mormon Film Industry (in the US) that they cannot use the term Mollywood, which will refer exclusively to the film industry of Mumbai henceforth. Stunned American journalist Molly Wood was also issued a threat asking her to change her name.

The Walt Disney Company wasn’t spared either. They have been asked to rename of their fictional character Gordon Bombay as Gordon Mumbai. As we can see, the MREC media arm has been very busy. It has written to the producers of popular American serial Bewitched! to change the name of one of their characters from Dr Bombay to Dr Mumbai. The international division of MREC is also alarmed to learn that a town in Franklin County, New York is still being referred to as Bombay. Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports say that the Auckland administration in New Zealand will change the name of Bombay Hills to Mumbai Hills.

Various air forces of the world were mystified to receive emails saying that the area of their bomber aircrafts where bombs are kept should be named mumb bay (as against the current bomb bay). A retired US colonel on condition of anonymity revealed that in that case they would have to petition the Oxford Dictionary to change the name of bombs to mumbs.

In international news, certain black Bombay cats in Liverpool had the words Mumbai written on them in white paint.  In business news, Bombay Dyeing has called an emergency meeting to think of a new name for the company.

Police have intercepted a mysterious list titled “Kaheech rahanar nahin” (nothing will remain) with the following seemingly unrelated terms: Bombay duck (type of fish dish), Bombay mix (a snack), Bombay Sapphire (a type of gin), Bombay Before the British (a research project in Portugal), Bristol Bombay (type of aircraft), Bombay blood group (a rare blood group) and HMS Bombay (a Royal Navy Ship).

Top secret reports also confirm that the radical division of the MREC has got hold of a Time Machine. They are planning to travel back in time and change the original names to Mumbai State and the Isle of Mumbai to avoid all this confusion in the first place.

© Sunil Rajguru

Facebook now has 350 million users. The milestones keep coming and coming. What next?

2010: Facebook crosses 500 million users.

2011: Facebook crosses 1 billion users.

2012: Facebook launches the Second computer and Internet Revolution. Since everyone wants to be on Facebook, everyone wants a desktop/laptop and broadband connection.

2013: The world, which was ready to get into another round of Recession, doesn’t do so thanks to the new IT and Telecom revolution.

2014: Global literacy rates go up as everyone wants to read people’s profiles on Facebook. The phenomenon of stalking vanishes as all the weirdoes start following Facebook accounts.

2015: America issues the Facebook Identity Card, which replaces all other forms of identification.

2016: India undergoes Transformation and as all the Indian politicians jump on to the Facebook bandwagon and try to get as many Friends and Fans as possible. A competition starts to get the maximum number of “Likes” after posting things like: Just laid 20 roads. Just completed the Metro Project. Just electrified 100 villages, etc.

2017: 90% of the world is now on Facebook. The remaining 10% are declared as “Dangerous to Civilization as We Know It” and are hunted down.

2018: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg gets the Nobel Prize for Peace amidst the Facebook Witch Hunt Controversy. Facebook gets the Nobel Prize for Literature.

2019: SETI receives $100 billion funding. Humans are tiring of each other and are desperate to have aliens join Facebook.

2020: The US Presidential Elections is fought solely on Facebook. As expected, Mark Zuckerberg emerges victorious.

2021: Bharat Ratna Shashi Tharoor, the pioneer of political social networking in India, sworn in as Prime Minister.

2022: The Last Wave of Facebook Resistance is crushed. Now the whole world is Facebooked.

2023: Governments and constitutions collapse as local leaders rely solely on Facebook to make their decisions.

2024: The Facebooker Prize displaces the Nobel Prize as the most important global award.

2024: The Facebook Zeitgeist is formed. All one does is feed in one’s preferences, likes, dislikes and ideas for the world, country and city. The Zeitgeist automatically computes and calculates what the world and everyone has to do. No need for committees and bodies of any kind.

2025: Facebook Zeitgeist attains Godlike status.

2026: The Dislike button is finally introduced after years of campaigning and leads to an all-out war on Facebook.

2027: The last remaining survivors of the Facebook Resistance unleash the deadly Facebook Doomsday virus.

2028: While the Doomsday Virus initially gets 10 billion Dislikes on Facebook, nobody is able to do anything about it and eventually the whole Facebook System shuts down.

2029: With the end of Facebook, mankind is left clueless. The subsequent anarchy leads to the end the existing civilization.

3013: An archaeological find unveils lost data disks pertaining to Facebook. Experts conclude that Facebook was once a planet that existed between Mars and Jupiter and got destroyed due to some mysterious reason.

4014: Thanks to SETI’s success at transmitting the Facebook code throughout the universe, many intelligent worlds are now on to Facebook. The Facebook saga keeps rolling on, as the Grand Purpose of Facebook was not to destroy civilization on Earth, but the universe itself…

© Sunil Rajguru

…India would have a Presidential form of government. No instability, coalitions and partners fighting with their demands. Same at the state level with their powerful Governors.

…we would have been called the USI or United States of India.

…our national game would have been baseball… Think how much time we would have saved not playing all those 5-day matches along with the loss of productivity of the whole nation following them.

…we would have started IT services in the seventies, software development in the 80s and by now we would have overtaken Silicon Valley. Microsoft India would be bigger than Microsoft US and Bill Gates would have become an honorary Indian citizen.

…we would been a Capitalistic Democratic Republic and in the throes of a Great Depression along with the US, our GDP would have seen negative growth.

…the Left parties wouldn’t have existed.

… the PIO (Person of Indian Origin) would be the biggest minority group in the US and a PIO would have become Prez long before Obama.

…the Rajya Sabha would be called the Indian Senate and be actually powerful and relevant.

…we would have been a nation of coffee drinkers. Since coffee is a bigger stimulant than tea, would we all have been more alert and productive?

…Britain would have been just another island for us.

…we would all have been driving to the right.

…it would have been Maruti Ford and it would have come maybe a decade earlier.

…since India would have been an ally of the US, Pak and Russia would have joined hands.

…US would force China and India to have strong ties and signed a UCIFTA (US China India Free Trade Agreement).

…we would be more worried about Taiwan than Tibet.

…The Khidki Operating System would have been developed in Bangalore and be a best seller in the country.

…Shashi Tharoor would have been the UN Secretary General now and India would have got a permanent seat in the Security Council.

…New Delhi would have been struggling to host the 2012 Olympics right now and not the 2010 Commonwealth Games.

…there would be no cricket in India! Can you even begin to comprehend that!

…Slumdog Millionaire would have been directed by Steven Spielberg and be full of Indian Americans and special effects.

…Green and Gay would have been both very in.

…our parents’ generation would have all participated in a Woodstock-type festival.

…Obama would have tripled aid to India in his latest bill.

…George W Bush would have got the Bharat Ratna this year.

…we would have had two time zones.

…there would be no babugiri and sahab syndromes and peons and we would all be doing all our work by ourselves.

© Sunil Rajguru

Restart Button
I’ve made a mess of my life. Just press Restart and start all over gain. This project is a mess. Press Restart and we’ll begin from scratch. What if we could Restart college life, marriage, you name it…

Human Body Version 1.1, 2.0…
A human becomes an adult say at the age of 18 and that’s version 1.0. And hey man it deteriorates after that! The body, the energy levels, everything! It’s like going from Version 1.0 to 0.9 to 0.8… to 0.0 (death). Maybe when we become cyborgs, we will have a Version 1.1 or Version 2.0.

Search
Here’s something I wanted to show you in this book… I can’t find it. Where are my keys? Where’s my mobile charger? Can’t every thing in the house have a tiny tag that beeps when you key in its name to some device? What about offline searches for friends, events, restaurants…

Status Message
I want to have a Facebook style status message hanging over my head all the time like… “I’m angry”, “I’m hungry”, “I’m sleepy”, “Do not disturb”, “Need help”… That would save a lot of explaining. People would come straight to the point.

Undo
If not a full restart that will change everything, then at least a simple undo for the last stupid thing I’ve done?

Antivirus and anti-spam
An antivirus and anti-spam against all the people who bug me and bad events that are coming my way.

© Sunil Rajguru

· The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and couldn’t blow down the brick house. But the wolf had swine flu and transmitted it to the three Little Pigs, who all succumbed to the disease. The wolf had medical insurance, so he lived to trouble more swine…

· Little Red Riding Hood got suspicious. “Ummm Grandma, did I tell you the doctor diagnosed me with swine flu!” Even before she completed the word “flu”, the wolf had run away. Some very quick thinking saved Little Red Riding Hood…

· He kissed Sleeping Beauty and she was awoken from her trance. But on their way home both of them fell ill and died. The Prince in his travels far and wide had contracted swine flu. He gave it to Sleeping Beauty during the kiss and they both succumbed to the illness. And that was true love, for true love is death. Today a Swine Flu Sleeping Beauty Memorial lies at that very spot…

· This time Alice just couldn’t go through the Looking Glass. She kept banging against it. Bruised and black she tried one last time when the Looking Glass started beeping. “Swine Flu Alert. Swine Flu Alert!” This was very powerful magic indeed and Alice rushed to the doctor…

· “I’ve got Swine Flu!” cried the boy and chased everyone away. He fooled everyone the second and third time too. Then when the doctor actually diagnosed him with swine flu, nobody believed him. One boy snatched his facemask and everyone else surrounded him and started making fun of him. The whole village caught swine flu from the boy and died of it…

· When Rip Van Winkle got up, he found that there was a major global alert for swine flu. So he decided to sleep for another 20 years…

· When the princess was about to kiss him, she sneezed. The frog jumped from her hand into the pond. Better to be an alive frog than a dead prince!

· “Who’s been sneezing in my porridge,” cried Little Bear. At this Mamma Bear and Papa Bear rushed to wear their stock of facemasks. Then they searched the house and found Goldilocks and promptly threw her out, proceeding to sanitize the house after that…

· Sneezy was banished from the house and they were called Snow White and the Six Dwarves henceforth…

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

1. She would build a 58-foot monolithic statue of herself at the centre of Lucknow, relegating the 57-foot Bahubali statue in Shravanabelagola (the current world record holder) to second spot.

2. The Taj Mahal would become the official residence of the Prime Minister of India and Agra would be the national capital.

3. Amar Singh would be secretly tossed into the Indian Ocean without a life jacket.

4. Connaught Place would be turned into a huge Ambedkar Park. This would include the inner Connaught Circus and radial roads. All roads like Kasturba Road, Sansad Marg etc would become dead ends, with a statue of Mayawati signifying that the road has indeed come to an end.

5. A record 1.5 million government officials would be transferred all over the country within a week of her coming to power.

6. Her income tax would go up from Rs 26 crores to Rs 26,000 crores, which would be bandied as an achievement. The amount would be touted as her “donation” to the Central Government.

7. Along with Income Tax, we would have to pay a Mayawati Birthday Tax Surcharge. Habitual evaders of this surcharge would be shot dead in the long run.

8. She would file 1000 cases each against Mulayam, Rahul, Narendra Modi and maybe a 1000 other people.

9. Shoes would be banned at her rallies citing security issues. One rupee would be charged for their safekeeping. The money would go to the Mayawati Income Tax Donation Fund, which would now become Rs 27,000 crore.

10. Mahatma Gandhi would be stripped of his Father of the Nation status. That title would now go to Kanshi Ram.

11. Sanjay Dutt would get a pardon in his Arms case and be given a 20-year-jail term instead for his “Jadu ki jhappi” statement towards her.

12. The Laws of Manu would be banned. The Laws of Maya would be promulgated. India would make its transition from the Manuvadi to the Mayavadi era.

13. Uttar Pradesh would be renamed as Gautam Buddha Nagar, Lucknow as Kanshirampur. Agra would be quickly renamed Mayanagri.

14. The national motto of India would change from Satyamev Jayate to Sab Maya Hain!

15. Sonia, Mamata and Jaya would be exiled. Ek desh main sirf ek Loha Mahila raha sakti hain!

Maya Ho!

© Sunil Rajguru