∙ Houdini made things vanish.
Goebbels mastered propaganda.
Sibal used propaganda to make the Rs 1.76 lakh crore vanish.

∙ BJP created a telecom policy.
Raja created a telecom scam.
Since the term “telecom scam” begins with telecom, it all started with the BJP.

∙ Lessons for corporate India…
Manager created mega scam.
CEO sacked manager.
CEO is 100% clean by virtue of the “Manmohan Principle”.

∙ The corrupt politician’s slogans…
Tum mujhe ghoos do, main tumhe license doonga.
Black money is my birthright and I shall have it.
The common man’s counter-slogans…
One de Maar-tamacha.
Inquilab Jootabad.

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ T20% of revenues coming in only nowadays.

∙ ODI = One Day India (were champions, but not today).

∙ Dhoni is the new Nehru-Gandhi dynasty type icon: There is no alternative.

∙ BCCI theme song…
Mujhe teri sponsorship ka Sahara mil gaya hota, agar toofan nahi aata…

∙ Meanwhile the UPA is also going in for a BCCI type board of its own…
Board of Control of Corruption in India.
When pointed out that this misses out Swiss Bank accounts, then the name ICC was suggested…
International Corruption Council.

© Sunil Rajguru

Some possible solutions…

1. The General be promoted to Field Marshall, thereby solving the problem of retirement and succession.

2. The two agree that the date of birth touch the half-way mark and be fixed at November 10, 1950. A perfect compromise!

3. The government work on a time machine. Even if the contraption is built after hundreds of years, it can first visit 1950 and 1951 to ascertain the truth, then come back to 2012 to pass on the information and go back to the future from where it came from.

4. The retirement ages of everyone in the Army be pushed ahead by a year. When the General retires in 2013, then the Chief’s retirement age can be pushed ahead by 1 year too. As it is the average retirement age in Europe has crossed 65 and we are way behind on that count.

5. Parliament passes a Constitutional Amendment saying that handwritten applications take precedence over matriculation certificates.

6. The UPA government resigns and calls for Lok Sabha elections. This is the last straw in their beleaguered plate.

These versions (With due respect to the respected armed forces) By Sunil Rajguru

MS Dhoni: I think I’ll finally quit captaincy. Nothing is better than going out on a high!

Brett Lee: We are stunned! We never thought the Indians could actually win anything abroad! Nothing beats the Poms: They didn’t concede a single defeat last year.

Mickey Arthur: We were planning to rest before every ODI match with India in the upcoming triangular series, but I think we will now have to revise our strategy.

Virender Sehwag: The six I hit in my innings is the most significant one in my life and could well prove to be a major turning point in my career.

Gautam Gambhir: This is my third fifty that has revived Indian cricket. The first was in the 2007 T20 WC final. The second was in the 2011 ODI WC final.

Virat Kohli: The run out in my over was the turning point of the match. I think I’ll become a full-time all-rounder. Also, in the last series we won at Perth because of monkeygate. This time it’s because of fingergate.

Rajeev Shukla: The energetic fielding won us the match. The last time I saw so much energy in the team was when they went go karting. I recommend many more such sessions!

Duncan Fletcher: I was planning to retire, but I think this win may just have saved me.

Suresh Raina: When I retire, I’m going to settle down in Melbourne.

Rahul Sharma: I couldn’t believe we had won. I had to pinch myself. And I didn’t even have to bat!

Rohit Sharma: India now have a win for every ball I have faced on this tour.

Praveen Kumar: I would like to dedicate this victory to Sachin Tendulkar.

Sachin Tendulkar: I wish I was there, but there’s little scope to score a century in international T20s, so what’s the point?

Ravi Shastri: Every ball went like a bullet from the bat of the Indians!

Sunil Gavaskar: Whenever Dhoni comes down the order, India wins easily. Maybe that’s the way forward in Tests too.

K Srikkanth: Arre bhaiyya Aal Izz Well!

Statistician: Actually it’s nothing. The law of averages finally caught up with the Indian team!

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

∙ Sometimes I think of Manmohan Singh as the Dhritrashtra of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro who must be saying in all his cabinet meetings, “Ye sab kya ho raha hai?”
One day he might as well say, “This is too much for me…” and storm off the stage…

∙ 9PM-11PM: Attack of the Clones!
Every politician/journo on every channel simultaneously.

