∙ If Victory is our Religion, then Kohli is God.

(February 28)

∙ They may take away our victories, but they’ll never take away our freedom… (to call ourselves ODI World Champions till 2015)
-Indian Braveheart.

(February 26)

∙ IRAN now stands for… International Rage Against Nukes.

(February 17)

∙ Overheard in heaven…
Celebrity 1: My death got 4 million Google search pages.
Celebrity 2: My fan page message got 6 million likes.
Celebrity 3: That’s nothing. I went out at 10,000 Tweets per second!

(February 14)

∙ The UPA Ministers play a game call “Passing the Foot in the Mouth Parcel”.
Right now the parcel has stopped at Salman Khurshid.

(February 11)

∙ BCCI gets in the “All Out” mode after WC…
Gary Kirsten: Out! Nimbus: Out! Sahara: Out! Kochi Tuskers: Out! Pune Warriors: Out! Test No. 1 Status: Out! Indian Batsmen on Foreign Pitches: All Out! Third Umpire Decision Pending: Dhoni’s Captaincy & Seniors’ place in Test side.

(February 10)

∙ Political parties boasting in India…
Your (scam) is bigger than mine!

(February 9)

∙ Overheard…
1. Rahul is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make him look good.
Enter Priyanka!
2. Priyanka is not looking good, send someone more inexperienced to make her look good.
Enter Robert!
P.S. Why no Raabberrt jokes, Ajit fans?

∙ 1919: Nehru Dynasty begins.
1966: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty.
2012: Extended to Nehru-Gandhi-Vadra Dynasty?

∙ License license na raha, service service na raha, spectrum hame tera aitbaar na raha…

(February 7)

∙ The RSS Pariwar finally has a foil.
The Gandhi-Vadra Pariwar!

∙ Revised Indian telecom slogans…
Ab mera number (kata) hai.
Har ek operator zaroori nahin hota hai.

∙ New Congress UP election offer…
3 for the price of 1!
(Rahul-Priyanka-Robert)

(February 6)

∙ How will the great man’s career end?
Sachin: 100*.
Sachin: 99, Retired Hurt.

∙ Before the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 5.33 R/O in a T20 game.
After the IPL auction, Bowler Jadeja goes for 15.37 R/O in an ODI game.
Hmmm…

(February 5)

∙ Right now the 3 Cs of entertainment in India are…
Cricket. Cinema. Corruption.

(February 4)

∙ Unknown Progressive Alliance…
“There are known knowns,” Donald Rumsfeld.
“There are unknown unknowns,” UPA.
Exact magnitude of the 2G scam: Unknown.
Army chief’s age: Unknown.
Time when Lokpal will be passed: Unknown.
What Manmohan knows about all these scams: Unknown.
Existence of Governance within UPA: Unknown.

∙ Brick and mortar company: Earns $1 billion, worth $1 billion.
IT Company: Earns $1 billion, worth $10 billion.
Facebook: Earns $1 billion, worth $100 billion.

(February 3)

∙ BCCI must be seriously thinking of opting out of Tests and launching T10 cricket.
ICC chief bhi apna aadmi hai.
Big 3 also can debut as this new format won’t be that taxing at their age.

∙ Egypt.
1953: Fight for Republic.
2011: Fight for democracy.
2012: Fight for football.

∙ Even in the last IPL, CSK won all their matches at home and lost most of their matches away.
It’s a simple case of home sickness for bechra Dhoni!

(February 3)

∙ In 2011, India entered the Golden Age of Journalism… no shortage of scams, stories, confrontations, snafus…

(February 2)

∙ Democracy is the worst form of government, but there is no better.
-GB Shaw
Dhoni is the worst Indian Test captain, but there is no better.
-BCCI

∙ 20 June 2011.
The last India won ANY international cricket match on foreign soil.
17 matches and counting.
Make it laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!

(February 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Days elapsed: 349
Matches Played (Tests + ODIs): 20
Innings: 30
Average: 34.2
Mode of Dismissals: Caught (18), LBW (7), Bowled (4), Run Out (1)
Highest Score: 94
Lowest Score: 1
Runs Scored: 1026
Half-Centuries: 8
Latest Villain Bowler: KMDN Kulasekara
Most Dismissals: Peter Siddle (3)
International centuries scored by all other players during this period: 100+

(These statistics updated as on February 24, 2012)

This scorecard by Sunil Rajguru

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Aussie ki….
Aussie ki… who?
Aussie ki taisi ho rahi hai Indian batsmen ki!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Hussey ki….
Hussey ki… who?
Hussey ki taisi hone waali thi meri. Thank you India, tum ne mujhe bacha liya!
P.S. Ponting sends his warm regards too!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Mahashatak.
Mahashatak who?
My shatak when, where and how???

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
The Wall.
…
If The Wall is knocking at The Door, then you can imagine what the condition of Indian cricket has become…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

∙ Future discussions will shift from…
When will Sachin Tendulkar get a 100? To
When will the Indian top order get a 100?
And from…
Will Virender Sehwag ever get another Test 300? To
Will 10 Indian batsmen together ever get a Test 300 on foreign soil?

∙ Pakistan can’t play at home.
India shouldn’t play abroad.

∙ The Mahashatak solution…
Include First Class centuries as part of the equation.
Voila! He scored his Mahashatak ages ago!
Next step, include his school and other unofficial centuries.
Aila! He has scored 200 centuries.
Then the question will automatically become…
When will he score his 300th century?

∙ India might as well start a new “Seven bowler four batsmen theory” for Tests on foreign soil. We might actually fare better.

© Sunil Rajguru

Reference: Second India-Australia Test at Sydney, January 3, 2012.

See Also: Melbourne Test debacle musings…

The year of slaying cricketing Goliaths
2011 wasn’t good news if you were a champion
21 December, 2011, Sify.com

Open letter to the ICC regarding the Sehwag menace
From the Royal Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Bowlers
09 December, 2011, Sify.com

A tribute to Indian cricket’s ailing Prince
Here’s hoping that Yuvraj Singh is back soon
28 November, 2011, Sify.com

World cricket is swinging like a pendulum
Get thrashed in one series and thrash in another
27 November, 2011, Sify.com

World champions of entertainment!
The Aussies still give us great Tests
22 November, 2011, Sify.com

Kambli’s fixing allegations – Pure rubbish!
A look at why what he says makes no sense
18 November, 2011, Sify.com

Good ole days are here again…
…with our 2-0 lead with the Windies
17 November, 2011, Sify.com

A great Test for us, but a disaster for the ICC
The Aus-SA Newlands Test was over in 2 odd days…
11 November, 2011, Sify.com

India’s new spin twins
Pragyan Ojha and R Ashwin are a threat to Bhajji
09 November, 2011, Sify.com

The A to Z of Controversial Cricketers
The number of players involved is astonishing…
04 November, 2011, Sify.com

Is Dhoni the world’s greatest finisher?
How he compares with the likes of Bevan…
27 October, 2011, Sify.com

Overconfident England meet their Waterloo in India
Their tough journey has just begun
21 October, 2011, Sify.com

Is Shoaib sensational or mundane?
And other snippets from Indian cricket
07 October, 2011, Sify.com

10 change-makers: From Pataudi to Dhoni
Indian cricket has a lot to thank them for
26 September, 2011, Sify.com

Rahul Dravid passed the ODI test too
The highs of the Wall in the 50-over format
16 September, 2011, Sify.com

The Revival Man of Indian cricket
Dhoni may still lead a Test resurgence
16 September, 2011, Sify.com

All Star XI vs All Fit XI
The BCCI always squeezes the Indian lemon dry
13 September, 2011, Sify.com

India goes totally bust after eight long years
What needs to be done is of paramount importance
14 August, 2011, Sify.com

An era ends for India’s greatest overseas Test player
Rahul Dravid held a rare record for 15 years
05 August, 2011, Sify.com

India vs England: What went wrong
It’s rare for India to trail 0-2 in Tests
02 August, 2011, Sify.com

England’s gifts to the game of cricket
More than 300 years of innovation…
15 July, 2011, Sify.com

India’s biggest test after the World Cup
But we have the momentum in the England series
15 July, 2011, Sify.com

The good, the bad and the ugly in West Indies
Is the glass half full or half empty?
12 July, 2011, Sify.com

Another one bites the dust!
India and its off-field battles
01 July, 2011, Sify.com

January to June 2011 Columns

July to December 2010 Columns

February to June 2010 Columns

That’s because while everybody was celebrating the many changes that were taking place, in effect nothing really changed.

(Other names suggested were The Year of the Kela and the Year of the Bakra)

A look at the lemony series of unfortunate events…

1. The Lokpal Lemon: Anna Hazare fasted. His team fumed. Lakhs protested. Millions cheered in their living rooms. Parliament united in August. The result? No Lokpal Act by December 31!

2. The Arab Spring Lemon: People thundered and kicked out the dictators. But who’s coming in their place? Inexperienced fundamentalist parties! Take Egypt: Revolution 1: Kick out the British. Revolution 2: Kick out monarch. Revolution 3: Kick out the dictator. Revolution 4: Coming soon in the future for complete democracy?

3. Cricket Team Lemon: India won the World Cup after 28 years. But no time to celebrate. No victory parades. Immediately play IPL and get fatigued and injured and get thrashed in England. Crash in Melbourne too. Do we really feel like champs?

4. The Sachin Tendulkar Lemon: It’s so glorious to score 99 international centuries. However most fretted and fumed over the 1 century that was not scored for 10 odd months.

5. The Europe Lemon: Heads of states were sacked. But do the new leaders have magic wands to solve the grave financial crisis?

6. The Kudankulam Lemon: Construction on the nuclear plant began in 1997. So what changed in 2011? Fukushima in Japan! So how does that affect Kudankulam?

7. The Mullaperiyar Lemon: The dam is more than 100 years old. So what changed in 2011? A movie called Dam999. Eh?

8. The Andhra Pradesh Lemon: AP won the maximum number of Lok Sabha seats for the Congress in 2009. The reward? In 2011, the Centre fiddled while Telangana was burning!

Of course, most of the events spill into the next year, so there is still time to make lemonade and 2012 could well be The Year of the Lemonade!

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ From now on the Ashes will be re-branded.
Whenever England and Australia host India at home, the series will be dubbed as the Indian Ashes.

Overheard…

Indian cricket fan: Oh God! Why do I have to keep suffering this humiliation Test after Test?
God: Didn’t I answer a billion prayers in 2011? Now don’t disturb me till 2015!

English bowler: We had an awesome bowling session of Indian Ten Pins last season.
Aussie bowler: Our season has just begun!

© Sunil Rajguru

Reference: 2011 Boxing Day India-Australia Test at Melbourne

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
An’ now another fast is on the cards in December. After August Kranti, will we have a December Dhamaka or a Damp Squib?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Windies.
Windies who?
Win these close ones on a regular basis Team India and we’ll all have a regular case of nerves.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
NATO.
NATO who?
Na to your apology says Pakistan over the deathly strike!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Mallya.
Mallya kaun?
Maal laya kya, udan khatole ko udaane ke liye, warna zameen pe hi rahe chup chaap!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Michael.
Michael kaun?
Michael ki cycle stand gir gayi thi, Aussie 21/9 isi mahine hui thi!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Yuvaraj.
Yuvaraj kaun?
Yuva ka raj hain abhi, tu Test cricket ke liye buddha ho gaya hain!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Bhajji.
Bhajji kaun?
Kya sawaal pooch raha hai guru? BCCI ka selector hain kya?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Lord of the Cups: The Return of the King, MS Dhoni

Lord of the Spins: The Two Towers, Pragyan Ojha and R Ashwin

Bbuddah… Hoga Tera Baap, Rahul Dravid

Mission Impossible 100, Sachin Tendulkar

Players of the Caribbean: At Wit’s End, the West Indies team

One Wedding and Four Batting Funerals, R Ashwin

Vidarbha Express, Umesh Yadav

The Exile, Harbhajan Singh

These Versions by Sunil Rajguru