Sunday ho ya ande,
Roz khao dande,
Scorecard pe ande,
Press conferences main anek funde,
Khele acche ya gande…
…phir bhi hit hai IPL aur ad ke dhandhe.
Ye hain Indian cricket team ke bandhe…

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

If the English won’t get you, then the injuries will.
If the injuries won’t get you, then the DRS will.
(Especially applicable to greats like Rahul Dravid)

Sachin has been stranded on his 99th international century for ages now. But that’s normal. He always spends a lot of time in the nervous nineties.

The BCCI now stands for the Board of Control of Cricketing Injuries.

A movie based on the tour will predictably be called Ghayal, the English remake will be…
Eight Injuries and Indian Cricket’s Funeral.

Yesterday’s Theme: Hum honge kaamyaab…
Today’s theme…
Hum honge tanadarust, hum honge tanadarust ek din,
Tan main hain vishwas, poora hai vishwas…

New rhyme for kids…
Eleven Indian cricketers standing in the field,
Eleven Indian cricketers standing in the field,
If one Indian cricketer should get accidentally injured,
Then there’d be ten Indian cricketers standing in the field,
Ten Indian cricketers standing in the field…

Indian cricket players can now be divided into two equal halves:
Between those who have played on the 2011 England tour and those who haven’t.

Desperate measures: Sack the coach, hire a fleet of doctors. Scrap the NCA, build a BCCI Hospital.

Old Saying: Delhi door hai.
New Saying…
Sachin ka sauwa shatak door hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Same country-coach jinx…
Under New Zealander John Wright, India never beat New Zealand in a Test Series.
Under Australian Greg Chappell India never beat Australia in a Test series*.
Under South African Gary Kirsten, India never beat South Africa in a Test series
Under Zimbabwean Duncan Fletcher, with the way we are playing right now, we might never even beat Zimbabwe in a Test series!

First the England Tail was better than Indian Batting.
Now even the Indian Tail is better than Indian Batting.
Best batting line-up in the world?
Tall Tale!

Whenever the Little Master nears a landmark, we have a string of nervous failures.
After the Landmark, we have a flurry of confident centuries.
How many Landmarks does a man need, before he looks at just the team scoreboard?

If India do lose 0-4, someone should burn the bails and make a New India Ashes.

(*While India never met Australia in a Test series when Chappell was in-charge, we were thrashed by 337 runs in the only Test we played the year he quit.)

(Reference: India-England cricket Test match at Edgbaston from August 10-14)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Class Teacher Duncan Fletcher aaya…

Students ka haal poocha…

Sehwag: Mere kandhe main dard hai.

Gambhir: Mera haath sujha hua hai.

Zaheer: Mera pair dukh raha hai.

Bhajji: Mere pet main dard hai.

Yuvi: Abhi to main bimari se nikla hu!

Mukund: Main naya hu, kuch samajh main nahin aata.

Ishant-Sreesanth: Itna kabhi bhaage nahin life main, hume rest do.

Raina: Ye sab dekh ke mujhe headache ho raha hai!

Class monitor Dhoni: Mera poora class hi thaka hua hai to main kya karu! Aaj kal mera bhi man hi nahin lagta routine matches main.

Headmaster Shashank Manohar: Naacho! Aur zor se naacho! Naach mere bublbul-o to paise milega, to paise milega…

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ Bhajji ko series main itne saare runs khaake hajam nahin hua isiliye fourth day ko stomach upset tha.

∙ Tendulkar Mahashatak Trivia No. 23: The bowlers purposely leaked runs to ensure that Sachin would get a large enough target to score his 100th international hundred.

∙ If we lose this Test then Rahul might just gain Sachin’s iconic status. Some may say: We lose every time Dravid scores a century.

∙ Bad performance Reason No. 24: Duncan Fletcher has spent so much time with the English cricket team that he speaks like them. The Indian players sub-consciously think that the enemy is speaking to them and don’t listen to him.

∙ Bad performance Reason No. 27: The Indian cricketers body clock is still set to IST and that’s why they play well till tea after which its bedtime for most. Either that or the English tea simply doesn’t suit them.

∙ If the Indian cricket team were an animal then it would be one with a great body and a lousy tail.

(Reference: India-England cricket Test match at Trent Bridge from July 29-August 2)

© Sunil Rajguru

New cricketing mantras…
Bhajji: Make life Large. (Large bowling averages and Large batting errors)
Dhoni: Make life Different. (Effect unheard of batting collapses and opposition tail onslaughts)
England: Make life Broad. (And then celebrate with Strauss beer)

The new Mr India…
Rahul Dravid. India ko 15 saalo se bacha raha hai, phir bhi koi use dekh hi nahin sakta! Bus doosro ki centuries ki hi padi rahati hai!

Strange Weather…
When its fully cloudy, it rains wickets.
When its sunny, the runs shine.
When its India, a wicket downpour can come from the middle of a beautiful blue sky.

Myth: Lemmings commit mass suicide. If one jumps, the others merely follow.
Fact: On Saturday, Yuvraj Singh became the Prime Lemming of Trent Bridge.

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ Just because you want to make Brick plural, you use the word s.
Just because you want to make BRIC plural, you use South Africa?

(April 14)

(April 5)

∙ Lord of the Cups trilogy:
1983: The Fellowship of the Cup
1987&1996: The Twin Towers of Defeat
2011: Return of the Cup.

∙ No jinx jinxed enough for Dhoni to fix.

∙ Saare ICC rankings gaye tel lene!
We are world champions for the next four years!

∙ Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old and in cricket world cups, India will beat Pakistan, South Africa will choke, Australia and Sri Lanka will fight, the West Indies will crash and the minnows will always flatter to decieve.

‎∙ 1983: WC in England. 1985: Mini WC in Aus. 2002: Mini WC in Lanka. 2007: T20 WC in SA.

∙ 2011: WC in India! Finally tigers at home!

∙ The BCCI has foresight. No wonder we’ve been playing with Sri Lanka so much in the last two years. They knew the two would meet in the final and hence practice for that!

∙ Dhoni ko harana mushkil hi nahin, namumkin hai!

∙ First Politician: How do we sort out all these scams, corruption, public backlashes…
Second Politician: Forget it! India has just won the world cup!

∙ New post-World Cup theme song:
Diya ghuma ke!

∙ The Cup of Vengeance!
1996 WC Semis defeat to SL: Avenged!
2003 WC Final loss to Aus: Avenged!
2007 WC loss to Bangla: Avenged
General losses to Pak: Avenged!
Losses to SA in 2011: SA avenged themselves!

‎∙ 28 years baad is banjar sookhi zameen par baarish hui ha.
World Cup monsoon aayo re!

∙ Bockbuster: Main Hoon Na!
Starring MS Dhoni as SRK and Piyush Chawla/S Sreesanth as Zayed Khan.
Ashwin: To Main Nahin Hoon Kya?
Who cares? They all won the World Cup!

(April 3)

∙ Will it Sachin get a second chance at being third time lucky?
(2×3=Sixth world cup appearance)

(April 1)

© Sunil Rajguru