∙ Today’s 2G scam TV debate coinage of the day:
Crony Capitalism Coalition Compulsions.

∙ 2G2G: Moving on to the Second Generation of 2G licenses.

∙ Telecom licenses have to be re-issued, policy has to be reworked…
If at first you don’t succeed TRAI TRAI TRAI again…
UPA looks like a TRAI-al and Error government…

∙ Zero Loss Theory is actually the Congress saying that they’ll have Zero Loss of Ministers no matter how many scams occur.

UPA = DOWNA.
∙ NDA = Now Dreaming (of power) Alliance.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Law 3: If a court pulls up a government policy, then the policy is at fault, not the government. Hate the crime, not the criminal.
For example, if the UPA Telecom policy is pulled up, then the UPA is not at fault.
Science: Logic again.

Law 4: Every cause has an effect.
For example, Effect: UPA 2G scam. Cause: BJP Telecom Policy.
Science: Philosophy.

Law 5: The Congress Party is the custodian of India. Any criticism is blasphemy.
For example, Even giants like Google and Facebook may be banned if they defy this law.
Science: Information Technology.

© Sunil Rajguru

Taslima Nasreen: My book launch got cancelled.

Telecom Operators: Our licenses got cancelled.

Mayawati: My statues got cancelled.

Cricket Fan: The Indian team stands cancelled.

General: My actual date of birth got cancelled.

Bhopal: Cancel the Olympic Dow sponsorship.

SRK: My slap stands cancelled.

Kapil Sibal: I will still cancel Facebook!

BJP: Cancel the 2009 Lok Sabha verdict!

Kodankulam: Cancel the nuclear plant this year!

© Sunil Rajguru

Old saying: Chaar sau beesi karta hai?
New saying: Ek sau baeesi karta hai?

∙ It’s clear that the UPA doesn’t believe in the concept of Collective Responsibility.
That simply means that they believe in Collective Irresponsibility.

∙ Comment: Subramaniam Swamy’s Court route is much better than Anna Hazare’s activism route.
Prashant Bhushan: Main dono kara raha hu phir bhi mujhe log peet-te hai!

∙ Subramanian Swamy=Aussie pacer.
UPA=Indian batting line-up.
SC=Fast and green pitch.

∙ LK Advani: Hame aur jeene ki chahat na hoti, agar tum na hote…
(Tum=Subramanian Swamy. Key=Lok Sabha polls possible in 2012)

∙ In the beginning of 1977, the Janata Party was the No. 1 Opposition party of India.
In the beginning of 2012, the Janata Party is still the No. 1 Opposition party of India.
(Key: Its party president is Subramanian Swamy)

∙ Right now a lot of Indian citizens want to go back and quash their 2009 Lok Sabha Voting Licenses to the UPA.

∙ Zero Loss Theory becomes Zero License Practicality.

∙ 2G, or not 2G, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer,
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Prime Ministership,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to resign, to leave…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

∙ Congspeak…
You can’t write to Manmohan.
You can’t speak against Rahul.
You can’t Facebook against Sonia.
P.S. Anna Hazare is a Fascist!

∙ The Great Tennis Trivalry…
Federer: The Greatest.
Nadal: Nemesis of the Greatest.
Djokovic: Even a Nemesis can have a Nemesis!

(January 31)

∙ What a government! Even Aadhar needs aadhar.

∙ What’s the time?
Rafa: 5.53.
Djoker: Dunno man, it’s stopped for me.
Fans: Time to watch shorter & less nerve-wracking Tests instead.
Federer: …up, I guess…

(January 30)

∙ Novak is the Serbian word for New.
Dear Federer-Nadal, you have been just been wished a Happy Novak Year!
Now French (is wide) Open and Wimbled(on) or (off) for Federer?

∙ His mother sure had a sense of humour.
Mulayam?
This man is as hard as nails and will go to any length to gain power.

∙ A short Australian Open final? Are you Djoking? Nada chance!

∙ Dhoni chaand hai.
Chaand main daag hai.
Daag 0-7 hai.
Move on.

∙ Team India is still not embarrassed by the Whitewash.
Makes sense.
After 0-4 in England, they were shocked.
After 0-4 in Australia, they are used to it.

(January 29)

∙ Kabhi kabhi kucch jeetne ke liye kuch haarna padta hai…
Jeet ke haarne wale ko Baazigar kehte hain.
World Cup jeet ke 0-8 haarne wale ko Team India kahate hai.

∙ 2007-11: I never had so much fun watching cricket.
2011-12: I never had so much fun listening to cricket discussions (my own nonsense included).
First T20 Champions. Then Test champions. Then ODI champions.
Right now the Critics are Champions.

∙ Overheard in an Aussie bar…
“I think you should retire”
Five people turn around.
Federer: You talking to me?
Paes: You talking to me?
Sachin-Dravid-VVS: You talking to us?

∙ South Africa lost their No. 1 ranking in 3 months.
England became No. 1 and in their very next series are 0-2 down with the latest abysmal 72 all down.
Give India some credit. They stayed at the top for 20 months before disintegrating.

∙ Socialism hits Test cricket…
South Africa thrash Australia. England thrash Australia. England thrash India. Australia thrash India. Pakistan thrash England. (India did thrash Australia on home soil too, 2-0, 2-0)

∙ Can Rahul Gandhi retire in place of Rahul Dravid?

∙ LK Advani is planning a massive nationwide Big 3 Bachao Rath Yatra.
He is strongly against retirement of any kind, be it political or cricketing.

∙ On January 26, India celebrated Republic Day.
On January 28, Indian cricket fans celebrate Independence Day.
(Now no more Tests outside the sub-continent for close to 2 years.)

(January 28)

∙ ViruS lag gaya uske batting main… Gotta (be more) Gambhir… Rahul “Over the Wall” Dravid… Searching (for the Mahashatak) Tendulkar… VV Laxoldman…

∙ Why TOI is No. 1 in India and Hindu is not.
The TOI ad took a dig at Hindu, while the Hindu took a dig at TOI customers.
Remember, customer is always king.
He can kill a brilliant product and make a downright mediocre one a world beater.

∙ What the Hindu ad campaign is really saying…
TOI readers (millions and millions of potential customers), you are too dumb for us.
Don’t buy The Hindu, continue reading TOI.
Really smart marketing, na?

∙ In Test cricket, it has been decided to nickname India “Down Under”.
All foreign Test series that they play will be called the “Indian Ashes”.
The Grand Old Men of Indian cricket will now be called Grandfathers instead.

∙ Dear die-hard cricket fans,
Get up really late tomorrow by which time even the post-match ceremony and analysis would be over. They’ll be showing highlights of the 2007 T20 WC for the umpteenth time and you’ll be wondering if the Whitewash was part of a bad dream you had in the night…

(January 27)

∙ Yesterday: VirUnder Sehwag.
Today: Vir@Kohli.
Tomorrow: Trust youth. At least give (Roh)it a chance!

∙ Ponting: Why no follow-on? Why are we batting again?
Clarke: Aji aisa mauka phir kahan milega, India jaisa attack phir kahan milega, ao dikhlaata hu tumko Adelaide main ek rangeen shyam, peeto peeto peeto peeto peeto… an Indian bowler in Adelaide…

∙ If Cricket is our Religion, then the Australian tour is Blasphemy.

(January 24)

∙ Citizens protest JLF organizers protesting authors reading from Satanic Verses, who in turn were protesting Salman Rushdie not visiting JLF due to protests from various groups, who also received their fair share of protests…
Polls in UP matlab Uttar Pradesh ya United Protests?

∙ Q: What do you think of the Economy?
Average Citizen: EcoNoMe.

∙ Kapil Sibal must really love the US Stop Online Piracy Act.
But his Internet censorship dream is still a case of Sonia and SOPA…
Sorry… so near and so far…

(January 20)

∙ A different take on the Army age row…
Army Chief: Matriculation Certificate is final!
Government: No, a handwritten application is supreme!

∙ So howz the WWW (World Wikipedialess Web) faring today?

∙ The world economic system is phasing out AAA batteries. How shocking!

(January 18)

∙ TV advertisers are demanding that Sunny Leone be made the cricket team captain.
That’s the only way to keep the live telecast TRP ratings up.
And she can’t lose a four-Test series 0-5 can she?

∙ From now on the BCCI has decided that foreign tours to Australia, England and South Africa will have 7 ODIs, 5 T20s, 1 Test and no practice matches.
Na rahega baas, na bajegi baasuri.

∙ This is the first time that the whole Indian team has been declared retired hurt.

∙ This is the worst Australian team in 25 years.
That would make this the worst Indian team in 250 years?

∙ Air India to Pilots: You’re sick!
Pilots: So are you!

(January 15)

∙ Somewhere between Sydney and Perth, Australia scored 836 runs for the loss of 1 wicket.
India meanwhile lost 30 wickets to cross their first 800 Test runs for the tour.
836/1 vs 811/30… Did I wake up in a different plane of existence???

∙ 10 Indian batsmen = 1 Foreign Batsman
Perth, 1st Innings, 2012: India 161. Warner 180.
Sydney, 1st Innings, 2012: India 191. Clarke 329.
Edgbaston, 1st Innings, 2011: India 224. Cook 294.
Trent Bridge, 2nd Innings, 2011: India 158. Bell 159.

∙  Jab tak sooraj chand rahaega,
Mahashatak tu aata aata… aata hi rahega…

(January 14)

∙ Indian Batsman: Bhagwan ke naam pe ek century de de re baba!
Indian bowler: Bhagwan ke naam pe ek wicket de de re baba!
BCCI: Bhagwan ke..  are chhod! Mujhe kisi cheez ki kami hai kya… haare to haare! IPL in April!!!

∙ Nowadays everything is Made in China it seems… even the Indian Government’s Internet Policy…

∙ Conspiracy theory #34…
Aliens are secretly changing the pitch whenever India goes in to bat.

∙ Test Team India’s theme song…
Hum jis se bhi takraayenge, hum hi mitti main mil jaayenge…

∙ In this series, Australia have made their last 771 runs for the loss of 1 wicket.
This is called a balanced team.
Batting (Worst Ever) = Bowling (Worst Ever).

∙ Patient: I’m depressed.
Doctor: Take this medicine till August.
Patient: Why till August?
Doctor: Because there are no home Test series till then.

∙ General Rule: When you reach rock bottom, there is only one way and that is up.
Indian Test Rule: When you reach rock bottom, you can stay there for a pretty long time.

∙ C… Speed of light… Cosmic speed limit… Nothing can cross it… not even light…
100C… Cricketing speed limit… Nothing can touch it… not even God…

∙ They should just change their name to Pacoupstan.

(January 13)

∙ India’s most popular headline of the last 300 days and still going strong…
“India gears up for Sachin’s 100th 100”

∙ Wake up guys, Indian cricket is not a matter of life and death.
(Right now it’s only a matter of death!)∙ So even the Information Superhighway in India has potholes…

∙ Banker: Bad times! All loans are being defaulted nowadays!
BSY: Yeah, I know. I had loaned my CM’s chair to Sadanand! He’s not giving it back!

∙ Indian Army Chief to PM: Here’s my birth certificate!
Pakistan Army Chief to PM: Here’s your death certificate!

∙ Very soon Zardari may be singing: Why this why this Coup-laveri Coup-laveri D?

∙ Gavaskar’s biography was Sunny Days.
Inspired by him, Leone is going to write Sunny Nights.

(January 12)

∙ It’s a real shame when the PM calls malnutrition a shame only when he has to push a populist food bill.

∙ Global Economy in 2007: I’m depressed!
Economic Doctors: No! You’re recessed!
Global Economy in 2012: I’m depressed!
Economic Doctors: No! You were fine briefly, but you’re “relapsed recessed”!

(January 11)

∙ Beginning of 2011: Annadi.
Later in 2011: Annarchy.
Beginning of 2012: Annanimity.
Later in 2012: Annather Coming?

(January 9)

∙ The BJP is a party with a Virulent Ideology and Bumbling Spokespersons.
The Congress is a party with a Bumbling Ideology and Virulent Spokespersons.
How is my voting for any of them going to make a difference?

∙ Today is World Unkindness Day!
(This status can be put up 364 day of the year, since annually there is only one Kindness Day)

∙ French Revolution Slogan: Liberty, Equality and Fraternity.
Wall Street Revolution Slogan: Financial Liberty, Economic Equality and to Hell with the Banking Fraternity.

∙ 2011: Anna failed. No Lokpal. Economy tanked. No reforms. Zero governance. Aviation industry crisis. India Tests grim. Mullaperiyar. Telangana. Kudankulam…
2012 (Pointing to 2011): I’ll have the same please!

∙ This new year did all the Egyptians say to each other, “Naya saal Mubarak nahin ho?!”

∙ Overheard…
Media main invest keejiye Mukeshji, it is as it is full of gas and oily people.

∙ Pahale: Corruption hatao… swaha!
Abhi: Corruption lao… Kushwaha!

∙ Mahashatak to Sachin… Tu jahaa jahaa chalegaa, mera saayaa saath hogaa…

(January 6)

∙ Leave Virat Kohli alone. The Indian batsmen are so used to seeing the umpire’s finger nowadays, that it’s becoming a reflex action.

∙ Optimist: A person who still thinks India can draw this match and win the series 2-1.
Pessimist: A person who thinks India will definitely be thrashed 0-4.
Realist: A person who isn’t following Indian cricket right now.

∙ Overheard…
Indian cricketer: Hum World Cup jeet chuke hai, ab chaar saal khelne ki zaroorat nahin hai!
Indian fan: Matlab aur teen saal aisa bakwaas performance jhelna padega?

∙ SCG.
They wanted it to be Sachin’s (100th) Century Ground.
Instead it became Super Clarke’s Ground.
(Also the Sydney Cricket Graveyard for the Indians)

∙ All Indian batsmen are supermen.
The only problem is that their kryptonite is grass.

∙ Masochist: A person who wakes up at 430am to see his team get thrashed by Australia.
Sadist: A person who wants to tell everyone via his status messages.

(January 5)

∙ At the SCG, one Indian batsman is worth 19.1 runs.
Michael Clarke is 251/0.
It will be fair to say that Clarke is worth more than 10 Indian batsmen.
(Arthath: The England bargain sale of Indian batsmen continues)

#thisparticularhashtagisprobablythelongestandcertainlyoneofthemostmeaninglesspluspointlesshashtagsevertobetypedinatwitterstatusmessageperiod

∙ Monkeygate 2 at the SCG. The only difference is that the entire Indian team is monkeying around this time and the Aussie team has evolved.

∙ In 2001, we lost a Test and followed on in the second and still won the series.
Every time we try to emulate that great feat.
The problem is that we usually succeed in the first part of that and fail in the second.

∙ We desperately need a Right to Recall.
(Not for politicians, but for our cricket team playing in foreign lands).

∙ Overheard…
Aap BSP se BJP main kaise pahunch gaye?
Bas S ka J hua hai. Ab Samaj aur Janata main koi farak hai kya?

∙ Tan-ta-na! Tondulkar gaya Tel lene, Tonting bhi aa gaya.
Looks like Hell will Freeze over before the Mahashatak.
P.S. One 0-4 down. One 0-4 looming. So isn’t that Cricketing Hell already?

(January 4)

∙ Indian Cricket has reverted to the BC era.
(BC=Batting Collapses)

∙ China has overtaken us in terms of Science: Manmohan Singh.
Don’t worry! We’ll overtake them in Internet censorship: Kapil Sibal.

∙ Will 2012 see an Arab Summer, where things get really hot and then an Arab Winter, where things get cold again?

(January 3)

© Sunil Rajguru

Here’s a theme song for the new violent India.

Please sing to the tune of the Bollywood song Pyaar baant te chalo…

Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo,
Kya politician kya social activist, humri sab se hai ladai,
Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo.

Ye Mumbai hai woh Delhi dekho,
Har jagah nafrat ki hai kahani,
Nafrat sadiyon se ab tak amar hai,
Aur har cheez hai aani jaani
Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo…

(Original song: Pyaar baant te chalo.
Film: Hum Sab Ustad Hain.
Year: 1965.)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru