Sunil.Rajguru's World » What if…

6 possible solutions to the Army Chief’s date of birth controversy…

Sunil Rajguru — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 16:46:52 +0000

The Army Chief and the government are in dispute over whether the General’s official date of birth is May 10, 1950 or May 10, 1951.

Some possible solutions…

1. The General be promoted to Field Marshall, thereby solving the problem of retirement and succession.

2. The two agree that the date of birth touch the half-way mark and be fixed at November 10, 1950. A perfect compromise!

3. The government work on a time machine. Even if the contraption is built after hundreds of years, it can first visit 1950 and 1951 to ascertain the truth, then come back to 2012 to pass on the information and go back to the future from where it came from.

4. The retirement ages of everyone in the Army be pushed ahead by a year. When the General retires in 2013, then the Chief’s retirement age can be pushed ahead by 1 year too. As it is the average retirement age in Europe has crossed 65 and we are way behind on that count.

5. Parliament passes a Constitutional Amendment saying that handwritten applications take precedence over matriculation certificates.

6. The UPA government resigns and calls for Lok Sabha elections. This is the last straw in their beleaguered plate.

These versions (With due respect to the respected armed forces) By Sunil Rajguru

Reactions to India’s freak T20 victory…

Sunil Rajguru — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:49:25 +0000

(Team India wins an international cricket match on foreign soil after more than 7 months. After failing to register a single victory in 17 international matches (Test+ODI+T20) we finally win at Melbourne.)

MS Dhoni: I think I’ll finally quit captaincy. Nothing is better than going out on a high!

Brett Lee: We are stunned! We never thought the Indians could actually win anything abroad! Nothing beats the Poms: They didn’t concede a single defeat last year.

Mickey Arthur: We were planning to rest before every ODI match with India in the upcoming triangular series, but I think we will now have to revise our strategy.

Virender Sehwag: The six I hit in my innings is the most significant one in my life and could well prove to be a major turning point in my career.

Gautam Gambhir: This is my third fifty that has revived Indian cricket. The first was in the 2007 T20 WC final. The second was in the 2011 ODI WC final.

Virat Kohli: The run out in my over was the turning point of the match. I think I’ll become a full-time all-rounder. Also, in the last series we won at Perth because of monkeygate. This time it’s because of fingergate.

Rajeev Shukla: The energetic fielding won us the match. The last time I saw so much energy in the team was when they went go karting. I recommend many more such sessions!

Duncan Fletcher: I was planning to retire, but I think this win may just have saved me.

Suresh Raina: When I retire, I’m going to settle down in Melbourne.

Rahul Sharma: I couldn’t believe we had won. I had to pinch myself. And I didn’t even have to bat!

Rohit Sharma: India now have a win for every ball I have faced on this tour.

Praveen Kumar: I would like to dedicate this victory to Sachin Tendulkar.

Sachin Tendulkar: I wish I was there, but there’s little scope to score a century in international T20s, so what’s the point?

Ravi Shastri: Every ball went like a bullet from the bat of the Indians!

Sunil Gavaskar: Whenever Dhoni comes down the order, India wins easily. Maybe that’s the way forward in Tests too.

K Srikkanth: Arre bhaiyya Aal Izz Well!

Statistician: Actually it’s nothing. The law of averages finally caught up with the Indian team!

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Tryst with Tomfoolery

Sunil Rajguru — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 09:52:26 +0000

Many years ago, India’s first Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru gave a brilliant speech called Tryst with Destiny.

With due apologies to the great man, here is a spoofed up and highly abridged version of that speech to describe the sordid events of the Rajya Sabha not passing the Lokpal Bill, which has been hanging fire for more than four decades…

(Maybe Rahul Gandhi could read it!)

Long years ago we made a tryst with tomfoolery, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the Lok Sabha sleeps, the Rajya Sabha will awake to strife and tomfoolery…

At the dawn of 1968, India started on her unending Lokpal quest, and trackless decades are filled with her striving and grandeur of her failures. We end today a period of misfortunes and India trashes the Lokpal yet again…

On this day our first thoughts go to the architect of this freedom, the New Father of our Nation, Anna Hazare, who, embodying the old spirit of India, held aloft the torch of the Lokpal and lighted up the darkness that surrounded us. We have often been unworthy followers of his and have strayed from his message…

The future beckons to us. Whither do we go and what shall be our endeavour? To bring more tomfoolery to the common man, to the peasants and workers of India…

(This spoof by Sunil Rajguru)

Measuring the United Progression of Audio (UPA)

Sunil Rajguru — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 08:59:05 +0000

So much noise pollution is taking place thanks to that irrepressible group of people that call themselves the Congress spokespersons, that a brand new science called the United Progression of Audio (UPA) is being studied.

The scales…

Decibel (dB) = Unit of sound.

130dB = Threshold of pain.

194dB = Theoretical limit for undistorted sound.

Beyond that is the severely distorted UPA universe.

200db = 1 Sibal

10 Sibals (1 DeSibal) = 1 Singhvi.

10 Singhvis = 1 Renuka.

10 Renukas = 1 Aiyar.

10 Aiyars = 1 Tiwari.

10 Tiwaris = 1 Narayanaswamy.

10 Narayanaswamys = 1 DiggyRaja.

It is very difficult to go above the DiggyRaja Scale, for not only does the sound go for a toss at that level, but the very reality becomes distorted. TV waves have proved to be a perfect medium for carrying that type of reality distorted sound.

Some UPA statistics…

∙ On the day when all these spokespersons speak in unison, the resulting supersonic boom travels all around the world seven times. It has been known to disturb the flight paths of many poor unsuspecting migrating birds.

∙ In 2011, the noise pollution levels in the country rose by 32,237%.

∙ Many common citizens have complained of severe hearing problems thanks to all these high levels of distorted sound.

∙ Others have also complained of severe eye problems as they simply can’t believe the reality that they are seeing. (At the DiggyRaja scale, hallucinations have been known to occur).

∙ Psychiatrists have noted a rise in trauma thanks to people watching too much TV news channels.

∙ In its annual survey, The Global Politeness Institution has ranked India the fourth rudest country in the world at the end of 2011 as against its position of 154 at the end of 2010.

UPA2 preparing for UPA3…

Sunil Rajguru — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:00:57 +0000

Many successful schemes in UPA1 led to the reality that is UPA2.

Now UPA2 is going all out to ensure there will be a UPA3.

Some of the schemes on the anvil…

NREGA2: After the Mahatma Gandhi NREGA, now we will soon have the Rahul Gandhi NREGA or Net Regulation Employment Guarantee Act where millions of unemployed urban youth will be hired to pre-screen millions of Facebook, Twitter and Orkut accounts along with tens of thousands of prominent websites and blog.

RTI2: The RTI Act Part 2 will cover the politicians’ Right to Information related to our online accounts, logins, passwords, identities etc. Now the Internet companies will simply have to provide whatever Information that the politicians feel they have a Right to.

New States Re-organisation Bill: The UPA will come out with a bill to divide India into 50 states to pre-empt moves like Telangana, Vidarbha and the splitting UP. It will also go well with the party’s “Divide and Rule” policy.

4G: To bring in much-needed extra revenue for the government’s coffers. A Raja is likely to make a spectacular comeback.

Cyber Communal Violence Bill: The Communal Violence Bill will be modified for cyberspace and instead of State governments, the Centre will be able to dismiss Internet companies that don’t co-operate with it.

Why India is not developed…

Sunil Rajguru — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 04:13:26 +0000

Rahul Gandhi: Bihar is not developed because NDA is not focusing on the poor.
Rahul Again: Orissa is not developed because though it is rich, the people are poor.
Rahul Yet Again: Punjab is not developed because Central funds don’t reach the poor thanks to the State government.
And Rahul Yet Again: UP is not developed because of people like Mayawati.
Who Else but Rahul: India will not develop till UP is developed.

First Voter: What do you think?
Second Voter: I think Rahul is not developed!

PJ of the day…

Yesterday’s slogan if you didn’t have enough money to do something…
Majboori ka naam Mahatma Gandhi

Today’s Congress slogan if you don’t have any more ideas to revive your party…
Majboori ka naam Rahul Gandhi

Random musings of the day…

Sunil Rajguru — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 02:55:54 +0000

United States of India
Uttar Pradesh to be carved into four states for better governance and more prosperity.
At this rate we will be at par with America.
I mean we will also have 50 states just like them.

A Tale of Two Dynasties

Sheikh Abdullah in 1953: Don’t worry, the next generation and my children will sort out the Kashmir issue.
Jawaharlal Nehru in 1966: Don’t worry, the next generation and my children will sort out the Kashmir issue.
Rajiv Gandhi to Farooq Abdullah in 1986: Don’t worry, the next generation and our children will sort out the Kashmir issue.

Question to Omar Abdullah: Why are you not solving the Kashmir issue with urgency?
Answer: I am waiting for Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister and he will tell me: Don’t worry, the next generation and our children will sort out the Kashmir issue.

Question: When will the Kashmir issue be sorted out?
Answer: Tomorrow, definitely!

More Poriborton
The future of West Bengal is pretty bright.
2011: Poriborton! Kick out the Left!
2016: More Poriborton! Kick out Mamata!

Today’s random musings…

Sunil Rajguru — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:51:10 +0000

Look up and look down…
Vijay Mallya (Looking up): Can someone please bail me out?
Manmohan Singh (Looking up): Can someone please bail my government out?
Barack Obama (Looking up): Can someone please bail my country out?
God (Looking down): Can someone please bail me out of handling these humans?

The Modern Day Descartes
The Economy: I sink therefore I am.
Anna Hazare: I drink therefore I… Bam!
Indian Politician: I hoodwink therefore I am.
Social Media Enthusiast: I hyperlink therefore I am.

Differences in perspective
Rahul Gandhi on his “Join the poor” road show to a chaiwallah: Ek “By two” chai dena!
Mayawati to the Centre: Ek “By four” State dena!

The Law of Diminishing Returns
Rahul to Maya: Main tere tukde tukde kar doonga…
Maya to UP: Main tere tukde tukde kar doongi…
Rahul: Kya mujhe sirf ek tukda mil sakta hai?

Democracy versus Mobocracy
How many people does it take to elect a government in Egypt?
—30-40 million in a nationwide ballot.
How many people does it take to topple a government in Egypt?
—1 million at Tahrir Square!

Abbreviated governance…
BJP: 2G!
UPA: JPC!
BJP: CAG!
UPA: PAC!
BJP: PC!
UPA: CBI!

Spot the difference…
What’s the difference between Rahul Gandhi and LK Advani?
—Both want to be prime minister and are perpetually touring the country to achieve their ends, the only difference is that Rahul is Rathless.

Downright abysmal PJ of the day…
India without Kashmir will be like a headless chicken going Pak Pak Pak Pak PoK PoK PoK PoK…

Jab Yuvraj Uttar Pradesh ko bachane chale the…

Sunil Rajguru — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 11:38:31 +0000

Yuvraj: Ab main Uttar Pradesh ke baare main baat karunga…

(Par kuch log use bolne hi nahin dete…)

Pahala Prashna: UP se pahala Pradhan Mantri kaun bana tha?

Yuvraj: Errr… mere pardada…

Doosra Prashna: Aur aapki dadi kahan se chun ke aayi thi?

Yuvraj: Errr… UP…

Teesra Prashna: 1984 main kaunsa Pradhan Mantri Uttar Pradesh se chun ke aaye the aur saare Lok Sabha ke seats le gaye the?

Yuvraj: Errr… mere papa…

Chautha Prashna: Aap aur Sonia kahan se chunav jeet ke aaye hain?

Yuvraj: Errr… UP… par woh sab chhodiye, mujhe ye rajya sirf dus saal ke liye deejiye…

Paanchva Prashna: Congress ne UP main kitne saal raj kiya?

Yuvraj: Errr… lagbhag paitees saal… par woh sab chhodiye… Mayawati galat hain…

Chhatha Prashna: To sahi kya hain? Aapka vision kya hain? Strategy kya hai?

Yuvraj: Errr… koi vision nahin, koi strategy bhi nahin aur sahi kya hai main nahin jaanta, main sirf itna jaanta hu ki aap please please bheek mat mangiye doosre rajya ja ke!

Saatva Prashna: To kya isi rajya main bheek maange?

Yuvraj: Errr… errr… errr…

(Aur kuch log hasne lagte hain…)

Diggy Raja: Khaamosh! Haso mat! Ek din ye Pradhan Mantri ban-ne hi waale hain, tab hum sab hasenge aur aap sab roenge! Ha ha ha ha…

Moral of the story: He who laughs last, laughs the longest…

Divide, rule and enjoy!

Sunil Rajguru — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 02:54:29 +0000

Advisor: Madam, aapke chaar problems hai: Bhrashtachar, anti-incumbency, image aur development.
Madam: Rajya ke chaar tukde kar do!

Diggy Raja: Yuvraj, woh aapka stepping stone hai pradhan mantri ke pad ke liye.
Yuvraj: Mummy! Woh mere stepping stone ke chaar tukde kar rahi hai!

Mulayam: Ek tukda Maya ke paas. Ek Ajit le jaayega. Ek shaayad Congress ya BJP le jaayega. Phir bhi mere liye ek tukda bachta hai. Waise, idea bura nahin hai!

Amar Singh: Actually, mera network bhi bad jaayega!

At Rashtrapati Bhawan: Three more Governors to lord over!

Government contractors: More assemblies! More offices! More quarters! More orders! More development…

The ghost of Mountbatten: Hmmm… the United Provinces is finally getting Divided…