Posts Tagged ‘Politics’
Nov
Main politician to nahin…
by Sunil Rajguru in Lyrical Atyachar, Politics
(Original Lyrics: Main shaayar to nahin, magar ae haseen jab se dekha maine tujhko, mujhko shaayari aa gayi…
Song: Main shayar to nahin. Film: Bobby. Year: 1973.)
Now Kanimozhi was a shaayar to begin with. So how did she enter politics?
Her take…
Main politician to nahin, magar ae haseen rokda jab se dekha maine tujhko, mujhko politics aa gayi…
Manmohan’s take…
Main politician to nahin, magar ae kambakht Raja ko jabse dekha, mujhko politics aa gayi…
Anna’s take…
Main politician to nahin, magar ae haseen andolan aur mauka jab se dekha maine tujhko, mujhko politics aa gayi…
Diggy Raja’s take…
Main spokesperson to nahin, magar ae Congress bachane ka bhoot ka virus jab se dimaag main ghusa, mujhko verbal diarrhoea aa gayi…
Rahul…
Main politician to nahin, magar kya karu, mere DNA main hain, politics aaye ya na aaye, ek din to pradhan mantra ban-na hi padega! Meri duvidha samjha karo bhai log!
Advani…
Main pradhan mantri to nahin, magar marte dum tak pradhan mantrigiri jaayegi nahin…
Maya…
Ye koi maya to nahin, par jabse maine pradhan mantri ki kursi ko dekha, aur kuch dikhai deta hi nahin…
Sonia…
Na main politician hu, na main shaayar hu, bus ek behind the scenes player hu…
Chidambaram…
Main politician to nahin, magar ae Subramanian Swamy ko jab se dekha, lagta hai ki bachi kuchi politics bhi chali jaayegi…
Pawar…
Main politician to nahin, main billionaire bhi nahin, main BCCI main bhi koi nahin, in fact main kuch bhi nahin…
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
Oct
Books and Authors: Indian politics section
by Sunil Rajguru in Politics
The Merchant of 2G: A Raja
Discovery of Corruption in India: Subramanian Swamy
Decline And Fall of the Congress Empire: Anna Hazare
Death of a Prime Minister: An autobiography by Manmohan Singh
Invisible Man: A biography of Manmohan Singh by LK Advani
Such a Long Journey, A Story of all my Rath Yatras: LK Advani
I Follow the Anna: Kiran Bedi
Blind Men of Hindoostan in The Corruption War: Arvind Kejriwal
The Book of Revelations, India Chapter: Julian Assange
A Suitable Boy (For the PM’s Post): Diggy Raja
Diggy Raja in RSSland: Where our hero plays the Mad Hatter, the grinning Cheshire Cat and the Mocking Turtle all in one for the Queen of Hearts of the Congress Party
All’s Well That Ends Well, A Prediction for 2014: Kapil Sibal
All the Queen’s Spokesmen: Manish Tiwari
Character Assassination of a PM: Pranab Mukherjee
A Statue for Ms Mayawati: Satish Misra
Only Full Stops in India: Prashant Bhushan
Anna Hazare Ha, Ha, Ha: Mani Shankar Aiyar
Lokpal-The Gathering Storm: Anna Hazare
The Prisoners of Tihar: Amar Singh
Passage to England: MS Dhoni
Passage to India: Alastair Cook
The Lokpal Odyssey Series…
1963: Odyssey One, 1968: Odyssey Two, 1971: Odyssey Three, 1985: Odyssey Four, 1989: Odyssey Five, 2011: Odyssey Six…
Coming Soon: Lokapl, the Final Odyssey: Abhishek Manu Singhvi
These versions by Sunil Rajguru
May
Diary of a Trainee Prime Minister…
by Sunil Rajguru in Politics
∙ Wear a white kurta pyjama at least 1000 times. Check.
∙ Say at least a 100 times that you don’t want to be Prime Minister. Check.
∙ Be a humble party worker for many years. Check.
∙ Eat in a rural home and sleep there. Check.
∙ Carry a pile of dirt in a vessel on a shoulder with a farmer. Check.
∙ Travel by a local train. Check.
∙ Tour India (almost) like Mahatma Gandhi. Check.
∙ Get credit for a Lok Sabha national victory. Check.
∙ Take potshots at major opposition leaders. Check.
∙ Travel by bike on a rural dirt road. Check.
∙ Participate in a dharna. Check.
∙ Get arrested. Check.
Next is what?
P.S. If the direct descendant of three prime ministers has to sit on a dharna in this country, then what hope is there for the rest of mere mortals?
This Version by Sunil rajguru
Mar
Overheard 4…
by Sunil Rajguru in Overheard..., Politics
Advani (aloud): I get up every day thinking that if I was Prime Minister today, then all these scams wouldn’t have taken place!
Sushma (to herself): I get up every day thinking that had you quit gracefully in 2004, I would have led the party to victory in 2009. I fear you will be around in 2014 too.
Somewhere far away…
Manmohan: How does the cleanest PM in the history of India attract the maximum amount of muck? This can’t be happening to me!
Sonia: Ah! Life is so peaceful! Thanks God I turned down the PM’s post in 2004! Now I have all the power and none of the responsibility and headaches!
Rahul: Mera kya hoga re Mamma!
Elsewhere…
First Politician: How come you respect Manmohan so much nowadays? You used to oppose him non-stop when he became PM in 2004?
Second Politician: Then he had absolutely no political experience.
First Politician: So now just 6-7 years in power is enough, eh?
Second Politician: Of course! Look at his portfolio now! 2G, CWG, Adarsh, IPL, black money, votes for cash, WikiLeaks… the list is endless… now he has more political experience than even Jawaharlal Nehru or Indira Gandhi!
© Sunil Rajguru
Feb
Modern Indian history, according to Rahul beta…
by Sunil Rajguru in Politics
Pre-1947: Motilal Nehru was a great freedom fighter.
1947-64: Pardada is PM.
1964-66: Somebody is PM.
1966-75: Dadi is PM.
1975-77: Chachu running the country the way he wants to.
1977-80: India on Emergency Mode.
1980-84: Dadi is PM again.
1984-89: Papa is PM.
1989-91: Papa is not PM.
1991-98: Mamma is in the wilderness.
1998-Now: Mamma is president of the Congress (India’s most important post).
© Sunil Rajguru
Jan
Short Takes December 2010
by Sunil Rajguru in Politics
• Durban Boast…
South African batsmen can’t play on fast South African pitches. India can!
Bring on the green tops, baby!
• First Innings ka Bhagwan Sehwag.
Last Innings ka Bhagwan Laxman.
Baaki sab beech main…
Laxman’s Theme, Blowin’ in the Wind…
How many times must a man bail out his team, before you call him The Man?
The answer my friend is in the Second Innings, the answer is in the Second innings.
• Zak Zaps. Bhajji Fries. Sree Scuttles. Laxman’s our Luck. Fundu Fielding. Mahi’s the Way!
• The losing team should get the Ashes because that’s what they have become…
(December 29)
• SA Scorecard: Alvida Petersen. Gone Smith. Hashim ka Amalette. Jacques Khalaas. AB de Villain. Prince is Pauper. Dale Steyned. Fall Harris. Gone-re! Morkel. SoSoWent Tsotsobe. Boucher’s Team Butchered!
England Trotts on, Cooks Aussie goose.
India bloodsteyned beyond redemption…
• 2010 was a great year for revelations, cynicism, reporters, cartoonists, punsters, status messages, uncertainities, middlemen…
(December 27)
• Reading Minds.
Steve Waugh. 98/10! Main akela ye dus ke barabar hu.
Shane Warne. 157/0! Main akela ye bowling attack ke barabar hu!
• Instead of Twitter.com, it should be Twitter.oc where oc=over capacity
• Indian Avatar Banta Claus has distributed his goodies to Modi, Kalmadi, Raja… Sorry, nothing left for you this Christmas, not even onions!
• Traumatized by all the controversies of all the alphabets around it (2G, CWG, BSY, NDTV, ED, CBI…) ISRO GSLV GSAT-5P goes bust…
• An American Raja would get mimimum 40 years in jail.
An Indian Raja gets just 9 hours CBI detention.
(December 25)
• BJP’s war cry…
Onion marks, get set go!
Attack!
• Come Sachin fans, if you have the guts!
Try contradicting the following…
Rajnikant is greater than Sachin!
• Suppressing Cyberspace = Pressing a spring. Some time back Barkha sued a tiny blogger to shut up. Today there are millions of comments against her on blogs, Twitter, Facebook, groups… even news sites. Major rebound!
• Even, if we accept Sachin over Bradman, what next?
Is he greater than Pele or Federer?
It ends with the Mahatma or Einstein?
Oh, I forgot… There’s God!
• If Assange got all the corrupt files of all Indian politicians, then forget WikiLeaks, the Whole World Wide Web would crash with the load!
(December 23)
• Who says onions make you cry?
They’re making the BJP laugh!
In fact, they expect to laugh all the way to the votebank!
Translated, it means scams worth $65bn are on your way from 2011 onwards!
• Every year in India, traffic is disrupted thrice a year.
1. During the monsoons.
2. During the fog.
3. During the annual Gujjar agitation.
• Is it a Tech & Geek show?
Is it a Musical?
Is it a Spy Serial?
No! It’s Phineas & Ferb! (Addictive for adults too!)
• Typical Political Merry Go Round
Cong, you’re corrupt. But BJP is corrupt!
Laloo you failed. But Nitish hasn’t fully succeeded!
Mamata, you have no policies. But Left policies have failed!
DMK, you’re corrupt. But ADMK is corrupt!
• If the PM is Caeser’s wife, then who’s Caeser? Importantly, who’s Nero? Someone is sure fiddling while Rome, sorry New Delhi, is burning.
(December 22)
• Congress: We are secular, they are communal.
BJP: We may be communal, but they are pseudo-secular.
The Truth: They are all communal.
• Cong is getting so arrogant despite the unending scams that I won’t be surprised if the BJP comes to power in 2014 no matter who leads them.
• Bad ole days are here again.
Kee phraka painda ki India match haara, ek zabardast world record to bana!!!
• Message from God…
On this day, God wants you to know…
that he did not send rain in Centurion today because the 1st inning batting was so spineless and you’ll have to do much better that this if you really want to be called world champions…
• Poor ole me suffers from loudspeakers.
Industrialist Capt Gopinath suffers loud music from nearby pubs.
There is equality in the land!
• Sonia to BJP: We are clean at the national level because you are corrupt at the state level.
Common citizen: WTF!
• Sure! Modi is Hitler. BJP are Nazis. Rahul is the Mahatma. Sonia is Mother Teresa. And the Congress never indulged in communal violence!
(December 21)
• Pachas Maar Khan
Sonia: You still don’t want to hear her talk.
Rahul: You’re scared of what he’ll say next.
Manmohan: You don’t hear him.
Digvijay: When will he shut up?
• Wanted a reality show Kaun Banega Neta? Tasks: Lying, fudging, bribing, ability to fool, divert attention. Winner gets Rajya Sabha seat.
• Ashes Wars. The Empire Strikes Back. Return of the Hussey.
• Unsolvable Riddle: Who is more out of touch with the Indian reality? Arundhati Roy or Rahul Gandhi?
• Beware of the Indian Collapso Rule: 5 Indian wickets can fall for 10 runs on any pitch at any time for any rhyme or reason from any position.
(December 19)
• 136-10. 136-0. India is strange. She can be all four seasons in one match…
• Hamam main sab nanga,
Spectrum main sab changa,
Kahe ye tapes ka danga?
Jaldi sab padega thanda!
Chappell: None against Aussies.
Kirsten: SA bogey?
Same Country Coach Test Curse?
• The pitch was totally flat.
But Kirsten forgot to tell the boys in the morning meeting.
Smith got hold of this key info and put India in…
• Mere do anmol Ratan, ek hai Radia aur ek hai Raja…
• In the 2G scam, we’ve shot the messengers (Radia and Barkha) and ignored the message (Corrupt politicians, industrialists, shady deals…)
• Come to think of it, Niira Radia and Barkha Dutt are Red Herrings. What about the many political & industrial bigwigs? They aren’t squirming
(December 18)
SA batsmen are boring. When they bat, the pitch goes to sleep…
• Whenever the Indian cricket team crashes, Indian humour goes up.
Mujhe joke maarne ka shauk nahin hai, joke maarta hu gham bhulaane ko...
Kaise kaise khulaase hey bhagwan!
• Before Raja was made minister, no-one knew him. Before the tapes were out, no-one knew Radia. Now I know what Fear of the Unknown means.
• Pat-down security officials at international airports should be exclusively women. Men wouldn’t mind it and women wouldn’t complain.
• Beer Beer na raha,
bus drinks pakadte raha gaya…
• Jodi of the Year: Julian Assange-Niira Radia for their glorious leaks, shaking the foundations of power in the world and India respectively.
(December 16)
• President of Federal Republic of Facebook licks Rebel President Against Every Republic to be the (virulently Pro-US) Time Person of the Year.
• Facebook Flaw: If you allow tagging & I put up a pix of a donkey & tag you, then the donkey will show up as the 1st pix on your profile…
(December 15)
• Ek taraf 1.76lakh crore Doosri taraf 1000 snoop tapes Beech main kisiko koi khabar nahin ki kisne kitne paise kaise khaye Show me the money!
(December 14)
• I was taught that journalistic writing should be simple and conversational. Today, raw backroom conversations are becoming news. Success?
• I bet secretly many top editors are actually jealous of Niira Radia…
(December 12)
• Foreign Media: WikiLeaks.
Sandese aate hai, hame tadpate hain,
ki gaddi kab chhodoge, yahi sab poochte hai…
· Bhajji a Test batsman. Yuvi an ODI bowler. Gambhir India’s most successful (ODI win-loss ratio) captain. Aussies are rubbish on home soil. Lanka can’t beat Windies in their own backyard. Next is what? But I’m loving the change! (Only Pak cricket consistently continues to be in the doldrums)
(December 11)
· WikiPakiFakeeeLeakeee…
· After going south in the 1st Test, Aussies refuse to go with North in the 2nd, look to Beer in desperation along with Hughes expectations…
· Who’s line is it anyway? Celebrities simply RT on Twitter and media passes it off as an original quote! 6:13 PM Dec 9th via Ping.fm
(December 9)
· Dark and Stormy Night? Bangalore’s cliche is Cold and Damp Evening.
(December 6)
· Lots of editors have far bigger skeletons in the cupboard than Radia’s chit-chat. Funny to hear them mouth big moral platitudes every day.
(December 5)
· Ye UN permanent seat mil bhi jaye to kya hai?
· If Modi gets a clean chit, then a mini-industry within the media will collapse.
(December 4)
· Barkha Defence Verdict: Tum itna jo chilla rahe ho, kya guilt hai jisko chhupa rahe ho…
· Osama is sulking. He’s been demoted to Enemy No. 2. Meanwhile Julian Assange goes into hiding. Will the US find him? Is Pak involved? Is…
· An empty mind is a devil’s workshop. A full mind is a Facebook workshop. Therefore, Facebook is the opposite of devil…
· B.D. jalaile…
· Politician, Industrialist, Journalist… Integrity gaya tel lene, aish tu kar…
(December 2)
· Politicians-Journos-Corporates-PR… all are cosy in India. Radia tapes ek jhaaki bhi nahin hai… kaahe sab pareshan ho rahe hai?
(December 1)
© Sunil Rajguru
Dec
Know your onions…
by Sunil Rajguru in Politics, Short Takes
Latest sayings…
• You are the onion of my eye.
• You are worth your weight in onions.
• Show me the onions!
Caution!
• An onion a day gets the taxman to visit your doorstep.
2011’s most popular non-vegetarian dishes…
• Chicken no Pyaaza
• Pyaaza raha gaya mutton
New election slogan…
• Hum aapko denge Roti, Kapda, Makan, Bandwidth aur Pyaaz!
2010’s hit songs…
• Pyaaz, pyaaz na raha, lahsun, lahsun na raha, zindagi hame tera aitbaar na raha
• Goro ki na kaalo ki, ye duniya hai onionwalo ki
Onionology:
• The study of Onion Economics, Onion Politics, Onion Cycles and Onion Trade.
The Indian Institute of Onions will also roll out Onion Management courses.
The first Onion Billionaires are expected by 2011-12.
Hindi usage…
• Mujhe pyaas lagi hai! (A quenchable thirst)
Mujhe pyaaz lagi hai! (An unquenchable thirst)
Latest role models…
• Jains.
They have been doing away with onions and garlic for millennia!
Proposal…
• After the Stock Exchange and Metal Exchange, the government is considering a Vegetables Exchange for rare and precious vegetables.
Love boasts…
• Jitne tumhe aasman main tare nazar aa rahe hain, utne main tumhe pyaaz laake doonga agar tum mujhse shaadi karogi!
• My love for you is as deep as there are layers in an onion.
This version by Sunil Rajguru
