Sunday ho ya ande,
Roz khao dande,
Scorecard pe ande,
Press conferences main anek funde,
Khele acche ya gande…
…phir bhi hit hai IPL aur ad ke dhandhe.
Ye hain Indian cricket team ke bandhe…

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

If the English won’t get you, then the injuries will.
If the injuries won’t get you, then the DRS will.
(Especially applicable to greats like Rahul Dravid)

Sachin has been stranded on his 99th international century for ages now. But that’s normal. He always spends a lot of time in the nervous nineties.

The BCCI now stands for the Board of Control of Cricketing Injuries.

A movie based on the tour will predictably be called Ghayal, the English remake will be…
Eight Injuries and Indian Cricket’s Funeral.

Yesterday’s Theme: Hum honge kaamyaab…
Today’s theme…
Hum honge tanadarust, hum honge tanadarust ek din,
Tan main hain vishwas, poora hai vishwas…

New rhyme for kids…
Eleven Indian cricketers standing in the field,
Eleven Indian cricketers standing in the field,
If one Indian cricketer should get accidentally injured,
Then there’d be ten Indian cricketers standing in the field,
Ten Indian cricketers standing in the field…

Indian cricket players can now be divided into two equal halves:
Between those who have played on the 2011 England tour and those who haven’t.

Desperate measures: Sack the coach, hire a fleet of doctors. Scrap the NCA, build a BCCI Hospital.

Old Saying: Delhi door hai.
New Saying…
Sachin ka sauwa shatak door hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Scene 1: Somewhere in fascist India.

Anna: Hum yahan ek Tahrir Square type revolution layenge!
Sarkar: Pahale hum aapko squarely Tihar Jail main daalenge. Wahan chakki peeste (revolution karte) rahana!

Scene 2: Tihar Jail.

Anna: Aap yahan kis liye aaye hai?
Kalmadi: Corruption. Aur aap?
Anna: Anti-corruption.

Epilogue.
The Congress now believe in the Chinese higher philosophy of “Unity of Opposites”.
Tihar Jail will now have two wings. One will be called the Corruption Cell. The other will be called the Anti-corruption Cell.

Post Script.
So we finally get our own Tahrir Square, though it looks as big as India right now!

© Sunil Rajguru

Dear Government,
May I go on an indefinite fast in a public place to destablise your government?
Warm regards,
Anna

Dear Anna,
Of course you may not! Get out in three days.
Warm regards,
Police

Dear Manmohan,
Why are you silent? The police is giving me permission only for three days!
Warm regards,
Anna

Dear Anna,
What is this? A police state? Don’t bother me. Go ask the police!
Warm regards,
Manmohan

Dear Pratibha,
With BSY gone I am totally bored and have nothing to do and no one to write to. Kindly advise.
Warm regards,
Hansraj

Dear Hansraj,
I have just one word to say to you.
Sadanand.
Now get back to work!
Warm regards,
Pratibha

Dear Manmohan,
Chidambaram is getting on my nerves.
Warm regards,
Narendra

Dear Narendra,
As of now every UPA minister and spokesperson is getting on everyone’s nerves. What do you expect me to do? Just keep quiet like me and all your problems will vanish. Stop wasting your time with all these silly letters all of you!
Warm regards,
Manmohan

Dear Government,
I must say that you are really corrupt and dictatorial!
Warm regards,
Anna

Dear Anna,
Same to you! You are also corrupt and dictatorial.
Warm regards,
Government
P.S. Happy Independence Day! Please go and eat some yummy shrikhand puri on that day and after that just go to sleep, you old Marathi manoos!

© Sunil Rajguru

Same country-coach jinx…
Under New Zealander John Wright, India never beat New Zealand in a Test Series.
Under Australian Greg Chappell India never beat Australia in a Test series*.
Under South African Gary Kirsten, India never beat South Africa in a Test series
Under Zimbabwean Duncan Fletcher, with the way we are playing right now, we might never even beat Zimbabwe in a Test series!

First the England Tail was better than Indian Batting.
Now even the Indian Tail is better than Indian Batting.
Best batting line-up in the world?
Tall Tale!

Whenever the Little Master nears a landmark, we have a string of nervous failures.
After the Landmark, we have a flurry of confident centuries.
How many Landmarks does a man need, before he looks at just the team scoreboard?

If India do lose 0-4, someone should burn the bails and make a New India Ashes.

(*While India never met Australia in a Test series when Chappell was in-charge, we were thrashed by 337 runs in the only Test we played the year he quit.)

(Reference: India-England cricket Test match at Edgbaston from August 10-14)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Class Teacher Duncan Fletcher aaya…

Students ka haal poocha…

Sehwag: Mere kandhe main dard hai.

Gambhir: Mera haath sujha hua hai.

Zaheer: Mera pair dukh raha hai.

Bhajji: Mere pet main dard hai.

Yuvi: Abhi to main bimari se nikla hu!

Mukund: Main naya hu, kuch samajh main nahin aata.

Ishant-Sreesanth: Itna kabhi bhaage nahin life main, hume rest do.

Raina: Ye sab dekh ke mujhe headache ho raha hai!

Class monitor Dhoni: Mera poora class hi thaka hua hai to main kya karu! Aaj kal mera bhi man hi nahin lagta routine matches main.

Headmaster Shashank Manohar: Naacho! Aur zor se naacho! Naach mere bublbul-o to paise milega, to paise milega…

© Sunil Rajguru

∙ Bhajji ko series main itne saare runs khaake hajam nahin hua isiliye fourth day ko stomach upset tha.

∙ Tendulkar Mahashatak Trivia No. 23: The bowlers purposely leaked runs to ensure that Sachin would get a large enough target to score his 100th international hundred.

∙ If we lose this Test then Rahul might just gain Sachin’s iconic status. Some may say: We lose every time Dravid scores a century.

∙ Bad performance Reason No. 24: Duncan Fletcher has spent so much time with the English cricket team that he speaks like them. The Indian players sub-consciously think that the enemy is speaking to them and don’t listen to him.

∙ Bad performance Reason No. 27: The Indian cricketers body clock is still set to IST and that’s why they play well till tea after which its bedtime for most. Either that or the English tea simply doesn’t suit them.

∙ If the Indian cricket team were an animal then it would be one with a great body and a lousy tail.

(Reference: India-England cricket Test match at Trent Bridge from July 29-August 2)

© Sunil Rajguru