Statistics since Sachin Tendulkar’s last international century on March 12, 2011…

Days elapsed: 306
Matches Played: 13
Innings: 21
Mode of Dismissals: Caught (13), LBW (5), Bowled (2), Run Out (1)
Highest Score: 94
Lowest Score: 1
Runs Scored: 875
Half-Centuries: 8
Latest Villain Bowler: Michael Clarke
Most Dismissals: Peter Siddle, Stuart Broad and James Anderson (2 each)
International centuries scored by all other players during this period: 100+

(These statistics updated as on January 12, 2011)

This scorecard by Sunil Rajguru

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
An Indian batsman…
Knock Knock…
Who’s there?
Another Indian batsman…
Knock Knock…
Who’s there?
Yet another Indian batsman…
…….
What’s up? Why are all of you coming so fast?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Aussie ki….
Aussie ki… who?
Aussie ki taisi ho rahi hai Indian batsmen ki!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Hussey ki….
Hussey ki… who?
Hussey ki taisi hone waali thi meri. Thank you India, tum ne mujhe bacha liya!
P.S. Ponting sends his warm regards too!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Mahashatak.
Mahashatak who?
My shatak when, where and how???

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
The Wall.
…
If The Wall is knocking at The Door, then you can imagine what the condition of Indian cricket has become…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

∙ Indian Cricket has mastered the Undertaker Technique.
Indian pitches are Graveyards for their bowlers.
Foreign pitches are Graveyards for our batsmen.

∙ Future discussions will shift from…
When will Sachin Tendulkar get a 100? To
When will the Indian top order get a 100?
And from…
Will Virender Sehwag ever get another Test 300? To
Will 10 Indian batsmen together ever get a Test 300 on foreign soil?

∙ Pakistan can’t play at home.
India shouldn’t play abroad.

∙ The Mahashatak solution…
Include First Class centuries as part of the equation.
Voila! He scored his Mahashatak ages ago!
Next step, include his school and other unofficial centuries.
Aila! He has scored 200 centuries.
Then the question will automatically become…
When will he score his 300th century?

∙ India might as well start a new “Seven bowler four batsmen theory” for Tests on foreign soil. We might actually fare better.

© Sunil Rajguru

Reference: Second India-Australia Test at Sydney, January 3, 2012.

See Also: Melbourne Test debacle musings…

After looking at all the implications of the events that took place in the year, it has been decided to name 2011 as the “Year of The Lemon”.

That’s because while everybody was celebrating the many changes that were taking place, in effect nothing really changed.

(Other names suggested were The Year of the Kela and the Year of the Bakra)

A look at the lemony series of unfortunate events…

1. The Lokpal Lemon: Anna Hazare fasted. His team fumed. Lakhs protested. Millions cheered in their living rooms. Parliament united in August. The result? No Lokpal Act by December 31!

2. The Arab Spring Lemon: People thundered and kicked out the dictators. But who’s coming in their place? Inexperienced fundamentalist parties! Take Egypt: Revolution 1: Kick out the British. Revolution 2: Kick out monarch. Revolution 3: Kick out the dictator. Revolution 4: Coming soon in the future for complete democracy?

3. Cricket Team Lemon: India won the World Cup after 28 years. But no time to celebrate. No victory parades. Immediately play IPL and get fatigued and injured and get thrashed in England. Crash in Melbourne too. Do we really feel like champs?

4. The Sachin Tendulkar Lemon: It’s so glorious to score 99 international centuries. However most fretted and fumed over the 1 century that was not scored for 10 odd months.

5. The Europe Lemon: Heads of states were sacked. But do the new leaders have magic wands to solve the grave financial crisis?

6. The Kudankulam Lemon: Construction on the nuclear plant began in 1997. So what changed in 2011? Fukushima in Japan! So how does that affect Kudankulam?

7. The Mullaperiyar Lemon: The dam is more than 100 years old. So what changed in 2011? A movie called Dam999. Eh?

8. The Andhra Pradesh Lemon: AP won the maximum number of Lok Sabha seats for the Congress in 2009. The reward? In 2011, the Centre fiddled while Telangana was burning!

Of course, most of the events spill into the next year, so there is still time to make lemonade and 2012 could well be The Year of the Lemonade!

© Sunil Rajguru

Q: Nowadays, why are Indian batsmen extremely bad students?
A: Because they keep failing miserably in Tests.

∙ From now on the Ashes will be re-branded.
Whenever England and Australia host India at home, the series will be dubbed as the Indian Ashes.

Overheard…

Indian cricket fan: Oh God! Why do I have to keep suffering this humiliation Test after Test?
God: Didn’t I answer a billion prayers in 2011? Now don’t disturb me till 2015!

English bowler: We had an awesome bowling session of Indian Ten Pins last season.
Aussie bowler: Our season has just begun!

© Sunil Rajguru

Reference: 2011 Boxing Day India-Australia Test at Melbourne

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
FDI.
FDI who?
F*** D Idea! Retail will be swadeshi and we will protest, stall parliament, have dharnas and the like even if we are the BJP and we had thought of exactly the same thing when we were in power!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
An’ now another fast is on the cards in December. After August Kranti, will we have a December Dhamaka or a Damp Squib?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Windies.
Windies who?
Win these close ones on a regular basis Team India and we’ll all have a regular case of nerves.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
NATO.
NATO who?
Na to your apology says Pakistan over the deathly strike!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Kambli.
Kambli kaun?
Yahi to baat hai, har do saal hum uska naam bhool jaate hai, par woh aata hai yaad dilaane!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Mallya.
Mallya kaun?
Maal laya kya, udan khatole ko udaane ke liye, warna zameen pe hi rahe chup chaap!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Michael.
Michael kaun?
Michael ki cycle stand gir gayi thi, Aussie 21/9 isi mahine hui thi!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Yuvaraj.
Yuvaraj kaun?
Yuva ka raj hain abhi, tu Test cricket ke liye buddha ho gaya hain!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Bhajji.
Bhajji kaun?
Kya sawaal pooch raha hai guru? BCCI ka selector hain kya?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru