∙ People getting into the lift even as I’m trying to get out.
What do they want? A lift with two doors: One for in and one for out?

∙ Strangers asking me, “What’s your caste?”
“Man! I don’t want to tell you and I don’t give a damn whether you have a caste or not!”

∙ People yelling and screaming on TV debates.
The weaker the argument, the louder the voice.

∙ People never coming to a meeting on time.
Einstein was right. Time is relative… for every Indian.

∙ People overtaking my car from the left side on the roads.
Right is always right and left is always wrong. But if there’s a mishap, you’ll be the first one to come and argue with all guns blazing!

∙ People honking their extra loud honks all the time.
What do you expect me to do? Turn my car into a plane and fly over the traffic jam?
Best quip by a foreigner: If you’re deaf then you can’t drive on Indian roads.

∙ TV news sensationalism.
Millions of TV bytes over a single meaningless story and yet no end result.

∙ The chalta hai policy.
Chal nahin raha hai, hum chala rahe hai…

© Sunil Rajguru

Corruption, scams and scandals have been around in India for what seems like forever.

Please sing to the tune of Billy Joel’s We didn’t start the fire…

Haridas Mundhra & LIC, Pratap Singh Kairon & SC,
Jeep scam, Cycle import scandal, BHU funds misappropriation,
Teja loan and Kaling Tubes, Nagarwala scandal’s on,
Maruti & Kuo Oil, AR Antulay and cement what ho!

Bofors mega scam, St Kitts’s forgery and Airbus,
Palmolein Oil Import Scam in Kerala hai hai!

Harshad Mehta’s here now, the stock market’s got a new king,
Sugar import, preferential allotment, Meghalaya forest bye bye.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Purulia arms drop, Fertilizer import uff oh!
CR Bhansali and Sukh Ram, Laloo’s fodder’s the big bloc.

SNC lavalin power project scam and Hawala’s on,
UTI almost falls, Cricket match-fixing around the clock.

Ketan Parekh, Barak Missile, and Kargil coffin scam,
Bihar land trouble and even a Cobbler scandal, India is a scamland,

PF, HUDCO, Taj corridor,
Navy war room spy scam, Trouble with Mr Telgi.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Gegong Apang and PDS, Bihar flood relief scam,
Oil for food, Uttar Pradesh ayurveda and IPO.

Kerala ice cream parlour sex and Scorpene Deal,
White money homicide, Children of corrupt politicians.

Punjab city centre project scam, all sorts of mafia,
Haryana Teachers’ recruitment scam, Clean projects are a no-go.

Satyam not so true, State Bank of Saurashtra is in it too,
Jharkhand medical equipment scam, Cash for votes in Parliament also.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

Army ration pilferage, Ultra corrupt in the corrupt land,
Hasan Ali, Gujarat sugarcane, Emmar, Total scam invasion.

Coal, Tarta, CWG, LIC, Belikeri, Scam media mania,
ISRO S-Band, KG Basin oil, Goa SEZ, UP MGNREGA.

Adarsh, NHRM, IPL, Madhu Koda, ND Tiwari sex,
2G Rs 1.76 lakh crore, what else do I have to say?

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…

No control, Punjab paddy, Anna Hazare back again,
Flying club frauds, many scams in J&K too what rot.

Highway and HP pulse scams, Trouble on the airline,
Gujarat PSU irregularities, Sukhna, All’s sinking in scamistan.

Andhra also has a land scam, might as well commit suicide,
Karnataka Wakf Board Land, Maharashtra stamp duty.

President Patil land grab, Mines are under jungle law,
Congress and BJP wars, I can’t take it anymore.

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
But when we are gone,
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on…

We didn’t start the scamfire,
It was always burning,
Since the world’s been turning,
We didn’t start the scamfire,
No we didn’t light it,
And we didn’t fight it…
We didn’t start the scamfire…

(Original Song: We didn’t start the fire.
Singer: Billy Joel.
Year: 1989.)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

The A to Z of tainted politicians
19 December, 2011, Sify.com

The A to Z of Violent Protests in India
November 29, 2011

The A to Z of Controversial Cricketers
November 4, 2011

The A to Z of Indian Sporting Controversies
July 31, 2011

The A to Z of Scam India
July 6, 2011

The A to Z of International Terrorism
May 20, 2011

The A to Z of the Anti-corruption Lokpal Bill Drama
June 16, 2011

The A to Z of the 2G Telecom Scam
January 3, 2011

The A to Z of IPL Controversies
April 23, 2010

India-Pakistan: Divorced in 1947, still awaiting final settlement.

America-China: It’s Complicated.
(Where US=Wife)

Russia-America: It’s so funny how we don’t talk any more.

Brazil-Argentina: Relationship? Depends whether it’s on the football field or off it!

Afghanistan-Pakistan: Separated at birth, hyphenated in the 2000s.
(Af-Pak)

India-China: Married. (To the concept of being the next Superpower)

Israel-Palestine: Separated at birth, united in conflict.

South Korea-North Korea: Brothers. (In Arms)

England-France: Neighbours. (Thank God for the Channel!)

