∙ Katrina Kaif is starring in the Indian version of Mission: Impossible.
Her Mission? To Act!

∙ Emraan Hashmi should just change his name to Emraan Kissme.
(And is his theme song… Don’t talk just kiss… ?)

∙ If Vidya means education, then does Vidya Balan now mean sex education?

© Sunil Rajguru

Dabangg (2010)
Thappad se dar nahin lagta hain sahab… actually thappad se hi dar lagta hain sahab!

Post script…
Tired of incidents of shoe and slipper throwing, someone decided, “Apna haath, Jagannath.”

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When the kadki has come,
When the kadki has come,
Then the money coffers are dark,
And the moolah is the only light,
And the moolah is the only light,
We will see… Darling money, darling money…

Darling money, darling money… Stand by me…
Won’t you stand… stand by me…

(Original Song: Dildaara (Stand By Me)
Film: Ra.One.
Year: 2011)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

∙ I think if any of the Three Khans even made a boring documentary, but released it with great hype, then it would make Rs 150 crores in five days before most of the public actually realized what it was all about.

∙ Amitabh Bachchan went all out and sold his brand in the 1990s and resultantly went from Hero to Zero. Only KBC revived him.
SRK is doing the same thing by selling his brand to the hilt…
Some Ra.One wordplay…
Number 1… No 1… No.1… No.One… NoOne… no one…

∙ (Spoiler alert)
SRK has outdone himself cinematically.
In about ten odd movies he has died.
In this one, he dies twice!
In about 5-6 movies, he has played a double role.
Here it’s technically a triple role, (if you count the regenerated G.One at the end!)
Ra.One = Deaths.Two = Roles.Three

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Dear SRK’s son,
Beta, are you aware that your father made a movie just for you and got the whole country to pay for it?

Dear Anubhav Sinha,
Are you aware that unless you tell SRK to act, he doesn’t?
(The same goes for Kareena.
And Priyanka, were you high during the shoot?)

Dear Shekhar Subramanium,
How come you have such a fake Tamil accent while speaking in English and none when mouthing Hindi wisdom?

Dear Ra.One,
“Waaah!!! I wanna finish my game. Waaah!!! I wanna finish my game. Come back or else…”
Are you for real?

Dear Kareena,
When is your next movie with SRK?
(Asoka was in 2001.
Ra.One in 2011.
Hope the next one isn’t before 2021.
Somehow you bring out the worst in him)

Dear Story Writer,
Do you exist?

Dear Special Effects Team,
Hollywood is impossible, but couldn’t you have at least come somewhere near Krrish or Enthiran?

Dear Marketing Team,
Who was the movie’s target audience?
(If it was for adults, then it’s way too childish.
If it was for children, then the language and one-liners are way too offensive)

Dear Prudes,
When any non-offensive movie comes, you go over the top protesting it all the same. Here’s a movie that is offensive towards Tamilians, Chinese, Gays… not to mention “sick sexual jokes in a kid’s movie” and there’s just a faint murmur.

Random Access One? Even if I Randomly Access all my memories, then I can’t think of One redeeming point!

© Sunil Rajguru

One super-childish video game + One petty and illogical supervillain + One stupid and strong superhero + One incoherent plot and storyline + One bad music album + Basic Level One Science Fiction + Premium Grade One hype + One Superstar =
Rs One hundred crore and multiples of that sum.

Ra.One. Wah.One. Well DOne!

Dhanya ho Bollywood!

Directors, story writers, heroines… sab gaye tel lene, all you need is One Superstar per movie, everything else is irrelevant.

Shahrukh Khan the entertainer died in 2008.
Shahrukh Khan the businessman lives on, getting stronger by the day!

P.S. Which gaming company in their right frame of mind names their premier game as Random Access One?

Stage set for Ra.One.Two or Ra.Two or Ra2.0 for multiples of Rs Two Hundred crores?

© Sunil Rajguru

Chalti Ka Naam 2G and its sequel Badhti Ka Naam 3G

Maine Satta Kyun Liya, starring Manmohan Singh

Laaga Sarkar Pe Daag

Mujhse Deal Karoge? starring Niira Radia

Badmaash Company, starring Congress and Allies

We Are Family, starring Karunanidhi, Kanimozhi & Dayanidhi with Andimuthu Raja as the villain

Hum Kisise Kum Nahin, starring Andimuthu Raja

Do Term Barah Scam

Bhool Bhulaiyaa, the route taken by all CBI investigations

Kati Patang, the real story of UPA2

Aaj Ka Chacha Aur Bhatija, starring Sharad & Ajit Pawar

3 Idiots, UPA cut, starring Prashant Bhushan, Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi with Anna Hazare playing the role Virus, the hard taskmaster

Kabhi Kursi Kabhi Scam

The Diggy Raja Series…

3 Idiots, with Diggy as Rancho who has a solution to all Congress problems, ably supported by Kapil Sibal and Manish Tiwari

No Problem (For Diggy everything is always fine anyway)

Kyun Ki Main Jhooth Nahin Bolta

Black money series…

Black Main Rang de Basanti

One Two Ka Four Thousand

Note: Hera Pheri sequels got so many, that they have been converted into a daily soap on TV.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Deewar (The original)
Amitabh Bachchan: Mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai… tumhare paas kya hain?
Shashi Kapoor: Mere paas maa hain!

Paa
Abhisheik Bachchan: Mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai, political status hai… tumhare paas kya hain?
Amitabh Bachchan: Mere paas maa hain!

Om Shanti Om
Arjun Rampal: Mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai, Hollywood career hai… tumhare paas kya hain?
Shahrukh Khan: Mere paas pichhle janam ki maa hain!

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham…
Shahrukh Khan: Mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai, London main business hai… tumhare paas kya hain?
Amitabh Bachchan: Mere paas tumhari maa hain!

Mother India
Sunil Dutt: Mere paas ghoda hain, bandook hain, power hai, paisa hai, gang hai, tumhare paas kya hain?
Rajendra Kumar: Mere paas maa hai!

3 Idiots
Aamir Khan: Mere paas.. maa nahin hai!
Kareena Kapoor: Mere paas… bhi maa nahin hai!
Aila ye kaisi movie hai!

Ghajini
Aamir Khan: Mere paas gaadi, bangla, bank balance… hain kya? Bhool gaya!
Aamir Khan again: Mere paas maa… hain kay? Bhool gaya!

Fictional Saas-bahu movie…
Pati: (Krodhit ho ke) Mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai… tumhare paas kya hai?
Patni: (Ro ro ke) Mere paas tumhari maa hai!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Don ko remake karta hai? Woh kahani kya tere baap ne likhi thi?
Farhan Akhtar: Haan!

Mere paas talent hain, tere paas kya hain?
Kareena: Mere paas maa, baap, behen, chacha, chachi, dada, pardada, chachera bhai…

Tu jaanta nahin mera baap kaun hai?
Nahin!
Aur mera baap?
Nahin!
Aur mera?
Nahin!
Saala, Bollywood movies hi nahin dekhta!

© Sunil Rajguru

Dilli Ka Thug, starring Baba Ramdev and directed by Diggy Raja

Ready (for PM’s post), starring Rahul Beta and directed by Diggy Raja

Golmaal 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8, a multi-star cast from UPA 2

Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge?, starring the Tatas and directed by Mamata

Hum Aapke Hain Koun…!, starring Karunanidhi and its sequel Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage, starring Jayalalitha, both directed by Sonia Gandhi

Pardes, a sweet love story about Indian black money dancing in Switzerland

Chor Machaye Shor & Paisa Khaaya To Darna Kya, starring Kanimozhi and Dayanidhi Maran

Beta, starring Rahul and directed by Sonia

UPA Teri Sarkar Maili, another multi-star cast from UPA 2

These versions by Sunil Rajguru