∙ I love you K K K K K K Kiran!
I hate you C C C C C C C Controversies!

∙ SRK vs KKR: Dada! Dada! Dada!
SRK vs RR: Smoking case at Jaipur stadium.
SRK vs MI: Ban at Wankhede stadium.
Next match is what?

∙ Citi should instead make a charitable contribution for every IPL controversy and they’d go bankrupt in no time.

∙ It is difficult to tell whether the IPL has more controversies or 6s by Chris Gayle.

∙ If the TRP ratings for IPL matches is 4, then similar ratings for IPL controversies is probably 40.

© Sunil Rajguru

Where the cartoonist is without fear and the satirist’s head is held high;
Where the Internet is free;
Where the protestor’s will has not been broken up
into fragments by narrow domestic politics;
Where online and print words come out from the depth of truth;
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection and not persecution;
Where the clear stream of reason
has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead politicians;
Where every mind is led forward into ever-widening thought and action—
Into that heaven of freedom, let my country awake…

∙ People getting into the lift even as I’m trying to get out.
What do they want? A lift with two doors: One for in and one for out?

∙ Strangers asking me, “What’s your caste?”
“Man! I don’t want to tell you and I don’t give a damn whether you have a caste or not!”

∙ People yelling and screaming on TV debates.
The weaker the argument, the louder the voice.

∙ People never coming to a meeting on time.
Einstein was right. Time is relative… for every Indian.

∙ People overtaking my car from the left side on the roads.
Right is always right and left is always wrong. But if there’s a mishap, you’ll be the first one to come and argue with all guns blazing!

∙ People honking their extra loud honks all the time.
What do you expect me to do? Turn my car into a plane and fly over the traffic jam?
Best quip by a foreigner: If you’re deaf then you can’t drive on Indian roads.

∙ TV news sensationalism.
Millions of TV bytes over a single meaningless story and yet no end result.

∙ The chalta hai policy.
Chal nahin raha hai, hum chala rahe hai…

© Sunil Rajguru

Kingfisher = Our flights stand cancelled.

Air Deccan & Sahara = Our airlines stand cancelled.

All other airlines = Our profits stand cancelled.

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ At this rate Mamata will ban even red paint from West Bengal.

(April 28)

∙ After AMS, all dirty pictures were banned on TV. Poor The Dirty Picture just got caught in the crossfire.

(April 24)

∙ Common man’s shot at politics: Around 150 Lok Sabha MPs are chargesheeted. Around 150 are from a dynasty. Around 120 are from reserved quota.

∙ The Trinamool isn’t showing any mamata to the people of West Bengal.
SP is still being mulayam towards the criminals of UP.

(April 23)

∙ BSY: The CM’s chair is mine.
Comment: Yes you have been removed due to that “mine” only.

∙ Congress ko PMS, sorry AMS ho gaya hai.

(April 20)

∙ Change has finally come to West Bengal.
Things have gotten much worse!
Yesterday: Think Left. Today: Think Left Ultra.

(April 19)

∙ Mamata in the Opposition was obviously anti-establishment.
Mamata as the Establishment is also sadly anti-establishment.

(April 17)

∙ Indian politics today:
The Centre’s at the periphery.
Nothing’s right with the Left.
Nothing’s left with the Right.
Regional players are plain parochial.
The Voter’s in Hot Water.

∙ Zara deri ho gayi. Kash amir dil se aap kuch 26/11 pe action lete.
(Plus: It’s Indo-Pak tourism more than Indo-Pak talks)

∙ The detractors will now have to SIT down.
After 10 years, Godhra has been Modified.

∙ So the Republicans zero in on Mitt Romnahin.

∙ In 2012, the world may well end for things like UPA governance, low prices and Republican Presidential aspirations.

∙ Asking for privacy in social networking is like asking for a burqa for “Face”book.

(April 11)

∙ 0G=Motilal/Jawaharlal (No Gandhi surname).
1G=Indira Gandhi.
2G=Sanjay, Rajiv, Sonia.
3G=Rahul-Priyanka.
Dynasty bhi abhi 2G pe hi atka hua hai!

∙ Agatha Christie wrote And Then There Were None.
Manmohan Singh is also writing And Then There Were None where None=Clean ministers in his Cabinet.

∙ Like the Terminator, BSY keeps saying “I’ll be back”.
Like the Terminator, BSY is bent on terminating the BJP in Karnataka.

∙ In terms of generations of corruption, India must be at 10G, I guess.

∙ Say coup twice: CoupCoups.
Yes you’ve gone Cuckoos if you think it can happen in India.

∙ Corruption ka ghada bhar gaya, overflow hua aur toot bhi gaya. Indian politicians ne doosre Maha ghade ka intezaam kiya hai.

(April 5)

© Sunil Rajguru

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Lokpal.
Lokpal who?
Look politicians will keep scuttling the bill again and again!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
AMS.
AMS who?
MMS ke baad AMS, that’s what!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Modi.
Modi who?
Muddy his name is still to some despite all the development and international accolades.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Whenever scams decline,
and progress and development seems to increase,
I incarnate myself as ScamAvatar—
I come in the form of a scandal from age to age.

Jeep scam… LIC scandal… Bofors… CWG… 2G… they just seem to come consistently bigger in every avatar!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Corruption, scams and scandals have been around in India for what seems like forever.

Please sing to the tune of Billy Joel’s We didn’t start the fire…

Haridas Mundhra & LIC, Pratap Singh Kairon & SC,
Jeep scam, Cycle import scandal, BHU funds misappropriation,
Teja loan and Kaling Tubes, Nagarwala scandal’s on,
Maruti & Kuo Oil, AR Antulay and cement what ho!

Bofors mega scam, St Kitts’s forgery and Airbus,
Palmolein Oil Import Scam in Kerala hai hai!

Harshad Mehta’s here now, the stock market’s got a new king,
Sugar import, preferential allotment, Meghalaya forest bye bye.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Purulia arms drop, Fertilizer import uff oh!
CR Bhansali and Sukh Ram, Laloo’s fodder’s the big bloc.

SNC lavalin power project scam and Hawala’s on,
UTI almost falls, Cricket match-fixing around the clock.

Ketan Parekh, Barak Missile, and Kargil coffin scam,
Bihar land trouble and even a Cobbler scandal, India is a scamland,

PF, HUDCO, Taj corridor,
Navy war room spy scam, Trouble with Mr Telgi.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Gegong Apang and PDS, Bihar flood relief scam,
Oil for food, Uttar Pradesh ayurveda and IPO.

Kerala ice cream parlour sex and Scorpene Deal,
White money homicide, Children of corrupt politicians.

Punjab city centre project scam, all sorts of mafia,
Haryana Teachers’ recruitment scam, Clean projects are a no-go.

Satyam not so true, State Bank of Saurashtra is in it too,
Jharkhand medical equipment scam, Cash for votes in Parliament also.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Army ration pilferage, Ultra corrupt in the corrupt land,
Hasan Ali, Gujarat sugarcane, Emmar, Total scam invasion.

Coal, Tarta, CWG, LIC, Belikeri, Scam media mania,
ISRO S-Band, KG Basin oil, Goa SEZ, UP MGNREGA.

Adarsh, NHRM, IPL, Madhu Koda, ND Tiwari sex,
2G Rs 1.76 lakh crore, what else do I have to say?

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

No control, Punjab paddy, Anna Hazare back again,
Flying club frauds, many scams in J&K too what rot.

Highway and HP pulse scams, Trouble on the airline,
Gujarat PSU irregularities, Sukhna, All’s sinking in scamistan.

Andhra also has a land scam, might as well commit suicide,
Karnataka Wakf Board Land, Maharashtra stamp duty.

President Patil land grab, Mines are under jungle law,
Congress and BJP wars, I can’t take it anymore.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
But when we are gone,
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on…

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…
We didn’t start the scamfire…

(Original Song: We didn’t start the fire.
Singer: Billy Joel.
Year: 1989.)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

∙ My name is Anthony AK,
Main Defence Ministry main akela hu,
Resolve bhi hai khali, trust bhi hai khali,
Isme rahegi koi na koi controversy,
Hay scam offer yaad aaye jab chahe chale aaye,
Raisina Hill New Delhi kholi number 420…

∙ India invented Zero.
Sachin re-invented ZeroZero.
Indian politicians created ZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZero… scams.

(March 30)

∙ Handle violent protests with non-violence.
Handle non-violent protests with violence.
That seems to be the UPA policy right now.

∙ For the UPA, 2011 was Anna horribilis.
But if the Lokpal gets passed this year, it’ll be Anna mirabilis.

∙ How Tatragate will be handled…
Antony to PM: Monitor! Monitor! My General is misbehaving!
PM to Sonia: Teacher! Teacher! What should I do?

∙ Seen in a different light, Gen Singh is merely fighting a War Against Financial Terrorism.

∙ India is a trillion dollar economy.
ScamIndia is a trillion dollar economy.

∙ Overheard…
Govt: That’s not the truth
Gen Singh: The truth? You can’t handle the truth!

(March 29)

∙ Every night they brush their teeth with Coalgate and still wonder why their teeth are so black.

∙ Facts of the day…
Dravid is the Wall.
Congress is the Gate.
(Coalgate, 2Gate, Adarshgate… make your own gate).

∙ When will this BSY Bele Bhath go thanda in Karnataka?

∙ The CAG has put the government in coald storage.

∙ Bypoll news: Cong wins in Karnataka, Gujarat. TRS wins in AP.
Analysis: BJP loses in Karnataka, Gujarat. Congress loses in AP.

∙ The Republicans should look towards a Joint Presidency bid to have a ghost of a chance against Obama in the upcoming elections.

∙ 2G has made the UPA a 0G (Zero Governance) government.

(March 23)

∙ US: I-wreck and then I-run leaving everyone stranded in the middle.
—Eh! So that’s their Iraq-Iran-Middle East policy?

∙ In CAG, C now stands for Coal, A for Air India and G for Generations of mobile telephony scams.

∙ UPA: Hum poverty ka band baja nahin sakte to kya hua? Hum poverty line ka hi band bajayenge.

∙ Give a man a long Rope and hang him.
Give the world economy a long Europe and hang it.

∙ Kingfisher and RCB are still having a severe financial hangover.
That shows that you shouldn’t mix your drinks—or industries!

∙ If Trinamool withdraws support and SP steps in then will UPA2 be called UPA Version 2.1?

(March 22)

∙ The Ctr C Ctr V anthem…
Status message koi lift karta hain to karne de,
Is rang badalti cyberduniya main kya tera status message hai, kya mera status message hai?
Aasu na baha, fariyaad na kar…

∙ Whenever Sachin scores a century, India doesn’t win the match…
This statement has been holding true for 500+ consecutive days now.

(March 21)

∙ Delayed Mahashatak PJ…
Anjali: How was your day?
Sachin: Sau sau.

(March 18 )

∙ Roller Coaster Super Friday
Morning Lead: Will the budget be good?
Noon Lead: Budget is bad!
Afternoon Lead: Will Sachin get his Mahashatak!
Evening Lead: Sachin gets his Mahashatak!
Night Lead: Bangladesh wins!
Final Lead: Both Common Man and Cricket Fan lose.

∙ It was the best of matches. It was the worst of matches.
Sachin fans got to see the 100th 100.
Sachin’s critics got to say “I told you so!”

∙ ABCD of today…
A for Allies cloud over UPA.
B for Budget of gloom from Pranabda.
C for Century of Centuries to wipe out all of the above.

∙ Actual quote of Pranabda…
I must be cruel (to the common man) to be kind (to the government).

∙ Colours of the Budget…
Token White Paper on Black Money even as White Money is in the Red and the Common Man is going to be beaten Black & Blue. Saffron and Red see a Green light for 2014…

∙ The Mahashatak question…
If not today, then when?
If not against Bangladesh, then against who?

(March 16)

∙ Rahul Gandhi is a VVIP.
(Very Very Irrelevant Person.)

(March 12)

∙ Three step procedure for Rahul Gandhi to revive himself.
1. Quit the party.
2. Emigrate.
3. Enjoy life.

(March 11)

∙ Dear Rahul Dravid,
Please postpone your retirement to 2014.
Then you can take over from Rahul Gandhi.
You’d make a better PM than him.

∙ Dear Congress,
Happy Holi.
P.S. Please use other colours to hide your being beaten black and blue.

∙ Guess Mayawati must see it all as a conspiracy to spoil Women’s Day (Sonia may agree).

(March 8 )

∙ Rahul campaigns in Bihar. Cong gets 4 seats. Chauka!
Rahul campaigns in UP. Cong gets 6 more seats. Chakka!
Don’t worry Rahul, tumhara 2014 LS polls main just about Shatak poora hoga.

∙ Final UP tally…
Goonda Raj & Sons: 224 seats.
Megalomaniac Behenji: 80.
Confused National Party: 47.
Absentee Future PM: 28.

(March 7)

∙ Overheard….
If 100 seats is a fig leaf, does 50 seats count as half a fig leaf?

∙ UP polls…
Haath aur haathi ko haath,
Cycle nahin, baap beta ka tandem hai,
Kamal: Begani shaadi main Abdulla deewana…

∙ Don’t worry. Waise bhi Rahul beta ko pachaas ke aage ki ginti aati hi nahin hai…

∙ Psephologist (Noun, Indian definition) A fraud who gets paid to make a prediction and paid even more later on to explain why the prediction went wrong in the first place.

(March 6)

∙ Diggy Raja trashes the RSS.
Diggy Raja trashes the BJP.
Diggy Raja trashes exit polls.
Diggy Raja trashes…
Bottomline: Diggy Raja is trash.

(March 4)

∙ King Cong se g (Gandhi) gir raha hain to reveal King Con.

(March 3)

© Sunil Rajguru

Yesterday: Tata.
Today: Tatra.

Yesterday: Generation Gap.
Today: 2Generation money gap.

Yesterday: Debonair in the Home.
Today: Porn in the House.

Yesterday: Mera Bharat Mahaan.
Today: Mera Scam Sabse Mahaan.

Yesterday: Saare jahan se accha Hindustan hamara.
Today: Saare jahan se bada Scamistan hamara.

Yesterday: Army adarsh hain.
Today: Army Adarsh hain.

Yesterday: Koi chaara nahin.
Today: Koi chaara ghotala ka pata nahin.

Yesterday: Desh safed paise ke hawale.
Today: Desh: Kala paisa aur Hawala.

Yesterday: Mujhe bada ho kar Test cricketer ban na hai.
Today: Mujhe bada ho kar IPL main paisa banana hai.

Yesterday: Sukhi raho, bhale hi dhan na kamao.
Today: Sukh Ram ki tarah dhan kamao.

Yesterday: Votes are priceless.
Today: Every vote has a price.

© Sunil Rajguru