China-Taiwan-Tibet: What relationship? We are One. (Or so says every schizophrenic)

© Sunil Rajguru

Lord of the Cups: The Return of the King, MS Dhoni

Lord of the Spins: The Two Towers, Pragyan Ojha and R Ashwin

Bbuddah… Hoga Tera Baap, Rahul Dravid

Mission Impossible 100, Sachin Tendulkar

Players of the Caribbean: At Wit’s End, the West Indies team

One Wedding and Four Batting Funerals, R Ashwin

Vidarbha Express, Umesh Yadav

The Exile, Harbhajan Singh

These Versions by Sunil Rajguru

Government needs money… Hike prices! Hike prices!
Government doesn’t need money… Stay put! Stay put!

Oil companies have subsidy problem… Hike prices! Hike prices!
Oil companies have no subsidy problem… Stay put! Stay put!

Oil companies make losses… Hike prices! Hike prices!
Oil companies make profits… Stay put! Stay put!

The price of everything is going up… Hike prices! Hike prices!
The price of everything is going down… Stay put! Stay put!

Demand greater that supply… Hike prices! Hike prices!
Supply greater that demand… Stay put! Stay put!

No price hike for ages… Hike prices! Hike prices!
No substantive petrol price cut ever… Stay put! Stay put!

Everything that goes up must come down?
Ha ha! You haven’t met the wizards in the Indian oil industry yet!

© Sunil Rajguru

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
No. 1.
No. 1 who?
Good cricketing question. What happened to Australia and South Africa? India got thrashed in England and England got thrashed in India. So who is No. 1?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
RSS.
RSS who?
RSS who isn’t? if you follow Diggy Raja’s lead, that is.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Ra.One.
Ra.One who?
Rascala One hundred crore bolo! By the time on Monday people realize what a bakwaas movie it is, SRK would be laughing all the way to the bank!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Dhoni.
Dhoni who?
Yes, that’s what the “wickets column” of the scorecard is also asking nowadays.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Discovery of Corruption in India: Subramanian Swamy

Decline And Fall of the Congress Empire: Anna Hazare

Death of a Prime Minister: An autobiography by Manmohan Singh

Invisible Man: A biography of Manmohan Singh by LK Advani

Such a Long Journey, A Story of all my Rath Yatras: LK Advani

I Follow the Anna: Kiran Bedi

Blind Men of Hindoostan in The Corruption War: Arvind Kejriwal

The Book of Revelations, India Chapter: Julian Assange

A Suitable Boy (For the PM’s Post): Diggy Raja

Diggy Raja in RSSland: Where our hero plays the Mad Hatter, the grinning Cheshire Cat and the Mocking Turtle all in one for the Queen of Hearts of the Congress Party

All’s Well That Ends Well, A Prediction for 2014: Kapil Sibal

All the Queen’s Spokesmen: Manish Tiwari

Character Assassination of a PM: Pranab Mukherjee

A Statue for Ms Mayawati: Satish Misra

Only Full Stops in India: Prashant Bhushan

Anna Hazare Ha, Ha, Ha: Mani Shankar Aiyar

Lokpal-The Gathering Storm: Anna Hazare

The Prisoners of Tihar: Amar Singh

Passage to England: MS Dhoni

Passage to India: Alastair Cook

The Lokpal Odyssey Series…

1963: Odyssey One, 1968: Odyssey Two, 1971: Odyssey Three, 1985: Odyssey Four, 1989: Odyssey Five, 2011: Odyssey Six…

Coming Soon: Lokapl, the Final Odyssey: Abhishek Manu Singhvi

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

1st Test: Players just reached England. They had difficulty in adjusting to the conditions, pitches and climate.
Observations: Organize many more tours per year, so players will get over their “first match blues”.

2nd Test: India hadn’t choked for absolutely no rhyme and reason in a Test in ages. Law of averages finally caught up with them.
Observations: There’s nothing we can do about that.

3rd Test: Race riots happened in England at the time of the Test. The poor players were very scared. Smoke could be seen behind the stadium during the toss.
Observations: We couldn’t cancel the match as we needed the money and got it. No complaints there.

4th Test: Last match in the series. Players extremely tired and demoralized.
Observations: Organize 3-Test series in the future. As it is ODIs make more money. One lost Test = 3 more ODIs.

T20 International: Players played a whopping three practice matches the previous week, therefore they were extremely tired.
Observations: Stop listening to experts and stop organizing so many practice matches. As it is they don’t make much money.

Complete ODI Series: Rain, weather, damp pitches, Mr Duckworth and Mr Lewis dominated and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. This series can be totally forgotten, especially as we didn’t lose much money.
We were also told that captain MS Dhoni was fatigued and tired and should be rested, then how did he emerge as the leading run scorer and man of the series? The BCCI should stop listening to so-called experts.

Final Observations: Arre bhaiyya aal izz well!

Note: The ECB is seeking the BCCI’s expertise to explain its 0-3 ODI thrashing and making a similar report.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

There was this domino in Tunisia,
That fell and rocked Arabia,
The dominoes did fall and fall,
And fall and fall and fall,
Till they reached Wall Street in America!

There was this thing called Corruption,
Which was attacked by this thing called anshan,
The government did shake,
And managed the fast to break,
But now Team Anshan’s mired in dissent and corruption!

There was this exotic “Indo-Pak talk”,
That was opposed by many a hawk,
The moment it raised its head,
A blast would turn everything red,
And peace would be forced to take a walk.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru